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I like how you stuck the Urban Satchel in there. Nice little detail.

Demon Kitty

Dear Dustin,

I fear Paris' ass may not wind up in the slammer. That would be too good. Look at Michael Jackson, OJ, Naomi, Winona Ryder, and Boy George. Wasn't Nicole Richie supposed to get her ass thrown in jail too? The best we can hope for is that Paris has to do community service, preferably going into high schools and telling teenagers what it is like to live with herpes. This could be one of Bush's "abstinence programs".

Demon Kitty

I was in Bed, Bath and Beyond last night when I started thinking of all this shit again and I began to laugh.


I think Hilton's lawyer, Gregory Gabriel or whatever the fuck his name is, deliberately used "loathesome diseases" as a way to avoid confirming that PARIS DOES INDEED HAVE GENITAL HERPES. You see, "loathesome diseases" would be vague enough for 14 to think that it included both HERPES AND CRABS and it would be easier to bully her into taking the entire picture down. If he were to say, "Ms. Hilton does not have crabs," when talking about this picture, then that would imply that PARIS DID INDEED HAVE HERPES WHICH SHE DOES, because he was denying the crabs, not herpes. Blah, blah, blah, ... Therefore, the picture would stay up like it has. He couldn't use "venereal disease" or "STD" because it would be a bit more specific and the lie would be a bit more obvious. Because PARIS DOES HAVE AN STD/VENEREAL DISEASE, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE HERPES. But then again, THE HERPES WHICH PARIS HAS can be a "loathesome disease." I looked this shit up on PubMed. The extent to which it could be "loathesome" would depend on the person and how many outbreaks they have. Oh fuck it! I also agree with you that they were accusing 14 of invoking hate and disgust. But you know all this and that really doesn't matter, because the public knows that PARIS HAS HERPES and just because it cannot be legally confirmed, the PUBLIC HATES PARIS AND ASSUMES SHE PROBABLY HAS HAD CRABS AND VARIOUS FORMS OF CROTCH ROT, IN ADDITION TO HER HERPES. Do I recall the phrase "American Royalty"? The coronation of crotch rot! Consider the herpes your crown Paris.


WHERE ARE THE CRABS everyone's raving over??

Kai/ Shalom

Sorry for coming off wrong, Cyclops. I'll shut off the computer and calm down. This is my first time being censored, and as they say, the first time is always the hardest. Censor away, 14, and I'm quite aware it's Gallery of the Absurd, thanks. I'm a loyal supporter of 14, you may have missed that though in your focus on one slip of mine. I'm going to take a long walk until I can be my mild, perfectly agreeable self again.

I'm flattered for the attention, though.

Cyclops Kitten Natividad

Kai, get over yourself. It's Gallery of the Absurd, not Gallery of the Kai. 14 can post whatever comments she wants to. It's her blog, she pays for it. She's edited a couple of my comments, AND I KNOW HER IN REAL LIFE.
Sometimes it's best to shut off the computer and take a nice long walk, if this all starts seeming important and not just entertainment.


Regarding comments........

The layout of the comments section is a little confusing, but here's how it works. Your name appears underneath your comment. It's confusing because the person's name above you appears within the little dotted line. I wish I could change it, but it's Typepad's layout and it has to stay that way.

see? there's my name right down below. Kiki didn't write this even though her name is up there under the dotted line.

Ahhh, one little problem cleared up, another HUGE one still pending.




Hey comment is attributed to Adam Smith and the comment with my name on it is someone elses!


Don't you dare take that picture down! Her douche bag lawyers can rant all they want, she's going to jail soon anyways....this is the least of her problems. Girl needs to haul ass back to the east coast and disappear forever! SO SICK OF THIS SKANK!!!! she is right up there with Lindsay Lohan...ughhhh Seriously WTF!


Don't let the bastards get you down! Oh, please continue to hold a mirror up to their foul, twisted're doing a great service to anyone who even considers idolizing these sad excuses for human beings and doing justice to the (almost) lost art of satire. Paint on, sister.

