Gallery of the Absurd

Pedro Almodovar Poses With His Oscars

A few months ago, Spanish newspaper El Mundo commissioned me to paint a portrait of Pedro Almodovar, Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas for their weekly magazine. Most of the work that appears on this absurd blog is inspired by gossip, but occasionally I feel like posting illustrations of artists I admire. I tried to find some gossip about Mr. Almodovar, but all I could dig up were friendly barbs about his impressive head of hair. Sources from El Mundo tell me Pedro lives his life to the fullest and can often be found holding court in nightclubs and restaurants while surrounded by adoring friends and fans. Pedro grew up poor and without means to pursue his dream of film directing, but despite his limitations, he never allowed himself to be knocked off course. He worked several odd jobs and even spent 12 years working as an adminstrative assistant for Spain's national telephone company while he created experimental short films during after hours. In 1980, he made his first feature film using his friends as volunteers and later went on to win his first Oscar (Best Foreign Language Film) in 1999. Today, Mr. Almodovar has receieved over 83 film awards and dozens of nominations. I'm told his home country of Spain considers him a national treasure. Medium: acrylic and ink on board.

THANK YOU: Bitch magazine featured Gallery of the Absurd in their quarterly "Bitch List". They said my paintbrush is "skilled in grotesquery and doused with verve" and I couldn't be more flattered. Also, much thanks to the arty Italian street magazine Stirato for using my work in their 7 Deadly Celebrity Sinners feature. Stirato unfolds from a magazine into a giant, visually saturated poster. Put your glasses on and take a look here.

Which is Real, Which is Fake? Part ONE

Can you guess which of these "food" items is a real product and which is the fake? Have you noticed how many products on grocery store shelves seem so cartoon-like and ludicrous? It's amazing how certain food companies transform truckloads of sugar, buckets of corn syrup, a dash of trans fat, a heaping tablespoon of processed sludge, and a generous sprinkling of chemicals into what they call a "snack". Good luck with solving the following 3 puzzles:

Pizza Hut has just added Butter Snackers to their menu and it's selling like hotcakes. The Butter Snacker consists of an entire stick of butter that has been dipped in batter, deep fried, rolled in sugar, drizzled with icing, and it's all topped off with candy sprinkles.

Ever since Domino's Pizza added the Oreo Dessert Pizza to its menu, sales have skyrocketed. An entire bag of Oreos are crumbled over a sweetened pizza crust and then the whole thing is drenched in vanilla icing. Get the door, it's the grim reaper.

Stumped? The answer is here.

Which is Real, Which is Fake? Part TWO

Kandy Kastle has introduced a line of gummy novelty candies. Tape Worms are packaged in a round plastic container and holds six feet of tart sugary goodness. Who knew intestinal parasites came in 3 fruity flavors?

Competing with Kandy Kastle is Kooky Kandy's newest offering, Gummy Ebola Virus. Kids love 'em.

Which product is real? Find the answer here.

Which is Real, Which is Fake? Part THREE

Burger King is attempting to expand its product offerings onto store shelves. Are you craving Burger King fries smothered in salt and ketchup but don't feel like heading over to the drive-thru? No worries. Now you can purchase Burger King Ketchup & Fries flavored potato snacks in grocery and convenience stores. I hear Britney Spears was spotted munching on a bag as she was photographed leaving a public bathroom. Hey, you never know when the munchies will strike. That's why Burger King has gone to the trouble to make it so easy for you to snack whenever you feel like it. They've even graced us with Flame Broiled Burger-Flavored Chips! When I'm hungry, there's nothing I want more than potato chips covered in hamburger-flavored chemicals - how about you?

It's amazing the astounding number of menu items Taco Bell is able to concoct by using just a few basic ingredients. Cheese, refried beans, tortillas, spicy chicken and beef are magically turned into a wide-ranging menu of Gorditos, tacos, Cheesy Beefy Melts, chalupas, Mexican pizza, taquitos, quesadillas, Meximelts, burritos, and Enchiritos. Now Taco Bell is offering bite-sized chips called Crunchitos. Shaped like little tacos and filled with real nacho cheese, these snacks are sure to satisfy your cheesiest of desires. It's like a fiesta in a bag!

Answer here.

Just Britney Art Show - September 28 * Hollywood

The Just Britney art show is opening on September 28th at the WOW Report's storefront gallery located in Hollywood. Curated by Steven Corfe and Thairin Smothers, the show will feature Britney Spears-inspired work from over 30 artists. I'll have two small paintings in the show (above), but they'll go unnoticed due to the presence of the famed "Leave Britney Alone!" YouTube sensation, Chris Crocker. Not only will he be attending the opening, he'll be contributing his art! That's right, if you get to the show as they open the doors, you just might get the chance to purchase this self-portrait photo of the lovely Mr. Crocker posing seductively on top of his Britney Spears memorabillia collection. Other works include a portrait of Britney done in chewed bubble gum(!) by artist Jason Kronenwald and the famous "Snake Charmer" painting by Jamie Boling. The two week show opens at the World of Wonder Art Gallery, 6650 Hollywood Blvd, on September 28 at 8:00pm and goes until midnight.

