Gallery of the Absurd

Lindsay Lohan is a MILKAHOLIC!

First I would like to thank Lindsay Lohan for bringing sublime absurdity roaring back into the tabloid gossip scene. If you've not heard, she's suing E*trade because she's convinced a "milkaholic" baby named Lindsay used in a super bowl commercial is referring to her. She feels she's known 'round the world by her first name much the same way Madonna or Oprah are known and because she's more famous as a boozing party girl than her acting career, she's concluded E*trade must pay up for using her highly valuable image. Had Linds kept quiet about about it, no one would have noticed, but it's high time she be given a new nickname. Fire crotch has lost it's freshness, Milkaholic is MUCH better. Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color. Original sketch here.

Celebrity Sex Tapes Now on Compilation DVD - Order Today!

Imagine if you could watch all the best celebrity sex tapes on one action-packed DVD in the comfort of your home.  Imagine the time saved by not wasting hours searching online for grainy film clips and screen shots of desperate fame-seeking circus animals celebrities performing sex acts on camera. Order Now That's What I Call Stupid Celebrity Sex Videos today!

That's right, all your favorite celebrity C-listers EXXXPOSED!  Watch in awe and titillation as Kim Kardashian grunts and moans as she shows you her biggest ASSet. Just try and stay awake as you watch Paris Hilton's most notable performance of her career. What is that small brownish alien-looking thing chirping and squealing you ask? That's Tila Tequila! Hotness! Try not to let the vision of Fred Durst's O face or Verne Troyer's wee tongue traumatize you too much. Yes, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are on there, but we know it's Screech's sex romps you really want to see.

Order Now That's What I Call Stupid Celebrity Sex Videos today and you'll also receive the Tiger Woods collectible Skank of the Month calendar -- absolutely FREE!  Each month features a full color photo of one of Tiger's cocktail waitress mistresses - and there's so many of the lovely ladies that we can offer calendars all the way through 2014!  You can see the quality of the calendar as the lovely Ms. Shauna Sand displays it for you in the offer above.  How can you say no to FREE?

But that's not all!  If you order Now That's What I Call Stupid Celebrity Sex Videos in the next 15 minutes, we'll send you this scandalous collection of celebrity sex clips caught on hidden camera.  This is the video Hollywood doesn't want you to see.  Enjoy the bedroom antics of such sizzlingly sexy entertainers as Joan Rivers, David Gest, Kirstie Alley and more. Because the quality of entertainment has fallen to such sordid depths these days and fame can be so easily achieved simply by appealing to the lowest common denominator, this DVD is expected to sell out quickly.  Don't miss out, order today! Medium: A collaboration between Charles Frazier and 14. Concept and pen & ink illustrations by Charles Frazier, design, writing and photo collages by 14.

Portrait of John Mayer Twittering While Smoking Sexual Crack

 

I heard somewhere that John Mayer actually sings and has a music career, but I wouldn't know it because all I ever read about him is his incessant blathering about himself and his penis.  Seriously, if someone says John Mayer, I don't picture a guy on stage with a guitar, nope, I see a sweaty zoo chimp smoking sexual napalm out of his Jessica Simpson crack pipe as the bluish light of his iphone illuminates the little pup tent growing in his pants. Media: graphite on paper, digital paint.

Heidi Montag's Bust of a Bust Now Available!

Heidi Montag adores her mega-boobs so much that she commissioned a commemorative "Bust of a Bust" musical monument for her new line of Heidi Montag Collectibles.  Factory-crafted in China using only the finest genuine simulated marble, the Bust of a Bust monument is sure to be an attention grabbing addition to your home decor.  You'll marvel over the lifelife hardened lumps glowing wantonly under the built-in spotlight, and if that's not enough to grab your attention, a buzzing glow of pink neon will constantly remind you of one of Heidi's most memorable recent quotes. It only gets better because the Bust of a Bust is not only pleasant to look at, it also plays music. Yes, now you can listen to a selection of hits from Heidi's new album Superficial, which she claims is going to be a bigger success than Michael Jackson's Thriller! 

Listen to a sample of Heidi's remarkable music here:

Heidi Song

What can I say, Heidi's sublime absurdity has stoked the flames of my inspiration lately. I believe she's replaced Paris Hilton as my number one Muse. Keep it up Heidi!  Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color, photoshop. Heidi Song composed and sung by 14.

Guest Artist: Ryan Casey's Pop Culture Funnies

Ryan Casey is a fellow illustrator who finds inspiration and loads of fun poking at the latest pop culture scandals and the crap on TV.  I love his technique and eye for design.  Each Wednesday, he posts a fresh new comic and his blog just recently became nominated for a Bloggie Award in the Best Kept Secret category! I doubt ButYourLikeReallyPretty will be a secret for much longer.  Be sure and check Ryan's blog each Wednesday and cast your vote. Good luck Ryan!

This image of Mariah Carey cracks me up. 