Adam Smith

To 64, or whatever your name is.

You wrote adressing this to me:

"To Adam Smith:
Have you ever heard of PARODY. Are you aware of the gossip scene. If Paris has feelings, why does she insist on showing what we do not want to see?? Grow up man!"

I believe in this statement you are attributing the statement of the idiot writing below me, to me.
The system here is quite simple: a post is made,14 accepts or denies the post,
the name of the writer of that post then appears under the post - not above it.

If you had bothered to read what I'd actually written you would be perfectly aware that I know what PARODY is.

Right now,I'm contacting my firm of bastard corporate lawyers and seriously looking into taking legal action against you.

The charges are covered by the,
"Accusation of non-appreciation of irony laws." of 1765;the "Mis-attribution of an idiots musings, to an otherwise innocent party." laws of 1912 and the "Paying of insufficient attention." laws of 1486.,among many others.

I'm also looking into taking up the most serious charge,the "Invention of spurious social phenomena laws." of 1983, and taking it under advisement.

Honestly, "The Gossip Scene", what the fuck is that? If by this,you mean, groups of people interacting in different social environments and contexts,with other people commenting on it in various different ways, then surely you're describing what everyone does.
By the "Gossip scene",do you mean the world? Believe me, I'm more aware of this than you would ever know, so you "grow up" and please pay attention.

Any way,expect legal proceedings to begin soon. An e-mail from 'Evil Bastard and Cynical Fuck Associates' is winging it's way to you, this very moment.
You are a grapefruit.


I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Paris Hilton can hire some lawyers to try and stop people from further seeing a brilliant representation of what the world thinks of her. A vain attempt, it simply fails to accomplish anything in her favor.

This is the tip of the boil that Paris Hilton represents to the world, here it is, a piece of art praised by all who see it.

The public's view of her has gotten to this point, and no lawyer, no god, no one can change what everyone thinks of her, what everyone has thought of her for a very long time now.

If anything, this vain attempt to remove the art work only brings more attention to it, more praise, and further damage to her already way-beyond-repair image.

I will sing to the chorus of the world on this one, 14 this truly captures the essence of what we think of these people, it's brilliant!

Hell's Bells

You got to a Hilton. Well done. You have arrived!!!!


Gods, woman, you are brilliant!

I was laughing so hard, tears were running down my face... thank you!


you can still see the original version with the crabs here

fanny pack

Fourteen -- We will pass a hat should it come to that. You entertain us for free every week! I feel I owe you something.

What has Parasite Hilton done for any of us -- except of course supply you with endless amounts of material so that we can laugh our asses off.

I have had the unfortunate circumstance to be in the company of all three of these subjects. Paris was smoking a big fatty at a party as if the law did not apply to her. Hey, I think weed should be legal, but sheesh. Her parents are "so proud" of her. Please. For what? Fucking in public? Getting arrested? Flashing her crotch?

Brandon and Jason Davis were both drunk assholes at their mother's MS charity event. Brandon was so out of it he couldn't speak and Jason broke a wine glass on the pavement and walked around bumming smokes off other guests. And I saw him at the Four Seasons in Maui where his fat leg was oozing something vile poolside. He made a crude statement about making a video with Paris in her room loud enough so that others could hear. Some friend.

Lastly, I saw Nicole at a party where she showed up long enough to get the LV swag bag and then leave. Nice.

Who wants to defend these miserable sods? They are serious a waste of space.

Wendy Wayrad

Your best work yet!

