Paris Hilton vs. Gallery of the Absurd?

By now you might have heard I received a letter from Paris Hilton's attorney asking me to remove the parody of The Simple Life Goes to Camp from my blog. At first, I thought the letter was from a prankster. I laughed and then ignored it. I wrote to Michael K over at Dlisted to tell him about it and he said he received the same letter and that it was legit. I became extremely perplexed...how could my idiotic parody do any more harm to Paris Hilton's reputation than she's already done to herself? I asked her attorney this question and it pretty much boiled down to the fact that I added freshwater crabs to the side of the boat. Apparently, the presence of semi-terrestrial crustaceans imply that Paris has a "loathsome disease". I removed the little buggers as instructed.

As I've stated before, the illustrations on this site are born from the social commentary generated by celebrity gossip. The truth is, I'm not inspired by Paris Hilton herself, I'm inspired by you. Your blogs, your message boards, your comments, and your tabloids are what spark my ideas and amusement. The opinions we have about Paris Hilton are much more entertaining than Paris Hilton herself. There are countless references to Paris Hilton's alleged crabs to be found all over the internet and I had chosen to add that particular element to the parody. I don't have the the huge amount of cash needed to fight Paris Hilton over this, so it's much more affordable just to make the crabs disappear. I won't stop painting Paris Hilton though. Nope, as long as people talk about her, I'll continue.

With that said, thank you very much for your support and encouragement. Crab photo taken by Kipling West.

My talented pal gilmore from Pretty on the Outside made this for me to show his support. I was so touched and amused by his kind gesture that I had to post it. Thank you g!

People are now sending me their creative interpretations of this silly debacle.

Okay, back to business....

Comments

[Rebecka]

Oh my god, Paris attorney has a neverending job. Keep up the good work, you know that the universal bloggosphere is on your side.

xxxxx

[pj]

I think you should make a cut out and keep image of some painted crabs to add to any and all pictures of any celeb - a crustacean do it yourself kit if you will.

Keep up the good work though :)

- pj

[WTF]

Paris--if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

These celebs put all their business (and their twats) out for public consumption, then bitch when we talk(or draw) about it. Sorry, can't have it both ways.

[Abs]

That sucks. Can't you just say that they're pimples instead? :\

[Gigi]

You go 14! Paris is just jealous because you have an actual talent!

[Jenn F.]

This whole thing reminds me slightly of something that happened to a friend of mine a while back... she has an amazing business called "Barbie's Basement Jewellery" and after a few years into the business, she received a letter from some lawyer at Mattel, threatening to sue her for using Barbie's name. She wrote back and told them that they certainly don't own the name Barbara, perhaps she named the business after someone other than their doll, and she could use it if she pleased. They didn't bother her after that. Apparently they trawl the internet looking for the name "Barbie" anywhere, and try to throw their weight around with anything and anyone that's not Mattel-related.

I see a strong similarity between Paris and Barbie ~ after all; frenemy Nicole Richie is somewhat comparible to Skipper (big head, small body), Barbie and Paris both have endless wardrobe choices, and both have big piles of blonde hair. Both have tried their hand at multiple careers but both are still only famous for having their clothing removed. Mind you, Barbie has tiny feet and doesn't appear to have a crusty crotch.

[Brittany]

The truth your claim is a legitimate defence to defamation. In other words, if Paris took you to Court over this, she would need to establish that in fact she did not have this "loathsome disease". Easier said than done, perhaps?

It's a shame in principle that you didn't fight the good fight, but if I were in your position I would have done the same thing- it's not worth the trouble.

Best of luck from a long-time fan!

[Andie]

As if the big box of Valtrex isn't more indicative of her STDs than some poor fresh water crab. Good lord.

[La Cubana Gringa]

I was wondering where the crabs went! Unbelievable!! I, like Tom Cruise, am behind you all the way. (However, unlike Tom Cruise, I wasn't planning on giving you an asian baby.) (Sorry.)