Heidi Montag's Giant Boobs Will Make Her Famous

Self-obsessed starlet thing, Heidi Montag recently underwent multiple cosmetic surgical procedures and debuted her new look on the cover of People magazine. Before, she at least had a little character, but now she's a dead-eyed, frozen-faced blurry vanilla beige amalgamation of every other bouncy blonde in Hollywood.  I had a tough time drawing her because quite simply, I can't see her. Despite the fact she's had so much botox and restylane pumped into her 23 year-old face, the art directors at People decided they still needed to photoshop her to oblivion. What does Heidi look like now?  I don't know, but one thing we ALL know is that she has massively gigantic boobs.  And those boobs are what's going to make her interesting to us.  She claims she did it because it will help her career as a pop star, but since her "music" sounds like a bunch of chipmunks with jackhammers, I'm not too sure it will pay off.  I could be wrong though - maybe that's what the kids are listening to these days. Regardless, Heidi says her triple D boobs aren't large enough and she's going to pump those things up to an H.  Poor Heidi will continue striving to be "the prettiest girl" and we all get to watch the disaster unfold as she continues her public quest for fame and perfection. Jocelyn Wildenstien is going to have some stiff competition soon! Medium: Heidi and Tiger are graphite and digital paint, Obamas and Tila are photoshop hack jobs.

 

Pat Robertson Makes a Pact With the Devil

The doddering and delusional Pat Robertson has once again revealed his vile ignorance after claiming the earthquake and subsequent heartbreaking human suffering was all caused by Haiti's 200 year-old "pact with the devil." I could be wrong, but in my opinion, a true Christian leader wouldn't rush to judgement or blame, they would rush to help those in need. Seems to me that Pat Robertson is more aligned with the "dark side". Much apologies to the Rider-Waite tarot deck for sullying The Devil card with the image of Pat Robertson, but I figured it would piss him off if he ever saw it. Mission accomplished.  Media: Graphite on paper, digital color, photoshop.

Madonna is Old, But The Rest of Us Are Just Fine

The Daily Mail, a shamelessly sordid British tabloid, has been on a tireless mission to drop kick Madonna off her lofty pedestal every time she makes a public appearance.  Like all of us, Madonna is growing older, but the Daily Mail is determined to shine a glaring spotlight on every aspect of Madonna's aging process. The headlines and accompanying articles regarding the iconic pop singer seemed to have been written by a bunch of cackling old hens:

A surprised look and arched eyebrows did not quite tally with a wrinkle-free forehead, making for a rather bizarre and unnatural appearance which was not helped by the fact that the skin around her eyes also appeared pulled taut.Thick red lipstick, which seemed to have been hastily applied, served only to accentuate the uneven look of her mouth. (insert raucous hen laughter here)

Ouch! Can I just say I'm so very thankful not to be famous? I wanted to play around with illustrating Madonna as she's portrayed in the British tabloids in the form a graphic novel (or more accurately, a parody of a graphic novel) because somebody has to do it. I'll work on it between other multiple projects I have going on this year and will post the pages as I finish them. Who knows, maybe I'll get them published (i.e., running down to Kinkos to make copies and stapling them together to look like a comic book). So far, I've only got the cover done, but it's a start. Medium: ink on paper, digital stars and text.

Paula Deen's Empire of Butter

I was a bit bleary-eyed when I walked past the newsstand on New Years Day and spotted a Paula Deen magazine. Not yet awake and my mind still fuzzy, my eyeballs were hijacked by what appears to be a human marshmallow with a blinding smile displaying a tray of gooey chocolate desserts. Nuts, whipped cream, and peanut butter were swirled together with chocolate sauce - and because that's still not enough sugary sweetness, a nutter butter cookie was shoved in for good measure. Ms. Deen holds one of the desserts up to her head. They are practically the same size. I glanced at the magazine title: Quick and Easy, but in my delicate state I read it as "QUEASY".  

After the trauma passed, I decided to learn more about Paula Deen.  Are you hungry? Go to her website and find such delightful recipes as Deep Fried Lasagna, Gooey Butter Cake, or burgers served on a Krispy Kreme donut. But that's not all, Paula Deen has built an empire! Not only can you purchase Paula Deen cookware, spices, condiments, and pork shanks, she's gone all Ed Hardy on us with crystal-bedecked key chains, reading glasses, and checkbook covers, with more shiny trinkets sure to follow.  Paula isn't worried about her health and doesn't believe in exercise (it KEELS y'all, and makes you drop over DAY-ed), but watch here as she lifts a dumb bell for the first time in her life and slobbers over her "hot young trainer". Uncomfortable. Medium: Acrylic and gouache on paper, digital text.

An Entertaining Twist For Mel Gibson's Upcoming Movie, The Beaver

If you've not yet heard the buzz, Mel Gibson is starring in an upcoming movie called The Beaver. It's a film about a "guy who walks around with a puppet of a beaver on his hand and treats it as a living creature."  Mel Gibson plays Walter Black, a depressed man who finds a beaver puppet in the trash and believes it's real and is able to give him advice.  When I saw the disconcerting photos of Mel running around yelling with the beaver puppet on his arm scattered across the internet, I was instantly hooked. 

However, I wondered if the film would become a tad more interesting if it was the Beaver who found the Mel Gibson puppet in the trash and once sliding his arm inside the filthy and threadbare puppet, he could never get it off. To make it more improbable, perhaps the Beaver could be a recently unemployed, but highly educated and distinguished butler from London. Since there's no way to remove the Mel Gibson puppet from his arm, he has no choice but to be in service to it. The film follows the life of the tortured Beaver as he gracefully endures the tequila-guzzling exploits of the trash talking Mel Gibson puppet as it wreaks havoc across Malibu. 

I even took a stab at revising the script, but apparently Kyle Killen's screenplay is brilliant and my version will never see the light of day. Oh well, back to the ole drawing board. Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color. An explanation of the artistic process is posted here. Much thanks to Amy for including Gallery of the Absurd among the list of 50 Excellent Graphic Design Blogs.