I keep looking it over and laughing and laughing. It's the end of an era. Time to send these weirdos back to their coke stalls.


is there such a thing as fresh water skanky crabs? i mean i think i read something about those damn things. the more i think about maryland blue crabs i doubt those could have been the alleged culprits because they live in clean desirable places. yeah i'm pretty sure those alleged crustaceans were infact crabitus skankitus. if i recall correctly, from what i saw on tv, they prefer smelly musty places in addition to rotten untidy areas other crabs refuse to penetrate. my apologies to the maryland blue crab crabbing industry.


somebody needs to standup for those supposed maryland blue crabs that were apparently in the wrong place at the wrong time. from where i sit i would argue the alleged crabs are the real victims in this or should i say that, hairy, smelly, stinky, rotten untidy mess.


i don't give a shit what that lazy-eyed, no-talent hag says, i still love your site and ESPECIALLY THIS PICTURE to bits. don't ever back down when these assholes try to push you around!
also, i wonder if paris and her lawyers are gonna get all butthurt over the fact that not a single comment on here is in her defense. it truly speaks volumes of how this trashy chick is perceived, and should if nothing else serve as proof that everyone is sick of seeing her ugly mug.

HI PARIS! EVERYONE HATES YOU! now please disappear forever- but remember to take your VALTREX, which taken once daily can help suppress future outbreaks!

Adam Smith

Oops. The thought did cross my mind that you might be on legally dubious ground there.

It occured to me at the time,that while the Vicodin and Valtrex suggestions are provable in terms of actual physical evidence and the interpretation of Paris' features are subjective,the implication that she may suffer from that particular S.T.D are only hearsay.Sorry to hear they took it so seriously.Though the fact they noticed you can be seen as a kind of badge of honour.

I read the lawyer's statement and I must say the use of the term "loathsome diseases"
made me laugh out loud.It's the sort of piss poor use of language that a lot of lawyers seem to affect,for maximum pomposity. This is strange for a profession where one is trained in the use of rhetoric. You would think that looking like a ridiculous flouncing wanker would be the last thing you would want to do,when trying to persuade people of your argument.

The question here is, what is implied by the statement.Is it the disease that is loathsome or the suggestion that being a carrier is loathsome? It really is'nt clear.By trying to euphemise about the state of Paris' crotch,(loathsome or otherwise),they've proved themselves to be syntactic,semiological cripples of a George Bush calibre.

Is this the sort of meaning deprived cretins that top law firms hire?
The answer here is apparent in the question,(rhetorical by the way).

Something that could be said to be loathsome is by it's definition something that arouses hatred or digust.Aren't all diseases in themselves therefore loathsome?
I would hardly punch the air in triumph if a doctor told me I had Marburg's disease and would most likely die from hemorrhagic fever in a week.Infact,as blood seeped from my every orifice,I would most certainly loathe that particular virus, before slipping into a coma and dying.

In all seriousness,the message that is being poorly conveyed here,is the that by (alledgely) implying that Paris has Crabs you are invoking hatred and disgust.
This is something she does everyday, without your's or anybody else's help.
The evidence is everywhere, as I alluded to in my first post.

Unlike me,she did'nt even bother checking herself before wrecking herself.
She will never learn.Ever.


14, you have my deepest admiration for your talent and slightly insane vision.

And aren't you proud that you upset Ms Hilton? I know I would be.


God... why did you guys make her gnarly feet look almost human. Funny how she NOW always wears closed toe shoes.. or at least shoes that cover most of her feet.. I can't figure out why she doesn't have surgery on her deformed feet and toes.


Don't you dare take down this work. I would be highly upset that rich spoiled girls have the upper hand on the rest of us.
GOOD GOING! I love your work!!

Kai/ Shalom

I'm mildly offended. I guess 14 had to censor my comment musing about the crabs. Well, I understand the attourney thing. I think everyone agrees they have no ground. I support you. I'm just... a little ticked about my comment... I believed it was innocent.. I guess I could rant about how I'm never coming back, but I don't think 14 needs to see her readers jump ship on top of everything else. But still.... kinda a blow...

Later... I guess.

MaMa Mia

I thought all was fair in love and parody? Paris is such an idiot-I can't believe she's worried about a cartoon after we've all seen far worse (and all true) when that paris exposed site was up.