[Cork E. Clayburg]

Go 14, Go!
This little legal skirmish was actually one of the topics of Conan O'Brien's monologue last night. (Hope you got to see it!)
Just keep doing the genius work that you do best, love. As HST once said, "Don't let the bastards get you down!"

[Miriam]

hahahahahahahaha.

[Lindsey]

What i find interesting is they ask you to take away the crabs but not the reference to her having herpes. Haha!

[Hugh G.]

I would think her lawyer wouldn't have a leg to stand on. When something is an obvious parody, and only a drooling moron would think your work isn't, you are protected by the 1st amendment.

[Mat]

The thing is... I feel like the people saying "crabs" are being nice. You can get rid of crabs, but an estimated 25% of North America has a case of herpes for life.

So yeah, if she's got an std, it's probably not a friendly one that you can get rid of with over-the-counter drugs.

[lena]

we love you even more now, 14. doesn't paris's lawyer have something better to do...like help clean up those crabs of hers?

[Mel]

I found it interesting that they only harped on this one piece of work. It's not as though Paris and her friendly crabs aren't a recurring theme.

[Knox Bronson]

Well, 14, you certainly struck a nerve. Good work!

What a bunch of sleazeballs ... that whole disgusting crowd, of which Hilton is the symbol.

[danter]

FUCK YOU 14, I HATE YOU, PEOPLE LIKE YOU IS SUCKS DEAD YOU, BASTARD STUPID IDIOT GO TO THE HELL

[Melapie]

Paris is just jealous because you've got more talent in your little finger than she does in her whole body or over inflated ego!!

Keep up your art, I'm always so impressed with everything that you come up with. Even the garden stuff.

[armina_iv]

I love your work and it always brings a smile to my face, please dont let Paris Hilton stop you (oh and I adored your botanical pics too )

[Knox Bronson]

Judging by the level of writing skills, I think danter [commenter above] must be Paris herself. Hi Paris!

[Nanny McButtersons]

What!?? Conan talked about Paris vs. 14? Where can I see this?

[Demon Kitty]

You are so fabulous 14! I couldn't get to sleep last night because I was thinking about all this and laughing. I love the way you can just stir up so much mayhem! Your parody was not idiotic, it was fucking genius!!! I want my 14 T shirt! Paris didn't win. What is worse? A picture of crabs coming out of your birth canal or hundreds of comments talking about what a stupid skank whore you are?

[Demon Kitty]

I forgot to add that I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, be able to eat any kind of shellfish again. EVER!!!!!

[Miss Priss]

14, NOTICE THIS "DANTER" PERSON INSULTING YOU. DON'T TAKE OFFENSE, I HAVE SEEN THE SAME NAME PRAISING PARISITE ON OTHER BLOG SPOTS LIKE TMZ...I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THIS IS ACTUALLY PARISITE HERPES HERSELF. SORRY PARIS, 14 ACTUALLY HAS TALENT, UNLIKE YOU. AT LEAST HE MAKES PEOPLE LAUGH IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN YOU DO...YOU MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, 14. YOU ROCK!
FUCK YOU HERPES INFESTED WHORE.

[Miss Priss]

DANTER FUCK OFF. YOU'RE SOUL IS AS BLACK AS YOUR ANUS AND AS EMPTY AS YOUR EYE SOCKET...I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
14 I LOVE YOU!!!

[Sajib]

This is beyond beyond. Paris Hilton is public domain. She is parodied even by the people who work with her. She couldn't possibly be trying to clean up her image now for her trashy new (and failure of a) reality series. Her people need to get over it. That poster is too hilarious. Damn shame. Keep up the good work.

[Jenn F.]

Miss Priss, please stop yelling. (your Caps Lock is on).

[Cork E. Clayburg]

A heads up for "Miss Priss" --All our records indicate that 14 be a "she", ...not a "he".
(And yes, she does indeed rock!)

