Gallery of the Absurd

Jeff Polage Visits The Beach

Jeff Polage and I have collaborated once again. We couldn't make it over to Malibu for beach shots, so we settled for a hotel poolside. Jeff stood shamelessly in his underwear, fumbling and scratching his head cartoon-like as he tried to figure out how to put on the bra. Wannabe starlets teetered about in lucite stripper shoes and tiny bikinis as overly groomed CAA agents conducted power meetings over pina coladas. It was the perfect Hollywood day. Here is a hairy version of Nichole Richie stiffly running down the beach with a puckered grimace.

Wow. This one was a tough shot. I couldn't hold the camera steady because I couldn't stop collapsing into laughter. Jeff has a unique ability to transform his stomach into an enormous pot belly and he kept making funny faces and burping loudly. Simple minds are easily amused, I suppose. Jeff had a good time lampooning Brandon "Greasy Bear" Davis.

Here's an outake photo of Jeff. I'm so glad he's my friend. (Jeff Polage: Actor, Grip, Craft Services 14: Photographer, Art Director, Hair and Makeup, Editor)

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Dina Lohan

Today's post written by one of my favorite bloggers, Candy from Holy Candy. Dina Lohan, mom-ager extraordinaire, is many things: an enabler; cleavage advocate; fame-seeker; imaginary Rockette; and, of course, white people’s answer to Oprah. But don’t you dare call her Lindsay’s mother. Dina tells Harper’s Bazaar she's more like a sister to Lindsay – hitting the clubs with her and wearing her hand-me-downs – and sometimes introduces herself as her daughter's personal assistant. She even once lied about her identity to none other than George Clooney. "I don't want them to know I'm her mom," she said. "It's a whole 'nother demographic. People just go dark."

Don’t worry, Dina! It’s our little secret.

No word on whether George took the cougar bait; however, Dina continues to take Hollywood by storm. The 44-year-old (ssshhh!) hasn’t let her daughter’s li’l DUI debacle or any semblance of maternal instincts diminish her love for the spotlight. Nope, the intermittently present mother figure has courageously forged ahead, using her daughter’s time in rehab to score tabloid interviews and some young tail. You go, girl!

In her quest for the “Mother…,” er… I mean “Big Sister of the Year” award, Dina has even found a way to make use of future meal tickets/VIP pass providers/rehab guests, Ali and Cody, a.k.a. Lindsay’s youngest siblings. (Did you really think “A Lohan Holiday” would be sufficient, Ali? I DON’T THINK SO. Momma needs a fame fix!) Yes, Dina has pitched a show to E!, a network with a known soft spot for drug-addled train wrecks.

“The cameras will follow me as I make myself, er… make my kids famous,” Dina suggested. Or something to that effect. The suits were no doubt intrigued. With any luck, the network executives likely thought, Lindsay’s two younger siblings will also self-destruct before the cameras while under the tender tutelage of their Mom-Ager. Ratings gold!

To those who question her tireless, offspring-driven search of a red carpet, Dina gives the one-finger salute. "I'm living the American dream, and [those who don’t like it] can go..." Dina told Harper’s Bazaar (before leaning back to bask in the reflected glow of her daughter’s sullied star). Mother of the Year, indeed. Medium: graphite, ink on paper, digital color. Thanks Candy.

Here's Dina Lohan's newest wallet photo.

Victoria "Posh" Beckham Invades Los Angeles

Victoria "Posh" Beckham has been staging a shameless media blitz so everyone will know without a doubt that she and David have officially arrived in Los Angeles. Instead of choosing a private jet and making a discreet arrival, they made their journey on a commercial jet and flew into LAX with hoards of photographers standing by. Victoria also starred in her own reality TV show, "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America", but critics were quick to savage it. The New York Post described Victoria's "vapid, condescending behavior" and called the show "an orgy of self-indulgence". Oh, and let's not forget the W cover. Victoria is often compared to a robot due to her inabilty to crack a smile and show emotion. Not only is she filthy rich, she sleeps next to David Beckham at night...if I were her, I'd be smiling all time. I've chosen to portray Ms. Beckham as Futura, the icy fembot from the 1927 silent film masterpiece Metropolis. I found the resemblance to be astounding. Medium: acrylic and gouache on board, quantum entanglement, digital color.

Stylish Fashion Choices For Oversized Flightless Birds

This image will make sense if you click here. That's all I have to say about the matter.

Is Britney Headed for Another Breakdown?

US Weekly recently presented compelling evidence that Britney Spears may be headed toward another apocalyptic public meltdown. The clues are there, and US Weekly was the first to warn the public of the impending disaster. The tabloid asked "experts" to observe Britney's current behavior/fashion choices and compare the results with her pre-meltdown behavior/fashion choices. US even went and found real live doctors to test their hypothesis! Now that's credible reportin'. Dr. Martin Pennington, a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience and Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist/TV host gave their expert commentary on Britney's condition and the prognosis doesn't look good. Here are the four warning signs:

4. Britney was flashing flesh before her first meltdown and now she's doing it again. These days, she can be seen parading around Hollywood wearing sheer tops with brightly colored bras - that is, if she chooses to wear a bra at all. She has no problems going out in public looking like a tawdry scarecrow. "She's saying 'I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it,'" Dr. Pennington says of Spears.

3. Britney wears the same old pair of rotting boots every day. "It's a form of rebellion," says Ludwig of Spears' tendency to wear the same boots over and over...She's thumbing her nose at everyone."

2. For some reason, chihuahua puppies figure into the equation. According to the doctors, excessive chihuahua cuddling is symptomatic of a looming meltdown. "It's about being wanted and appreciated for who she is" says Ludwig.

1. Britney has once again dyed her horse hair dark - this does not bode well. If you'll remember, she had dark locks before she grabbed the clippers to shave that mess off. "When Britney was blonder, she was 'good,'" says Ludwig, "Now she's getting in touch with her 'darker' side."

Medium: graphite sketches torn out of sketchbook with digital color added.

Kooky Hollywood Moms: Lynne Spears

Britney Spears isn't happy about her mother Lynne "forcing" her into rehab. Britney claims she never had a drug or alcohol problem and that the real reason behind her public meltdown was post-partum depression. Recently blaming the umbrella-beaten paparazzi for invading her privacy, Britney quickly turned friendly when she realized she could use them as allies in her temper tantrum war against her mother. Cold-hearted Brit made sure plenty of photographers were present when she drove up to her mother's location, stormed out of her car, and delivered a hand-written note threatening Lynne if she ever tried to see her grandchildren. Britney has also considered filing a restraining order against her mom and also cutting mommy out of her will. Ouch. Grief-stricken Lynne is doing everything to lure Brit back into her good graces. Here we see Lynne as she stands outside the gates of Britney's McMansion, sobbing and trembling as she holds up a Cheetos peace offering. If she stands out there long enough, Britney won't be able to resist the temptation and there'll be a tearful reunion. Later, Brit will post a public letter on her website claiming her anger toward her mother was all just preparation for a movie "roll". Medium: graphite on paper, digital color.