Gallery of the Absurd

Paula Deen's Empire of Butter

I was a bit bleary-eyed when I walked past the newsstand on New Years Day and spotted a Paula Deen magazine. Not yet awake and my mind still fuzzy, my eyeballs were hijacked by what appears to be a human marshmallow with a blinding smile displaying a tray of gooey chocolate desserts. Nuts, whipped cream, and peanut butter were swirled together with chocolate sauce - and because that's still not enough sugary sweetness, a nutter butter cookie was shoved in for good measure. Ms. Deen holds one of the desserts up to her head. They are practically the same size. I glanced at the magazine title: Quick and Easy, but in my delicate state I read it as "QUEASY".  

After the trauma passed, I decided to learn more about Paula Deen.  Are you hungry? Go to her website and find such delightful recipes as Deep Fried Lasagna, Gooey Butter Cake, or burgers served on a Krispy Kreme donut. But that's not all, Paula Deen has built an empire! Not only can you purchase Paula Deen cookware, spices, condiments, and pork shanks, she's gone all Ed Hardy on us with crystal-bedecked key chains, reading glasses, and checkbook covers, with more shiny trinkets sure to follow.  Paula isn't worried about her health and doesn't believe in exercise (it KEELS y'all, and makes you drop over DAY-ed), but watch here as she lifts a dumb bell for the first time in her life and slobbers over her "hot young trainer". Uncomfortable. Medium: Acrylic and gouache on paper, digital text.

Rachael Ray's Dog Food Kicks Off Disturbing Celebrity Chef Trend

Rachael Ray has planted the seed of what is sure to be the next big thing for celebrity chefs. Rach just announced her new dog food "Nutrish" and it's full of "real meat and veggies" with just a "dash of EVOO". Hey, sounds better than some of the recipes for her human food! She's giving a portion of Nutrish sales to pet charities, so I can't tease her too much about it. 

However... Because celebrity chefs can't seem to get enough of hawking books, magazines, endorsements and branded items such as condiments, kitchen bobble heads, cookware, and deep fryers, we can be fairly certain other big name chefs will announce their own brands of dog food. A sampling:  

Mario Batali will offer a premium dog food "inspired" by the flavors of Italy.

Hell's Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsay will further cash in on his draconian image by offering a branded premium canine cuisine aimed at aggressive breeds such as Dobermans, German Shepards and Chihuahuas.

Paula Deen just cain't help herself y'aaaaaal. She'll debut a dawg fewd inspired by her down home Southern cookin' and will include such tasty vittles as Bubba's Country Fried Steak and savory Sausage Pie.

It's only a matter of time, you just wait and see. Medium: ink on paper, secret elf technology and photoshop. Much thanks to Leslie for the alert.

 

Panic Ensues As Terror Alert Heightened to Donut Level

The Department of Homeland Security has raised the U.S. Terror Alert to Donut Level after TV food terrorist Rachael Ray was shown threatening weapons of mass consumption while wearing a paisley scarf in an undated video obtained by the CIA. Rachael is seen violently shaking her finger while urging Americans to eat more sugary, deep fried Dunkin Donuts. The weapons of mass consumption can be seen stocked inside Rach's secret underground bunker, a clear sign she's planning an attack. The FBI is warning all Americans to be on heightened alert and exercise caution if spotting a person wearing the dreaded paisley scarf or if encountering anyone who recommends serving Hot Dog Mac and Cheese at a dinner party. Medium: photo collage, much thanks to Lynn and Dr. L for the tip.

Rachael Ray is a Donut Pusher

Rachael Ray has agreed to shill a multi-million dollar marketing campaign designed to raise brand awareness of Dunkin' Donuts. Very soon, you'll see her perky face all over TV as she cheerfully chirps nonsense about how Dunkin' Donuts can be a "healthful" addition to a balanced diet. Our spies tell us that food-loving Rach is planning a donut-themed cookbook to hit the shelves this summer. You'll find healthy and fun donut recipes for everything from appetizers to drinks to full-course dinners....all easily prepared in only 15 minutes. Medium: acrylic on board, photoshop.

Also included with the book is a handy set of full-color recipe cards for her most popular dishes. Learn how to make Rachael's signature cocktail, the vodka Donutini. Amaze and delight your friends with Rachael's deelish Donut "Sammy"

That crafty Rachael, she's even figured out how to prepare a healthy salad using powdered donuts as an ingredient. This page scanned from her upcoming cook book shows you just how easy and delicious her recipes are. As Rachael says, "mmmmmmmmmm". Photos and food styling by 14.

Rachael Ray: Perky Demented Food Chipmunk

While shopping a few weeks ago I noticed Rachael Ray's perpetually perky face plastered all over the place. There she was on magazine covers, books, packages of culinary knives, and most troubling of all, a box of Ritz Crackers. That night, after my Rachael Ray overload, I went online to try and understand how/why she had become so frighteningly ubiquitous. When I came across her recipes for Hotdog Salad and Sangria on a Stick while perusing her website, my fear only intensified. Later that night, I awoke with a terrible jolt after having a nightmare about a giant evil-grinned Rachael Ray chipmunk trying to force me to taste her latest 30-minute recipe "Velveeta Cheese Pie with Triscuit Cracker Crust". YUM-O!

Whether you're a fan of Rachael Ray or not, she's become a trusted brand of numbing mass consumption and you're just going to have to get used to her happy little chipmunk face staring back at you from nearly every product under the sun. Medium: Ink with digital color.

UPDATE! Rachael Ray's new name is Racial Ray. Acording to TMZ, she drank too much wine at dinner and started spewing hateful remarks. The chipmunk is rabid.