Gallery of the Absurd

Tom Cruise is The Messiah

According to a report in the UK Sun, some Scientology leaders believe Tom Cruise is the "Christ of Scientology". Flabbergasted after reading such a claim, we decided to send a group of undercover agents to investigate the dark recesses of the Los Angeles Church of Scientology in order to seek clues. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence and we obtained it! Our wily agents gained entrance into the fortress by feigning interest in being "audited" and were quickly able to escape unnoticed into the darkness of the church basement. Prying open the safe, our agents were shocked to discover Leopold Da Vinnie's famous painting, "The Scientologist's Last Supper". It clearly shows Tom Cruise as Christ, but leaves several other questions unanswered. For instance, who is the mysterious woman seated to His left and why is she smiling like that? Could she be his...gasp...wife? Is that a Jenny Craig-approved cupcake Kirstie Alley is grabbing? John Travolta is wearing loafers and he's floating - what does this mean? How did Will Smith get mixed up with this bunch? So many questions, so few answers. Medium: Acrylic on board, unfinished. Thanks Holly for the brainstorm.

While snooping through the safe, our investigators also obtained this photo of what appears to be an image of Christ burned into a piece of toast. It's a miracle!

Based on our dangerous, yet thorough investigation, we conclude that Tom Cruise is indeed the Scientology Christ. Just take a look at these t-shirts we found in the basement.

Gallery Show: Blonde Bombshell 2007

If Egon Schiele Had Painted Nicole Richie will be for sale at M Modern's fabulous Blonde Bombshell art show. Nicole's sexy bones will contrast nicely with all the paintings and photos of curvy blondes you'll find at this annual event. I can't say who, but there will be a very busty blonde celebrity guest in attendance. She lives in Malibu and wears ugg boots, that's all I can reveal. Blonde Bombshell opens January 27th from 7:00 - 10:00pm at the M Modern gallery in Palm Springs.

Le Avventure di Britocchio

Britocchio is a tale about an animated wooden puppet who longs to be a real girl. The original story is a much more complex allegory, but we're going to keep it simple. Each time Britocchio tells a lie, her nose grows longer. A few weeks ago, Britney Spears collapsed and had to be carried out of a club on New Years Eve. Much debate arose over what caused this "collapse". The New York Post claims she guzzled too much booze and passed out, while Spears' reps claimed she was simply tired and needed to take a little nap. Whatever the cause of her blackout, speculation was stirred and many armchair observers concluded that Britocchio had lied. Poor little wooden puppet, at least she has her friend Rummy the Cricket to keep her company. Medium: Oil on wood.

Fresh Spam! My pal Kipling West has started a blog showcasing her brilliant illustrations based on the mysterious cryptic titles of email spam. If you've ever wondered what an Eyebrow Grocery Store, an Evangelical Blackbird, or a Nitrogen Deaconess might look like....wonder no more. Britney Spears even shows up!

Rachael Ray: Perky Demented Food Chipmunk

While shopping a few weeks ago I noticed Rachael Ray's perpetually perky face plastered all over the place. There she was on magazine covers, books, packages of culinary knives, and most troubling of all, a box of Ritz Crackers. That night, after my Rachael Ray overload, I went online to try and understand how/why she had become so frighteningly ubiquitous. When I came across her recipes for Hotdog Salad and Sangria on a Stick while perusing her website, my fear only intensified. Later that night, I awoke with a terrible jolt after having a nightmare about a giant evil-grinned Rachael Ray chipmunk trying to force me to taste her latest 30-minute recipe "Velveeta Cheese Pie with Triscuit Cracker Crust". YUM-O!

Whether you're a fan of Rachael Ray or not, she's become a trusted brand of numbing mass consumption and you're just going to have to get used to her happy little chipmunk face staring back at you from nearly every product under the sun. Medium: Ink with digital color.

UPDATE! Rachael Ray's new name is Racial Ray. Acording to TMZ, she drank too much wine at dinner and started spewing hateful remarks. The chipmunk is rabid.

15 Minutes of European Fame

Gallery of the Absurd is very grateful to have been featured in newspapers and magazines across Europe. Deutschland and France are especially kind to us - thank you. On newsstands this month, Marie France has a small feature on GoTA, and das kunstmagazin ART features our Brangelina and TomKat family portraits. In addition, GoTA is also featured here in the German Online-Newsmagazin RP Online and also in Velvet, a celebrity-themed Hungarian magazine.

Hollywood Beauty Queen

Bust magazine asked me to illustrate an article about skinny Hollywood celebrities for their Feb/Mar 2007 issue...and this is what I came up with. Yes, the tired old image of skeletal beauty continues to thrive in Tinseltown. When I lived in Los Angeles, I would amuse myself while snarled in traffic by playing a little game called "Count the Skeletons". Most are aspiring MAWs and you can spot them shopping for size 0 clothing among the tony boutiques dotting the streets of Montana or Robertson. You might also see them picking at lettuce and drinking the requisite lemon water at outdoor cafes. I think one day I counted around 30 boneyard beauties within an hour (the approximate time it takes to move ahead 5 blocks during rush hour traffic). Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color. T-shirts of this design coming soon.

You might have seen the "High School Textbooks of the Future" post in which Nicole Richie models the skeletal system in the name of education. Now we have Angelina Jolie as the potential model for the circulatory system. Let's hope Britney Spears won't sign up to represent the reproductive system.
(photo from filmmagic.com via This is London)

Hollywood's Hottest Accessory?

A few months ago Cracked magazine asked me to create two illustrations to accompany a controversial article about the recent trend of celebrity overseas adoption. The illustrations can be found in the Jan/Feb 2007 issue, available at newsstands now. I've only briefly followed the Madonna adoption story so I don't know what all the brouhaha is about, but I do remember reading that Sharon Osbourne compared Madge's adoption to "getting a Louis Vuitton handbag." Angelina Jolie isn't too pleased about Madonna's "illegal" adoption either. Oprah said it was okay though. Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

This Madonna and Child illustration leads the article. Medium: Acrylic on board.

Find this magazine.

David Gest 2007 Pin Up Calendar

Flipping through one of my beloved Star magazines while on vacation, I came across a titillating photo of David Gest washed up on the beach. His cottage-cheese-in-a-ziplock-bag physique spills onto the sand with dapples of sunlight casting mysterious shadows along the pocked and lumpy flesh Liza Minnelli used to call "husband. While not quite as well-known in the States, David Gest is considered to be the "Weirdest Person in the World" across the pond. Mr. Gest was dunked in a rusty tank full of alligators, snakes and spiders on a recent U.K. television show. Those Brits really know how to entertain themselves - public humiliation of annoying celebutards makes for quality living room entertainment. Medium: ink, acrylic and gouache hastily painted in sketchbook late at night. Much thanks to Viper Tetsu for a bit of word craftiness.