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If you like sour candies, then you'll love Renee Zellweger's EXTREME SOUR LEMON Candy. It's the sourest candy available on the market and is sure to put a permanent pucker on your face. Grab a package today and taste just how EXTREMELY sour these candies really are!
Here we see the vile alien galactic ruler XENU using his powerful Tom Cruise puppet in an attempt to trick the human population into believing his lies and deception. Every time you see Tom Cruise in a movie, a magazine, or jumping up and down on Oprah's couch, you are really seeing XENU trying to control you with his powerful hologram puppet. Recently, some clever humans have figured out how to fight XENU and we can now share this information with you. XENU hates water.
Star magazine recently targeted Billy Bob Thornton in their infamous Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous feature. While Billy Bob was not what you'd consider handsome by Hollywood standards, he did possess a rugged and rebellious sexiness about him. I liked his balding head, deeply etched wrinkles, and gray stubble - it went well with his swagger and versatile talent. BUT......
...FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, what has he done to himself? He looks like a little old granny wearing too much pancake makeup and rouge. I can almost smell the cloying colonge he looks like he's doused himself in. Did he get his hair from Donald Trump's House of Wigs? Are those mall bangs he's sporting? Say it isn't so! Oh Billy Bob...whyyyyyyyy?
There are so many endless possibilites to lampoon Donald Trump's orange cotton candy hair, but I found it most fulfilling to imagine him getting attacked by it. Behold the Donald Trump Hair Beast!
When he's not pouting or throwing temper tantrums, Donald Trump and his oddly beautiful alien-esque wife, Melania Knauss look as though they suffer from constipation. All that money, power, and opulence...and yet the two of them can barely muster a smile. In the spirit of The Apprentice, I created a Trump branded product that could revolutionize the pharmaceutical industry. Don, whatcha think? Am I hired?
The Cletus Lizard escaped to Earth after fleeing his filthy and polluted home planet. Planet Shizzle is located in a distant galaxy composed of a vast network of stellar dust and trailer parks. The Cletus Lizard is a shameless parasite who roams the galaxies searching for unsuspecting females to leech off and eventually impregnant. He is quite charming with certain ladies even though he dresses as a giant toddler and lays around doing nothing while muttering nonsensical babble such as "guzzle me fizzle vodka shizzle". He plans to spread his DNA throughout the Earth in hopes of sustaining his species. If not stopped, eventually he and his ilk will pollute and destroy our planet.
The Trout Pout (Collegenus Lip Inflatus) can be spotted and identified by its ginormous shiny lips. Baffled scientists are at a loss to explain how the mutation occurs, but have observed that it often happens suddenly and without warning among some actresses who have reached a "certain age". The Trout Pout can be spotted with increased regularity in the exclusive shopping areas, fine restuarants and day spas located in Beverly Hills, its natural habitat.
This is first in a series of my Hollywood Aliens Trading Cards. The alien shown above is an evil Dingbaticus from Planet Vapid. They're sent to Earth to trick unsuspecting humans into thinking the Dingbaticus is talented and entertaining, but their real mission is to control the U.S. news media by diverting attention from facts and issues impacting our country and planet and focusing it back onto superficial drivel. Be warned, too much exposure to this nefarious beast will eventually cause the brain to atrophy. If you find yourself doing things like watching Britney Spear's "Chaotic" reality show, or if you find Tom Cruise to be the least bit compelling, seek help immediately...you may have been infected by the woeful Dingbaticus.
Here is further proof of the extraterrestrial origin of Jessica Simpson. Sometimes, if the paparazzi capture the right lighting and camera angle, the true nature of the insidious Dingbaticus is exposed. Run for your life.
The ostentatious and egotistical media clown appears in public dripping in diamonds and wearing custom-made suits while inexplicably wearing a ridiculous plastic crown on his head and a fur coat. He's also been spotted jet skiing around his yacht in Cannes while wearing a fluffy white bathrobe. Are we supposed to take him seriously?
All that showing off..... and yet the mouth will not close.
Star magazine recently ran this photo of P. Dingles pouring $300 bottles of Cristal champange all over the floor. I altered it a little bit because I heard the Diddy gets angry as a snake when anyone dares to point out his folly.