[Nina Alvarez]

OMG!! LMAO this is too funny! Ohh, POOR PARIS, did she get her feelings hurt?? ROTFL!!!!!!!

[Lydia]

14 you completley and absolutley ROCK!!!! I think I want a t-shirt of this too <3

[Miss Priss]

Thanks for the heads up Cork E. Clayburg...more power to 14!!!
===============
Jenn F. I stopped yelling.

[stardust savant]

Wow, some line from Macbeth comes to mind. Hmmm, what was that again? "I think the Paris doth protest to much." Or something like that.

She only has herself to blame for her reputation.

[KatyBelle]

I was wondering why the little crabs had vanished.

Seriously though, what does Wonk-Eye expect people to say if she's running around with no underwears and sleeping with everything that moves? If anything, making you take the crabs away has put a bigger spotlight on her diseasedness (is that a word?).

Anyways 14, I love your site. As for those t-shirts, is there anyway that you could get some real ones made and sell them on the site? They are fun stuff!

[Chansmom]

Wow! What an absolute, s***ch. Ugly word, I know, but it suits Paris.

14, you're very talented, and your mirth is absolutely amazing! If anything comes out of this, it's the attention being drawn to your art.

Lots of positive thought are flying your way!!!! Skritches from my kitties too.

[Matt]

I love just about everything you do, kid. And pissing off that subhuman excrement to the point that it calls on it's shyster to take away your freedom of speech just sends you higher into the rarefied air of illustrated satire with the likes of Mad's Mort Drucker and the political cartoonist Steve Brodner. Keep up the good work!

[Karla]

Seriously, no need for the cussing and ranting on anyone's part.

But aren't you protected by the rules of satire, parody, and lampoon? Could any star sue SNL for suggesting anything about them? Don't you have the same rights as a comedian?

[Steve]

I am glad to say I know you. I bragged all around my office that you were getting sued by Paris--not the city, the Err-ess.

CRABS FOR FREEDOM!

[Thomas]

14,

You don't have to remove the images at all. Paris Hilton is a public figure and she is completely subject to satire and parody. You are completely protected. Don't give in. The lawyers know that a letter is going to scare people into submission, but hold your ground.

T.

[Demon Kitty]

To Miss Priss: You are so funny!!! "Your soul is as black as your anus."

Did you see that closeup of Paris' anus after people raided her storage space? It was small and shriveled. Her soul is small and shriveled too. Unlike her anus, her soul cannot expand to accomodate what Ted Casablanca called "the shaved cucumber in the background" aka Rick Salomen.

To Matt: "subhuman excrement" is definitely what Paris is! Right on, man!!!!! The litterbox in my apartment is filled with far more integrity and substance than Paris fucking Hilton.

And whoever said "cunt" on here, in another post somewhere when referring to Paris. Thank you. Paris is indeed a cunt.

[La Angel]

I love your work 14! Never surrender!

[Adam Smith]

WOULD YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO YOURSELVES?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?
PARIS HILTON IS IN FACT A FICTION.
DO YOU NOT WONDER WHY YOU'D NEVER HEARD OF HER FIVE YEARS AGO?

This is because the Hilton hotel chain is really just a faceless corporation, owned by a group of Saudi Investors and Venture Capitalists working out of Dubai.
For years the Hilton chain did very well as a faceless corporate institution.
By 2001 their fortunes took a turn for the worse.Like a seal being clubbed to death by Canadians,the chain's future looked grim.

Luckily a bright young spark in marketing looked at the trend for celebrities like Jlo,Pdiddy and Beyonce,to achieve maximum brand awareness,by bilateral marketing spread penetration through cross cultural commonality coefficients and decided to create a family. For two years they worked in secret creating a family,the project was codenamed,Culturally Unifying Normal Traditional Socialites,or C.U.N.T.S for short.