Lohan Boa Constrictor Swallows Sambora Mouse Whole

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely boa constrictor out in the middle of a Utah rehabilitation facility. This lusty little snake was starved for fresh meat and seething with insatiable desire. One day, a dazed, middle-aged mouse was brought to the rehab facilty. The hungry freckled snake spotted the paunchy old mouse and began to salivate with ardent desire. "Fresh meat, fresh meat, now I shall eat!" exclaimed the nubile reptile, and then she carefully slithered toward the hapless lumpy mouse, wrapped her lusty young body around him, and slowly began to devour the endomorphic rodent. The mouse seemed to enjoy himself even though he knew he was in mortal danger. The end. This dark fairy tale was inspired by Michael K's update about Richie Sambora entering the same rehab facility as the one Lindsay Lohan is currently staying. MK wrote, "I can see her now, slithering into his room like a freckled boa constrictor. She'll take a hold of his mouse and won't let go until she's swallowed it whole. He doesn't have a chance in hell." How could I not illustrate that? Medium: Gouache on vellum. Much thanks to Moonmaid and Filmwatcher2002.

A Case of The Pot Calling The Kettle Black

Punk legend John Lydon lashed out at Sting by calling him a "soggy old dead carcass" and an "old fart". Lydon, no spring chicken himself, complained that listening to Sting squeak through Roxanne was like letting air out of a balloon. Celebrity feuds carried out in the public arena are often entertaining, but no one pulls them off as well as the Brits. The rather corpse-like Lydon also grumbled about Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. "There's no much going on in their head...They obviously don't like what they're doing and that's why you turn to drugs." Sounds like the Punk Rock legend has turned into a grumpy old man. Medium: ink on paper, digital color.

Paris Hilton Greeting Cards: When You Care Enough To Send the Very Best

Another day, another Paris Hilton litigation. This time, her target is Hallmark Cards. The humorless heiress wasn't pleased when she discovered this Hallmark card depicting her as a waitress and using her trademarked phrase, "That's Hot". Paris is suing the greeting card company for $500,000 and Hallmark isn't backing down. A spokeswoman for Hallmark defended the card as parody and said "These cards take a satirical look at news and gossip surrounding these public figures, including Paris Hilton, and we do not believe Hallmark has violated any of Ms. Hilton's rights.". That may be true, but can Hallmark legally use her unauthorized image for profit? I guess we'll soon find out. Pairing my illustrations with actual Paris Hilton quotes, I decided to create a parody of the parody with my own line of Paris Hilton greeting cards. Brighten up someone's day with this cheerful breezy card (pictured above) featuring one of Ms. Hilton's most inspiring revelations, I don't really think, I just walk.

Here's the perfect card to send your "Girls Night Out" pals. Designed to resemble this Hallmark card, your gal pals will be reminded just how lucky they are to be free from all the annoying fame and recognition that Paris Hilton must face each time she goes out.

Help impressionable young tweens aspire toward dignity and class with this candid, yet charming photo of Paris Hilton shamelessly flashing her undies to a crowd of photographers. Paris is a dazzling role model for your precious little daughters.

One of Hallmark's more popular greetings features a character called Little Birdy. Paris Hilton is rather bird-like, so I've created a character called Big Birdy. Big Birdy perches on its branch high in the forest while it ponders the puzzling definition of a soup kitchen.

Of all Paris Hilton's vapid blather, this quote is my all-time favorite. Commenting on Hilton's "royalty", writer Michael Bryan wrote, "Paris is perfect for elevation to the American peerage. Scion of dynastic family wealth she had no part of creating, sporting a name that functions as a brand, vain to the point of self-obsession, possessed of the moronic beauty of youth, superficially glamorous but morally and intellectually impoverished, famous mainly for public lewdness and exhibitionism, owning the mating habits of a Bonobo, and sporting a massive air of entitlement, Paris is eminently qualified to be a member of America's theoretical peerage. In fact, she is a strong candidate for America's Princess." This card honors our Princess and reminds others how important she is to our country.

No One is Lining Up at the Courtney Love Kissing Booth

Courtney Love's lips were the subject of recent scandal after she was caught arriving at a London nightclub "sans makeup, unwittingly revealing her scabbed mouth and spotty skin" to a group of waiting photographers. The report called Courtney a "shadow of her former self" and claimed that even though she quickly tried to spackle her scabs and blemishes with a "heavy-duty coating of make-up", it did little to "hide her freakish appearance." Glaring close-up photos of Courtney's blistered lips are splashed throughout the article and as if they didn't get their point across enough, they've included an enlarged image of her swollen lips so you may observe the disconcerting crustiness in greater pixilated detail (click the first photo to see what I mean). I thought how awful it would feel to be publicly scrutinized like that and yet at the same time, I visualized Courtney standing in a carnival kissing booth, pop-eyed and confused as to why the crowds were avoiding her. Medium: ink on paper, digital color/text.

Various Reviews of Britney's VMA Performance

I didn't watch the VMAs. Sure, I was curious about how Britney's big "comeback performance" would go, but I knew it would be all over the internet as soon as she finished, so why bother? Since I'm more inspired by what you have to say about Britney Spears rather than Britney Spears herself, I decided to illustrate some of the more interesting opinions I found regarding her performance:

Chris Crocker, Britney Spears fan/sobbing YouTube sensation, launches into tearful hysteria and eardrum-busting screams as he pleads to all of us to leave Britney alone. "Her song is called Gimme More for a reason because all you people want is more more more! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! sob."

Nekesa Mumbi Moody of the Associated Press wrote that Britney's performance consisted of "lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home."

Michael K of Dlisted wrote, "I could have dressed a sack of potatoes up in a sequined bikini and turned a tired track on and have gotten a better performance and better lip-synching skills."

50 Cent didn't need words to express his bewilderment over Britney's performance.

Dan Aquilante of the New York Post called Brit's performance "totally lame, pathetically lip-synched" and that "Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song." What got me is when I read the part about how Britney "danced like she had a pantload." Ouch.