Gallery of the Absurd

Lindsay Lohan's "Golden Charms of Crime" Necklace

To commemorate Lindsay Lohan's latest criminal charge, Tabloid Treasures Jewelers, in association with Kamofie & Company, a publicity-hungry Venice jewelry store, is proud to present this lovely Golden Charms of Crime collectible necklace. Crafted from gold-toned metal and coated with tarnished sheen, each charm represents some of Lindsay's most notable crimes, even the ones she denies. Don't worry, there's plenty of room on the necklace to attach additional charms in the likelihood she continues her daring crime sprees in the future. Sparkling factory-created genuine diamonds add dazzling allure...and at the price of only $19.95, this necklace is a steal. Medium: graphite on paper, digital paint.

Lindsay Lohan is a MILKAHOLIC!

First I would like to thank Lindsay Lohan for bringing sublime absurdity roaring back into the tabloid gossip scene. If you've not heard, she's suing E*trade because she's convinced a "milkaholic" baby named Lindsay used in a super bowl commercial is referring to her. She feels she's known 'round the world by her first name much the same way Madonna or Oprah are known and because she's more famous as a boozing party girl than her acting career, she's concluded E*trade must pay up for using her highly valuable image. Had Linds kept quiet about about it, no one would have noticed, but it's high time she be given a new nickname. Fire crotch has lost it's freshness, Milkaholic is MUCH better. Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color. Original sketch here.

Celebrity Family Photo Christmas Cards: The Lohans

What do you know, I received another celebrity greeting card today and this time it's from the Lohans. Dina likes to party with her kids, so she arranged for a 2:00 am photo shoot inside Ali's favorite LA nightclub last Wednesday. Don't they look cute? Apparently, the kids' ex-jailbird father showed up and refused to leave. There was a mild squirmish when Dina screamed at him to get out of the photos, "You aren't even dressed properly! And for the love of God, why are you wearing mom jeans!?!?" Michael shot back, "Don't you dare use the Lord's name in vain, heathen woman! Hey wait, is that US Weekly? Hey, over here, over here - I'd like to talk to the press about Lindsay!" Michael wandered off to track down more paparazzi, but unfortunately for the rest of the Lohan family, he still ended up in their Christmas photo. And yes, Dina enclosed a Dina family update in the letter and you may read it here. Adequite Christmas everyone!

If you're looking for a classy holiday card from Britney Spears, you'll find it here.

If you'd like to see the greatest Christmas movie ever, watch this clip from Santa Claus, a 1959 Mexican motion picture extravaganza. Santa lives in a castle floating in outer space and devils are out to get him.

Valentine: Lindsay's Adventures in Wonderland

Oh the agony of the heart that craves the love it cannot have. Troubled party girl Lindsay Lohan has finally checked into rehab in order to recover from her insatiable desire for vodka. The name of the rehab facility is Wonderland. Does the treatment involve the attending of Mad Tea Parties and the chasing of white rabbits? Maybe for Lindsay, but not for anyone else in residence. Sources claim she's given special treatment because of her celebrity status and has turned Wonderland into "a joke". Whatever the case may be, we hope Lindsay receives the publicity treatment she needs for her speedy recovery. Medium: Ink on paper with apologies to Sir John Tenniel. Much thanks to Holly for the brainstorm.

Lindsay Lohan's Brand Defamation

Strawberry Quik, an artificially flavored powdered drink mix favored by sugar-infused children, has been transformed into a cocaine condiment allegedly favored by certain booze-infused starlets. Strawberry Quik imparts a fashionable shade of baby pink and balances the bitter aftertaste with a cloying sugary sweetness. When Page Six ran a blind item asking "which hard-partying Hollwood starlet...cuts her coke with strawberry Quik", bloggers were quick to speculate Lindsay Lohan as the culprit. I wonder how the Nestle Company feels about Lindsay's unlikely association with one of their respected brands? Medium: Ink on paper, digital color.