They looked through unknown 70's pornstars to play the parents. The selection process was more arduous than American Idol, and took months of work. Al Goldstein of "Screw" magazine and Larry Flynt of "Hustler" fame were both involved in this process.If they were even vaguely recognisable to the old spunk merchants the applicants were out.
Finally after almost a year they found the two perfect parents: Rick Jizz and Mindy Bust from rare 1975 wank flick
"Cum Hustle".
Larry and Al had never seen either of them before.Quentino Tarantino was then contacted,to verify, that they were so obscure,even he had'nt a clue who they were.

Simultaneous to this,the hunt for suitably trendy progeny to appeal to the youth market was on. At first they decided on son's,but their trawl through stud hustlers on Miami beach was getting nowhere.
By chance the team were staying in a hotel just off the beach,which had a Cabaret act consisting of Brazilian drag queens Fransceco Brachyura and his brother Vasquez. They knew at that moment they had struck gold. After being payed two million dollars each,for gender re-assignment, the brothers signed on and became the Hilton sisters.

This is where thing went awry. The elder brother Fransceco,who was to play Paris, had been part of the militant agitprop situationist performance art group, "El Fisto",and began working to his own agenda

In recently revealed letters,to his comrades back in Brazil,he wrote:

"Through my character of Paris,I will reveal the decadent ignoble truth of America's cultural and spritual void.
Each action I take will be more terrible and awful than the last. In her soulless persona they will see the emptiness of their own existence.Eventually the American people will rise up and break the chains of their Capitalist Pig Dog masters. Long live the revolution of Paris".Followed by blah,blah,blah,something about Castro.

A scant two years after the release of
"The Simple Life",the Paris brand while looking strong was causing serious embarrasment to investors.The company looked in serious trouble when Sheik Yahmani, threatened to withdraw his 34% share.

This is where special agent 14 was bought in.Fourteen is actually an actress based in Glendale California,called Sally Gold, whose career has thus far been undistinguished. A recent interview with her agent Hal Rubarto of Screen Hits International Talent,(S.H.I.T),revealed the sordid truth behind her mess of deception: "Sally looked like a sure hit as the star of a new,'Sex In The City Style' show called 'Urbane Diarist' on NBC. Her look was perfect for the show. But let's put it this way,Sally has major problems.To be honest,she's a complete mentalist". He then went on to reveal the full terrifying extent of her Mentalcy:
"She started off with minor things.You know,slapping dogs,smashing children's toys,grabbing men she liked by the balls then walking away giggling,you know,normal actress stuff. At first we just ignored it, because she had that special something.She was like a young Victoria Principal. Amazing - zero to tears in two seconds flat,without prompting.Over time it got worse though, much worse..."First it was the constant singing of show tunes in some language she appeared to have made up.Then clapping sarcastically at even the smallest thing, like making cofee, and by sarcastic I actually mean evil, she made several interns cry."

While script refinements were made to "Urbane Diarist", Sally got what was meant to be a recurring role on hit show "Desperate Housewives", playing Quatorze Pi,cousin of Bree Vanderkamp.
She played the role of an artist from San Franscisco whose out of the box wacky ways, were meant to counterpoint Bree's repressed suburban existence,little did they know it would soon end in a counterpunch.

Assistant Director Chuck Vicodin continues:
"From the start,Sally was trouble with a capital bastard", he says."Her performances were always excellent,but between scenes she exhibited severe wrongness. She would blow huge fucking spit bubbles,then flick boogers at the runners and look the other way like nothing happened.It was almost submental"."At first I thought it was part of her method,plus who cares about runners any ways?", he asks.

Things finally came to a head though,when she came into conflict with Marcia Cross, over a lettuce leaf."Marcia had always got on well with Sally, despite her eccentricity", say's Chuck.But then something truly horrific happened.

