Gallery of the Absurd

Photoshop in a Can: Star Jones Edition

Just a few short years ago, Star Jones was a bloated biomass who draped herself in the pelts of dead animals while gobbling up media attention with the same gusto as she gobbled up bacon double cheeseburgers. Now, thanks to gastric bypass surgery and the magic of Photoshop in a Can, she has a brand new look and a brand new job.

Even though Star Jones is no longer obese, she still loves to adorn her diva self with loads of fur. She was thrilled to learn she can use Photoshop in a Can to airbrush away her mink coat anytime she finds herself confronted by those pesky folks from PETA. She carries a purse-sized can of the stuff with her at all times. Medium: Photos of dead rats, snarling possums, lifeless foxes, a squirrel that tried to attack me at the park (seriously), a mutilated cow left behind by space aliens, and Star Jones.

Star might be using a wee bit too much Photoshop in a Can. She's gone and made herself look like a cross between a venus flytrap and a wet praying mantis. Stop now while you can Star! There's no revert or undo button! Medium: ink, acrylic on paper, digital color. If you'd like to see definitive proof that Gallery of the Absurd provides you with only the most accurate celebrity depictions, then please click here.

Courtney Love Exposes Her Body and Mind

Courtney Love's Latest MySpace Blog Entry Friday, August 17, 2007 im in new issue of harpers bizarre. stripped bare except for diamond necklace. sorry, NOT a pearl necklace, this isn't penthouse, u dirty pigs. heh. shot by the ponytialed prince of cool himself Karl Lagerfeld. me and lagerfeld. lagerfeld and me. take THAT and stuf it in ur L.A.M.B. Stefani! heh.this is in now way a response to alleged reports on blogs an dibn tabloids that my body looks "airbrushed" (where there actually was hardly any). my body looks damn good. thesse accusations of airbrushed things beyond my thighs and boobs and abs and face are crap. drinking 8 ensures a day, tons of antioxidents and good stuff plus carbs GOOD casrbs and its made my cheeks and mouth not so sunken, and THATS why my body look younger than my daughters. hear that cuddle bear sweeetoe pie Rossdale? im a REAL woman, well except my nose and lips which im gonna RESTORE to NATURAL, who uses antioxidents and colonics to lose the weight and look seXXXy, unlike a cert[ain hollaback girl whos a bulimic liar just like the rest of them. broccoli and fish my asss. so if u get tired of being with a chick who lies and very mucbh wants to be p[opular abnd accepted, wants be trendy but not dangerous, then u know where to find me. ill be waiting. just hanging out, eating sprinkles cupcakes and burning sum of those stupid overrpriced sportsacs heh. okay, im gonna delete this post, im not biting that shittty bait from the blogs an dibn tabloids. right after I detox and have a pack of ciggies. Cork Post written Courtney Love-style by Candy of Holy Candy. Medium: Watercolor, colored pencil on paper.

Child Rearin' and Drivin' Tips From Britney

Are you sick and tired of your kids ruining all your fun? Do you yearn to party with strippers all night, grope strangers in pools, and jet off to Las Vegas on a whim, but your kids are holding you back? Can't find enough parked cars to ram your Mercedes into? Not sure which side of the road to drive? Do you find child-safety seats a big hassle? Then you need Britney Spears' comprehensive and educational new book, "Britney's Drivin' Manual and Parentin' Tips." You'll learn to balance the demands of parenthood while actively pursuing the 24/7 party lifestyle of a fallen pop star. Britney's tips are so easy, anyone can do it! Here's a sample excerpt:

"Sometimes it's so hard to party with yer friends when the babies won't stop cryin'. To keep them lil' critters quiet, I just pour sodey pop in their bottles and they hush right up. If y'all is concerned about what the sugar will do to their teeth, don't worry, you can just take 'em to the dentist to git their teeth whitened. Oh, and you will not believe this y'all, but I done learned that if ya feed yer youngins a big bowl of ice cream before bed, the cold will make 'em sleepy. That's right y'all, I know the secrets pediatricians won't tell you."

Medium: ink on paper, digital color, pixie dust. Thanks Neal for the inspiration.

John Travolta in Drag Makes For Scary Cinema

Medium: oil pastel, acrylic, collage, charcol on paper, digital text

Now You Can Walk in Paris Hilton's Shoes

 

You know you've secretly always wanted to walk a mile in Paris Hilton's shoes....and now you can! The ex-jailbird has announced she'll be designing her own line of shoes and only Gallery of the Absurd has the exclusive preview of two of the hottest styles from her collection. The Supertanker, shown above, features dainty ankle straps paired with sexy four-inch heels. You need not worry about the state of your pedicure because when you slip on these adorable shoes, your toes will look perfect every time.

 

Forget Jimmy Choo. Forget Manolo Blahnik. Judging from these sexy boots, Paris Hilton is sure to be the new IT shoe designer. Manufactured in China Handcrafted in Italy using only the finest leathers from the largest cows, the Paris Hilton Clodhopper is sure to become your wardrobe favorite. Don't worry about whether or not you can fit these things into your closet - the Clodhopper comes with its very own decorator storage trunk. You can use it as a coffee table and no one will ever know your Clodhoppers are stashed inside. Paris is so clever! (thanks Jessica)

 

Victoria Beckham's robot friends admire her new pair of Paris Hilton Supertankers.

 

Mary Kate Olsen tends to gravitate toward the more unusual expensive designer shoes - and that's why she simply adores her new Paris Hilton Clodhoppers.

Go Forth Ye and Overpopulate

Moments after I had sunk into the comfy window seat at my favorite coffee shop, I opened the Saturday paper and saw this. Seems the ever expanding Duggar Family has spawned yet again. Not only that, but "less than 30 minutes after giving birth, the Duggars were talking of having more." Aren't they concerned about overpopulation? Nah, that's just a bunch of left-wing mumbo jumbo. The photo is interesting because it manages to look both innocent "Arkansas Couple Welcomes 17th Bundle of Joy" and creepy "Broodmare Keeps Her Zombie Rabbits Hypnotized With Her Magic God Finger". Naturally, I decided to paint the creepy version. Medium: torn out photo from newspaper, ink, grease pencil, digital color.