Gallery of the Absurd

Sweet Poison Puts the Ass in Aspartame

 

There's been a long-running debate over whether or not the artificial sweetener Aspartame, found in diet drinks, sugar-free gum and products such as Equal and NutraSweet, is causing you harm.  As expected, the folks who created Aspartame AKA Sweet Poison in their secret laboratories, along with those who use it in their products say it's safe for human consumption. Even the FDA claims it's a-okay! However, several medical experts and organizations claim that's a bunch of crap. Aspartame has been blamed for symptoms of neurological disorders such as lupus and multiple sclerosis, as well as brain tumors, weight gain, headaches, and much more.  One of the more startling claims out there is that Aspartame is created from....wait for it....the poop of genetically modified bacteria.  Now then, is that what you want to dump in your coffee? Medium: digital paint, illustration by Bob Lizarraga.

 

Liquid Satan Lurks in The Darkness of Your Pantry

 

My latest project has been collaborating on a set of trading cards inspired by the numerous toxic ingredients found in products we consume every day.  Frightening side-effects caused by chemicals in our food, water and home/personal care products are making us sick. Working with artist Bob Lizarraga, we plan to turn these ingredients into the true monsters they are! Above: This sweet sludge lurks in just about everything from soft drinks to jellies and even wheat bread. Dubbed by some as "Liquid Satan", High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) is being blamed for the obesity epidemic and an increase in diabetes in adults and children.  Latest studies even show it contributes to cancer cell growth - scary. There are however, many who believe HFCS is safe. It's just sweet innocent sugar, that's all. Nothing to worry about. They might feel that way because HFCS is cheaper and more abundant than real sugar, thereby making profits much more plentiful. All that extra cash keeps Liquid Satan nice and fat, with a closet full of polyester leisure suits and plenty of sharp forks to poke you with. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color. Illustration by 14.

Is Michelle Obama Our Very Own Marie Antoinette?

Much brouhaha has been raised over Michelle Obama's lavish vacation extravaganza at an opulent Spanish beach resort.  Shooing vacationing commoners away, she and her gaggle of friends took over a beach in Marbella and dined on lobster with Spanish royalty. Some say the First Lady should demonstrate the sacrifice her husband has been urging Americans to embrace during these difficult economic times, and many feel the Obama administration is out of touch with the American people. Of course there's others out there who feel otherwise and that Michelle Obama is simply demonstrating "positive living and the American dream of prosperity". Medium: photo illustration and digital paint.

Paris Hilton's Private Jet Flies High, Fouls The Sky

Paris Hilton's custom private jet is truly a milestone in aviation technology.  Featuring dual Jamaican Spliff jet engines powered entirely by Cannabis Sativa eco-fuel, the jet flies high above the Earth, far away from all the annoying plebeians below.  Since Paris Hilton's sizable feet are often found flung up in the air over her head, engineers used the concept to create state-of-the-art landing gear designed to withstand multiple take offs and landings. A custom queen size bed surrounded by cameras ensures Paris will have constant access to the limelight, and Wi-Fi connection allows to her to post images of herself to twitter whenever she feels the need for attention. If for some reason, Paris isn't getting enough attention, she can always call ahead and arrange for topless photos to be "leaked" and sold to the tabloids -- and make a little cash while she's at it. The only problem the jet has shown so far is a puzzling outbreak of oozing sores near the butt end of the fuselage. Engineers are still working on a fix for outbreak, but no cure has been found yet.   Yep I'm still on vacation, but when Paris hoists herself onto the public eye as she's done so much lately -- I can't help myself. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Taking The Summer Off To Paint and Crash Parties!

 
 Dear Readers, 

I started this blog way back in 2005 to have a little fun illustrating the stories people tell when they talk trash about tabloid celebrities.  What an adventurous five years it's been!  Sneaking into depraved Hollywood parties, threats from Paris Hilton's attorney accusing me of damaging her image (I'm STILL chuckling over that one), being offered a book deal by the controversial Judith Regan of Regan Books (only to see it go up in smoke after she was fired by her publisher) and best of all, meeting and befriending many of my long time readers - all of it has been a great experience.

