Gallery of the Absurd

Heidi Montag a Feminist Hero?

New York Times critic Gina Bellafante called Heidi Montag a “feminist hero” because Heidi focuses more on her career and stands up to that bubble-headed dolt she’s dating. I can’t really comment on the feminist perspectives explored in “The Hills” because I only watched it once and all I came away with was that the girls say “like” a lot and their voices sounded like ducks quacking. Oh yeah, and I was bored senseless.

Looking for some feminist reaction, I stumbled onto Feministing.org and discovered that Bellafante wrote a 1998 essay for Time magazine declaring feminism dead and “devolved into the silly” with “popular culture [insisting] on offering images of grown single women as frazzled, self-absorbed girls.” Soooo, are frazzled, self-absorbed girls with fake body parts, fake jobs, and fake lives the new feminist icons? Yes!

Cryptic Message Regarding Human Evolution

Medium: Ink, acrylic on vintage paper.

Fashion Model or Praying Mantis?

I flipped through Vogue and noticed that many of the fashion models resembled impossible insect-like extraterrestrials. Spindly and emaciated, yet otherworldly beautiful, they appeared as though carefully chosen human DNA had been spliced with that of a praying mantis. Medium: Oil on canvas

Exciting New Product For Teenage Girls: Insta-Age

Middle-Aged Teen Magazine Beauty Product Review

Take one look around Young Hollywood and you’ll see that fresh-faced youthfulness is so last year. From Ali Lohan’s Long Island soccer mom look to Miley Cyrus‘ truck stop hooker makeup, all the hottest teens are hopping on the middle-aged bandwagon!

Of course, not everyone is lucky enough to have stage parents pushing them into premature crow’s feet — but now you, too, can achieve that adorable weathered look with the help of insta-age™.

“It really works,” reveals Middle-Aged Teen beauty editor, Candy. “My thirteen-year-old cousin used it for a week, and she looks like a real hag now. I swear, I even see gray hairs and yellowed teeth. Any time I want to look younger, I just stand next to her. It’s great!”

While on the insta-age™ regimen, our team found it’s also best to avoid water, leafy greens and role models who encourage you to act your age.

Medium: Photo composite. Written by Candy Kirby.

Paris Hilton Collection Turns Heads, Beaks During Fashion Week

PARIS HILTON COLLECTION: REVIEW
Monday, February 25, 2008

Fashion Week Correspondent: Candy Kirby

Paris may be renowned for its springtime, but it’s in the last weeks of February that fashion blossoms here, and what more appropriate way to kick off the celebration than with a show from a “designer” with the same name, Paris Hilton.

The debut of Hilton’s footwear collection, greatly anticipated by drag queens, basketball players and circus clowns, made a splash in the City of Lights — quite literally, as the models escaped at one point to bathe themselves in a fountain on the Place de la Concorde. In a move questioned by many industry insiders, Hilton employed a flock of lookalikes to model the shoes because, as she put it, “What could be hotter than me?”

After the show, Vogue editor-in-chief Anna Wintour grumbled something about a “slow, painful death” for her assistant and the models’ “disgustingly chunky” legs, while the models were seen violently kicking off the shoes and screeching that they could have used them to cross the Seine.

Medium: photo/art collage. Written by Candy Kirby

Exclusive: First Look at Jennifer Lopez & Babies on Cover of People

Max and Emme are ready for their six-million-dollar close-up: We have your first look at Jennifer Lopez and her bundles of joy. Remove your shoes, put on a surgical mask, and go inside their home as the 38-year-old star and husband Marc Anthony, 39, talk about parenthood and break out their finest bling for an exclusive family photo album. Plus Lopez opens up about her sleepless nights waiting for the wet nurse to feed the babies, the benefits of using diamond chip-laden baby lotion and why babies named “Max” have become as common in Hollywood as former Disney stars in rehab.

Says Lopez of motherhood: “I couldn’t be more proud. These guys are the first good thing I’ve made since ‘Out of Sight.’”

Be sure to check out the entire article in the new issue of PEOPLE, which we’re rushing onto newsstands as soon as possible to recoup our exorbitant investment, as well as our loss on the Aguilera cover. (We knew we should have let OK! have it.) Medium: graphite on paper, digital color. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Simon Cowell Pitches For Viagra

American Idol judge and professional sourpuss Simon Cowell claims he turned down a $2 million offer to be the spokesman for Viagra, calling it a “f—ing insult” in the British edition of Glamour magazine. He sniffed:

“Last year my agent rang me and said, ‘You’ve been offered an incredibly big deal. It’s to be the face of Viagra. I just said, ‘Sorry, but that has to be a f—ing insult.’”

However, according to our sources, Simon had a change of heart when he thought about the “perks” of the position.  Medium: digital collage, text written by Candy Kirby.

Keep Your Distance From The Tom Cruise Scientologist

Hurry, hurry, step right up and see the Tom Cruise, Scientologist, pictured in his natural environment on the distant planet Xorzax. Prepare to be amazed as the L. Ron Hubbard spaceship beams top-secret information from the Galactic Confederacy directly into Tom’s cerebral cortex and then marvel as Tom jumps around and cackles as he incoherently spews Hubbard’s thought rays out his mouth and into the collective consciousness of any Earthling that will listen.

Many Earthlings simply ignore or find fleeting entertainment in the wild gesticulations and deranged rants this tiny alien species displays, but make no mistake, this seemingly harmless little extraterrestrial packs a mean punch if you dare to tease, criticize or suggest psychiatric treatment to him. Best to view him from afar. Medium: oil on wood, photoshop.

Paris Hilton's Dainty Hands Now on Display

Poor Paris Hilton, when will the unforgiving public start noticing her vast talent, her selfless contributions to society, her important brand status of “like, a businesswoman”….anything other than the fact she has huge hands, hypertrophied feet, a low dull hum of a personality, an oddly shaped behind (and we all know every unfortunate inch of her intimate parts thanks to the Internet) and her charming little wonk eye? She’s a brand, folks. Don’t you understand? She’s one of America’s most recognizable exports! We should be proud of our national treasure, our American princess, our box office Goliath. Medium: Gouache on paper.