Continuing her swath of destruction, Lindsay picks Al Gore as her next brand defamation target. According to Page Six, Lindsay sent a bizarre email out to her friends and lawyers, writing "Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he'd be happy to have a conversation with me." Al Gore's publicists worked quickly to distance him from the poison of the Lohan. Medium: photo collage.

Get your hot Lindsay Lohan "Be Adequite" T-shirt here!

Britney, Lindsay and Paris: The Three Disgraces

La Primavera is one of Sandro Botticelli's best known paintings. The angelic figures shown in this ethereal work of art all represent mythological characters. While viewing this painting at the Uffizi, my eyes were drawn to the fluid movement and delicate beauty of the Three Graces. According to Greek mythology, the Three Graces represent beauty, charm and joy. Contemporary mythological characters such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are the antithesis of grace. This makes them the Three Disgraces. They represent sleaze, trash, and desperate cry for attention. What makes these women think we want to see high resolution photos of their bald, flabby, and in Britney's case, Kevin Federline-infected genitalia? If they want to show off their crotch, why don't they just go ahead and pose for Playboy? Their girlie bits would be thankfully photo retouched to oblivion and our precious eyeballs would be spared the harsh detail of pimples, stubble, cesarean scar and general ickiness sullying their private parts. Medium: Acrylic on board.

The Man-Eating Party Panda

The Lohan Party Panda can be found roaming the hottest clubs across New York, Las Vegas and Hollywood. Quite often, it can also be spotted in various hospital emergency rooms. This lusty little red panda has an enormous appetite for the male species and is a highly skilled predator. The Party Panda's natural enemy is the Paris Hilton Ass Ostrich and one may observe their warring behavior documented inside the pages of The Glossy Field Guide to Hollywood Animals. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K. Illustration done for Animal Magazine

The Truth Behind Starlet Crotch Photos

We're pleased to report that these young ladies are simply wearing Karl Lagerfeld's sizzlingly sexy new line of lingerie - Seductive Baboon. Lagerfeld noticed striking similarity between the mating behavior of the female baboon and that of certain free-wheeling Hollywood starlets and was inspired to create a line of underwear that resembles the swollen ass of a baboon.  We know, it's hard to tell the difference, but that's where Lagerfeld's genius is apparent. Sexy, no? Karl shares his insight with us:

We adore the Paris Hilton version of Seductive Baboon underwear! They even have a little pocket sewn on so that "Crabby" has a dark place to hide when there's too much sunlight disturbing him.  Folks, there's no longer any need to gouge out your eyeballs after you see yet another photo of Hilton's crotch...rest assured, she's wearing Seductive Baboon. Available at fine stores everywhere.

Gossip Trading Cards: Wanton Starlet

Lindsay Lohan's swinging love life could easily be mistaken for one of those trashy pulp fiction novels from the 50's and 60's. With her come-hither, yet dazed eyes, she's the perfect model of man eating temptress typically shown on the covers of lurid vintage paperbacks. Consider these actual titles...Born For Sin, Man Bait, or Lust is a Woman and imagine how natural Lindsay would look pictured on the cover. One can hardly keep up with reports of who she's dating, one week it's Brett Ratner and the next it's Bruce Willis.  The most recent report claims she's moving to Europe because she's dating "several men over there." Once she's ravanged Europe, the little kitten on the prowl is sure to relocate to other continents in search of fresh prey. Medium: Acrylic on board, digital text.

To further my point, I scanned a random page from Lust in Orbit, a 1963 title from my own collection of trashy vintage novels. After reading this excerpt, one can easily picture Lindsay as the narrator.

Hollywood Skeleton Girls

Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie appear to have stopped eating....but that hasn't stopped them from stepping out to the clubs every night! Need a hot date for a night out in Hollywood? Just borrow a lifesize skeleton from a high school anatomy classroom and toss a blonde wig on it.