Because of other fresh new projects I'm taking on, I need to let Gallery of the Absurd go dormant for a few months. I'll still be updating my other art blog, Resplendent Chaos, so please stay in touch with me there while Gallery of the Absurd gets her beauty rest.  I'll be back with new posts and a new site design in September 2010. Thanks again for all of your encouragement over the years! Much love, XOX 14. Above: a snippet of my in-progress painting of the stunning beauty that is Amanda Lepore. It's at the awkward stage now, but I'll update the image as it progresses.

Guy Fieri's Dog Food Attracts Middle-Aged Mutts Who Try Too Hard

 

Has your middle-aged mutt stopped eating the healthy and nutritious kibble you've been feeding him for years?  Does he suddenly seem rebellious, perhaps bleaching and spiking his fur or wearing his sunglasses behind his head?   Have you noticed changes in his wardrobe, choosing to bedeck himself in cheesy biker jewelry and brightly colored clothing covered in images of flames and skulls? What about that shiny red convertible he just bought?  Worry not, your beloved mutt is simply going through a mid-life crisis and is annoyingly and overzealously clinging to his fading youth. You see the same behavior in humans, so it's a common malady. Guy Fieri's Slamma Jamma Beer Battered Mutt Grub is formulated especially for middle-aged mutts who want to savor the diner-inspired flavors of their puppyhood.  Each kibble is formulated with real diner-style huevos rancheros, spicy curly fries, beef tacos and nacho cheese sauce.  We can't guarantee your dog will stop annoying you, but at least he'll start eating again. Read more about it over at Food Network Humor. Medium: acrylic on paper, digital paint.

Ina Garten's Good Dog Food For Rich Gay Dogs in The Hamptons

I've watched Ina Garten's cooking show a few times.  She wears a big blue shirt, always implores us to use "good" ingredients, and seems to have a gaggle of rich gay men showing up just in time for dinner. Ina's Bill & Jack Good Dog Food will dazzle your East Coast upper class gaynine so much, he'll want to enjoy it with a glass of good petite sirah and lots of witty banter among friends.  To read more, head over over to my co-conspirator at Food Network Humor. Medium: Digital painting, sketch shown here. Coming soon: Guy Fieri.

Celebrity Chef Dog Foods: Giada De Laurentiis Launches Ciao Chow

A while back, after learning Rachael Ray was offering premium dog food to add to her empire of pans, spatulas, and exotic plaid Euro shams, I created a line of gourmet dog foods inspired by other annoying celebrity chefs. This time, I've joined forces with the funny folks over at Food Network Humor to concoct some brand new offerings by some of the most overexposed "stars" on the Food Network.  We begin with Giada De Laurentiis, who specializes in family-style Italian dishes from the old country. She'll dazzle you with her ever-present flashing teeth and plunging cleavage. Oh yeah, and she cooks too. Go to Food Network Humor to read more about Giada. Check back tomorrow to see Ina Garten's dog food! Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color.

Larry King's Bedroom Is a Den of Carnal Pleasure

When that empty-headed, knuckle-dragging Little League coach came forward to boast about having an affair with Larry King's wife in Larry King's bedroom while watching the Larry King show, an unfortunate image emblazoned itself in my tender innocent brain. I was reminded of how I felt when I used to sneak peaks at the cartoons in my Dad's hidden Playboy stash.  Feeling slightly shocked and confused upon first viewing, I would later erupt into uncontrolled giggles and then quickly shove the magazines back into his sock drawer before being caught.   

I saw Hector Penate humping Shawn Southwick, her giant mouth unhinged in screams of pleasure, their writhing bodies illuminated in the cold glare of Larry's giant head looming over them on the big screen TV. As they tossed each other around on Larry's satin sheet-bedecked adjustable bed, they were careful not to knock over the glass containing Larry's floating dentures perched on his crowded pharmaceutical nightstand. Hector was so sexually charged by the warthog-like glowing visage of Larry's scowling mug that he bursts into o-face like a wolf howling at the moon. Larry's monogrammed velvet slippers sit neatly beside the bed, unaware of the carnal sin and forbidden pleasure ensuing above. Medium: digital painting on top of graphite sketch.

Back Soon!

Some of you have sent emails asking why I've not been posting.  Sometimes life throws you curveballs and I've been pummeled with them so much lately that I've not been able to devote any time to art and madness.  Looks like I'll have everything settled soon and will begin regular postings next week. Thanks for some of your well wishes and I look forward to getting back to work soon. XO 14