Gallery of the Absurd

Trump's Super Premium Valentine Hate Candy

Donald Trump has just launched an exceptional superior premium luxury Valentine candy and he's confident it will become a best-seller for Valentine's Day. Conversation hearts have been a cherished Valentine tradition since 1902, but Trump says "people were getting sick of all those ridiculous sappy love messages" and decided to revamp the candies to better reflect the arrogance superiority and prestige of the Trump image.

Says Trump:

"Trump super premium luxury Valentine candies are a big idea. Everyone knows the Trump brand is the most recognizable and valued global trademark in existence today. When people see the Trump name, they know they're buying the unrivalled cache that only Trump can provide. These superior candies are crafted from the world's finest ingredients and will rapidly evolve into the unquestioned preference of uncompromising consumers. Trump Valentine Conversation Hearts will outsell all other candies in the Valentine consumables category and if you don't agree, you're a big fat ugly loser idiot with a fat disgusting head and I will take great pleasure in witnessing your public humiliation and failure."

Valentine: Lindsay's Adventures in Wonderland

Oh the agony of the heart that craves the love it cannot have. Troubled party girl Lindsay Lohan has finally checked into rehab in order to recover from her insatiable desire for vodka. The name of the rehab facility is Wonderland. Does the treatment involve the attending of Mad Tea Parties and the chasing of white rabbits? Maybe for Lindsay, but not for anyone else in residence. Sources claim she's given special treatment because of her celebrity status and has turned Wonderland into "a joke". Whatever the case may be, we hope Lindsay receives the publicity treatment she needs for her speedy recovery. Medium: Ink on paper with apologies to Sir John Tenniel. Much thanks to Holly for the brainstorm.

Jingle Booze, Jingle Booze

Rip Torn's mug shot inspires a wonderfully disturbing drunken Santa. Arrested after his sleigh collided with a tractor-trailer, jolly old Saint Nick was slapped with a DUI. Gallery of the Absurd would like to wish you Happy Holidays * Merry Christmas * Happy Hannuka * Glorious Kwanzaa * Fortuitious Festivus* Medium: Graphite and acrylic on paper torn out of my sketch book, digital text and hoo ha.

Valentine, You're My Missing Link

• Genetic comparisons claim 96% similarity between chimps and humans.
• Valentines from the 40's and 50's were corny, creepy, and puzzling.
• The Olsen Twins.

Throw the top three statements into a blender, pour into the brain of a sleep-deprived artist, and within 30 minutes out comes this Valentine. 

Celebrity Valentines: Ernest Borgnine

Gallery of the Absurd is pleased to introduce our first guest artist, Rod Filbrandt. Rod and I share an appreciation of Ernest Borgnine, but only Rod would think to portray Borgnine as Cupid. Old Ernest has appeared in over 100 films, but my favorite was the classic 70's disaster movie The Poseidon Adventure. Watch Ernest Borgnine bark out orders on a sinking ship while angry and wet....swoon, oh how I LOVE Ernest Borgnine.  See more of Rod Filbrandt's work at Chowderhead Bazoo.

Celebrity Valentines: Self-Absorbed Hotel Heiress

If you've got no one to LOVE on Valentine's Day, no worries. You can be like Paris Hilton and LOVE yourself. Anyone that doesn't agree with your inflated assessment of your astounding beauty, talent and accomplishment is just jealous. You are the American dream, the perfect blonde Barbie doll, and everyone wishes they were just like you.

Celebrity Valentines: Love Comes in Many Forms

Although Tara Reid seems to have recently cleaned up her act, she still comes to mind whenever someone mentions the term "party girl". Hundreds of photos documenting Tara's boozy party antics exist on the Internet, and what strikes me is how she always looks so happy as she clings her cocktail close to her heart. This Tara Reid Valentine embodies the giddiness and rapid heartbeat we experience when we realize we have fallen hopelessly in LOVE.

Celebrity Valentines: Sign on the Dotted Line

Nothing says LOVE like signing a $5 million contract agreement to pose as a loving companion to a tiny man with a very large ego.  This nasty little rumor was reported on Page Six and in the New York Daily News, but of course we know it can't be true. Obviously Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are madly in love and shove show their affection and devotion to each other every time they make a public appearance. When I think of LOVE, the first romantic vision that flutters into my head is Tom and Katie with their gushing big grins and persistant public declarations of love. Sigh.

Send this Valentine to your favorite Scientologist today!