Paris is a Whore

Don't you DARE take that down. Fuck her and fuck her lawyers. They can't touch you. Satire is covered under the first amendment. The dumb whore is only doing this so she'll get publicity. Idiot would probably sue the Hilton in Paris because it has her name on it.


I'm kind of having a hard time believing paris slutbag hilton's lawyer would get anywhere in court if he tried to sue you. He really has no ground to stand on. Anyways, I support you wholeheartedly! thank you for making us all laugh til we pee our pants a little. ( god I hope it's not just me ) ;p


You have EVERY right to voice your opinion (re: your art) without censorship. Look up the two cases of 2 Live Crew!

I hope your attorney knows what he's doing. Please don't let the idiot censors of the world (Paris Hiltoon) stop you! You are brilliant!


since when was parody illegal?

michael ian bateson

14! i just read about what happened! i can't believe it ... so stupid. she has made a mockery of herself and now she is upset about a picture?

just don't make an 'anatomically correct' chocolate paris hilton... then it is all over! for you and us.

take care!

katie scarlett

well played 14.....


Thank you SO MUCH for all of your support and encouragement. I really do want to put the freshwater crabs back up, but I have to wait and hear from my attorney whether I can legally do that or not. Paris Hilton is far, faaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr wealthier than I and unless Gregory Gabriel can accept payment in the form of rocks and shells, I can't afford to fight for my legal rights in a court of law.



The crabs the crabs bring back Parasites falling crabs!!!!!!!!!


To Adam Smith:
Have you ever heard of PARODY. Are you aware of the gossip scene. If Paris has feelings, why does she insist on showing what we do not want to see?? Grow up man!

LMAO!!!!! (can't stop - not trying to)


What happened to the falling crabs? That was the best part of the pic.


Come on people, I think we all know that "Lilly"and the one with no name are either Paris or one of her raisin-brained friends. Anyways, truly a masterpiece 14! Made me laugh even more than the Renee Zellwiger sour candy one that got me coming here in the first place!

stoney nicole

dont take it down!!! your brilliant.


You ROCK, 14!!! I can't believe Paris didn't like this picture; I think all three of them look MUCH better here than in real life. You are truly an artist for that, if nothing else!


Absolutely brilliant! Genius!! I'm tickled to death that that whore has seen this drawing! Whatever you do, DON'T TAKE IT DOWN!!! *sprawls out in middle of street* DOWN WITH THE FART IN A MITTEN!!


I read about the lawyers breathing down your neck on dlisted. I understand their concerns (giggle, giggle!), but they can't stop your freedom of expression. Hang in there 14.

Cyclops Kitten Natividad

So what you're saying is that Gregory Gabriel is, in fact, a Macaca fascicularis?
(common name: Crab-eating macaque)

Expect a letter shortly from the MFADL, my friend. Oh yes, that is the Macaca Fascicularis Anti-Defamation League. AS IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW.


Can you say "HAMMER TOES"?????? Ewwwww.

Demon Kitty

TO Brumble: "Gregory Gabriel ate them." That made me laugh so hard. It has also made my stomach turn. This is the only place where I can come to get grossed out while laughing hysterically at the same time.

Cyclops Kitten Natividad

This story is getting bigger and bigger, y'all. Our pal 14 is getting written up all over with Paris freaking out about this piece and threatening legal action.

I was wondering about the crab thing myself. After all, it's all over the internet that Ms Hilton has prescriptions for herpes meds, but the crabs...can someone with a hairless kitty cat have crabs? I did a little research.

Yes, apparently "cosmopolitan crabs" can live on the smoothly waxed surfaces of stupid rich people as well as the hairy surfaces of people neither rich or stupid. Check it out:

The possible reason for the wonky eye is also explained in the last sentence of the first paragraph. Science rules!


Awesome picture! The likeness is uncanny!

Love it!

T Pain

Where are the crabs? That was the funniest part besides the huge feet coming out of her shoes. come on, put it back!

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