Chuck goes on to relate the shocking events that occured next:"One day,during a lunch break they both grabbed for the same lettuce leaf, and all hell break loose. There was a sort electricity in the air and they lock eyes in an almost primal fashoin.For a moment I was aroused, but then shocked,when Sally headbutted Marcia with bone crunching accuracy, breaking her nose outright.For a moment everything stopped like a dramatic scene from a Michael Bay film. Then the silence was broken by Marcia screaming 'You fucking bitch, you're fired from Hollywood, you're fired from L.A, you're fired from life'.The earie thing was,Sally just stood there smiling and eating the lettuce leaf, like nothing happened!".

She was escorted off set by security muttering,"Now I am become Fourteen",like a Mantra.

Shortly after,GOTA appeared. All finances for the blog lead back to a mysterious company called "Olsen Lohan investments", whose parent company,registered in the Cayman Islands,is held by the "Hilton Hotels Corporation". A source that cannot be named pissed out the news drizzle: "Fourteen is Sally Gold, shortly after leaving the acting world, she was hired by Sheik Yahmani to keep Fransceco and 'El Fisto' in line.The Negative publicity actually undermines them, by making Paris the crazy villain you love to hate. Nicole is actually just CGI,by the way. That's all I can say."

I've tried to contact Sally Gold, but all she say's in reply is "Chirrell?"

[Dan Garcia]

Way to give in!

[midevil]

Maybe her lawyer was just pissed because the crabs weren't big enough.

[14]

Dan,

It only APPEARS that I gave in. I have devious tricks up my sleeves for future posts. The legal issue with the crabs was the fact that it's never been reported that she does indeed have crabs. HOWEVER, since the issue made international headlines, guess what...it's now news!

Hilton's attorney was accused of "goofing" on this issue in the NY Post. I really doubt they'll add that to the firm's "KWIKA Lawyers In The News" section of their website.

Besides, I like her attorney. He's inadvertently helped me in many ways and even provided free legal advice. I'm thinking of sending him a thank you note along with a balloon bouquet.

xoxo
14

[Sage]

Between Adam Smith's saga and the 'balloon bouquet', I laughed so much I now have to take a nap. (Except I'm scared I'll have nightmares about those KWIKA paper dolls and
there frightening shape-shifting abilities).

[Kai/ Shalom]

Crab isn't kosher, but I'm almost tempted to have a crab in honor of the controversy and show support for 14. (But the whole time eating the crab, not only would I be thinking about it not being kosher, I'd be thinking about.. those.. other kind of crabs... really would make eating a food I don't like and am not supposed to eat rather difficult.. ) Viva la crabs!

[A Canadian]

La Angel, I'm curious, was that a derogatory comment directed towards Canadians involving seal clubbing? Naturally I wouldn't give two shits about what people say, but I was actually mildly offended (which would be the first time I've been offended on the internet!).
Now I'm not asking for a rebuttal or anything, but I just wanted to mention that more often than not, there are more Americans clubbing seals in Canada then there are Canadians doing so.
Well, enough of my bitchin', I know it was all in jest, but I just didn't want Canada being reffered to as the only offender in Seal clubbing....

And one more thing, involving the actual blog.... did you really have to take off the crabs? I mean, it was a peice of artwork, a peice of freedom of expression, and they told you to take off a drawing of crabs? Thats so pathetic I would of left them on out of spite!
Other than that, keep up the entertaining work!

[gemma]

Holla Seattle Market!!
lol I like that the attorney's fine with the great big "VALTREX" box but is worried people will think she has crabs!

[Charlene]

This whole thing reminds me slightly of something that happened to a friend of mine a while back... she has an amazing business called "Barbie's Basement Jewellery" and after a few years into the business, she received a letter from some lawyer at Mattel, threatening to sue her for using Barbie's name

The same thing happened here. The woman who runs Barbie's Sex Shop in Calgary got sued by Mattel. She defended, they took her to court...and lost, because the woman named the store after *herself*!!