A Shocking Night at the Grocery Store

I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store watching the man in front of me pull his wallet from out of his pants (not his pocket, his PANTS) and then I started giggling because the cashier didn't want to touch his money and she started lecturing him about how it's unsanitary to keep money near one's "personal area" and he kept saying "I am shocked, absolutely SHOCKED you are talking to me like this!!" and she screams "I NOT touch you money!!!!" I had to look away, so as to not burst out laughing...so I turn my attention to the tabloid rack and am SHOCKED to see an angry Jessica Simpson snarling at me from the cover of OK! Magazine with the headline, "Jessica Gets Her Revenge!!!" I'm used to seeing Jessica looking like a goofy cotton candy airhead, mouth open wide, clueless deer in the headlight eyes, skin a cheery shade of orange...but this photo hints she might be changing her image from Fluffy Blonde Boob Bimbo to Scorned Bad Girl on a Mission for Revenge. oooooh, I hope so!!! Medium: Ink and watercolor on paper.

Comments

[bobo]

She's a pretty girl if you only count looks. But if you get to know her...run for your life!! So yeah this picture is quiet scary!

[demarriob]

this is why alot of people go to hell, because it has dumb pretty chicks. with STDs that'll have you burning for eternality.

[Viper Tetsu]

Jessica Simpson as Bad Ass. Brill-frickin'-YUNT!

If only every young woman had an armada of Yes-Men, managers, agents, and sycophants, working as a well-oiled juggernaut of a machine to manufacture empowerment for her. You capture the thumbsucking pouty baby 'neath the carefully-lacquered pseudo-tough-dame exterior to a tart T.

Oh, and for the record, I adore the oddly beautiful insects, impossible microscopic spores and mindblowing frogs that you paint. And they don't need to be swaddled in Hollywood tinsel to be cool. Edit this last paragraph out so I don't appear the sap, kitten. Thanks.

[Francine]

Awesome job at capturing the horror of her Flinstonian features. She could crack walnuts with that beefy lower mandible of hers.

[cherise]

lol! your li'l story got me laughing!

[Willie]

14, 4 here. Kidding, real name isn't 4. Love your work! You are very clever and inspirational. The subject matter of your stuff reminded me of one of my drawings which I am happy to share: http://williebaronet.blogspot.com/2005/07/your-favorite-and-mine.html Thanks for sharing your glorious self!

[Staciepooh]

I think it's amazing how you made her face look like some kind of Succubus...it's great! Thanks.

[La BellaDonna]

It is only now, through your genius, that I realize that Jessica Simpson actually looks like John Travolta* in a cheap blonde wig.

(*without the Tony Manero mental acuity)

[evil T]

I saw this photo and knew it was just a matter of time... Next time the bad girl should be naked or in a lude and unnatural act if she's serious about the change of perception. Ever wonder what happened to Chris Gaines?

Ohhh nooo, god I'd just feel sorry for that poor check out chick.

You just know Jessica's looks are just going down hill from here on in, well hopefully.

[Close your mouth, Dear]

Oxygen Burglars...meet Miss Kiera Knightly. The only way you can tell her apart from Natalie "Incredibly OverExposed" Portman is that Natalie has the ability to KEEP HER MOUTH CLOSED.
WTF is up with that stupid open mouth pout? She ruined "Pirates" with her "I'm so tough but I have to pout" act. UGH. Yeah, we know you have expensive teeth, now put them away!

Back to Jessica; I like how you made her mouth look like she's just been punched in it. She looks like Raging Bull[sh!t].

[christi]

I loved the orange Jessica in your fake tan ad, but THIS is the Jessica portrait I have been waiting for! Dead on and funny as hell. Love the lips. :)

[Penname]

Awesome anecdote! And put me in the category for wanting to see spore paintings.

[tricia]

I would not touch that money either. I think I'd pay for the thing myself to avoid touching that money. And I usually like touching money.

Shouldn't Jessica S. look more orangey? Anyway, apart from Britney, she has the blankest eyes of any celebrity---make that any person---I've ever seen.

[14]

Hi Pete and Idle Receptionist...

soon. very soon you'll see my "other" work. : )

14

[Wee-Bone Talker]

Maybe 14 could render a gallery of "oxygen burglars" - vapid celebrities who appear to always breathe through their mouths. There's already a Puffy P. Diddley if I remember correctly.

[Pete]

Hey 14,

I've been viewing your wonderfully snarky picto-blog for months now and have gotten more than a few chuckles from your hilarious illustrations and comments. Now I learn that you "...paint oddly beautiful insects, impossible microscopic spores and mindblowing frogs..." - I'm a Natural History Freak and would love to see some examples! Please make some of these available to view.

[Suburbia in the City]

I love the picture! I am still wondering how the heck she became an iconic pop culture figure. It's interesting when people say her airhead persona is an act, I don't give her that much intelligence or credit.

[BrnEyedGirl676]

I normally love your work, 14, but this one seems sort of blah. I usually have to look hard to find tiny, giggle-inducing nuances.

I have to say that I would have highly enjoyed a painting of your trip to the grocery store - complete with microscopic pubes on the money the cashier was refusing to accept!

[DonnaJEM]

Oh how excellent!
Love the small touches, bump on her nose, plump when you cook 'em lips, hiney chin and man-jaw.
Perfection.

[TheIdleReceptionist]

Ahhh....14. The preceding story was hilarious...I'd be afraid to touch his money (hehe...sexual euphamism detected) too!

This J-Simp pic is the bees knees! I'd love to see her go through a blue period and get all itchy and depressed. And like, borrow studded belts from Ashlee and write "dark" music. HAH! Who am I kidding? She can't write.

Can you ever post pix of your non-celebrity related work? I'd love to see it...

[Ilsa]

That story made me giggle out loud. I am SHOCKED, absolutely SHOCKED at your genius as always!

XOXOXO

[Demon Kitty]

To quote Cintra Wilson, "Her face looks like it was gnawed out of wood by the inhabitants of Easter Island."

Demon Kitty

[Long Island Irish]

That story is hilarious! Thanks for sharing, it sounds like one of my Walbaums adventures.
I love this poster. She actually looks better mad than she does happy (airheaded?).
I bet a lot of guys would find this to be a major turn on.

[14]

It's an interesting world. I paint oddly beautiful insects, impossible microscopic spores and mindblowing frogs and NO ONE notices or cares, but when I paint Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton, thousands flock to see it. HA! Maybe if I painted Paris and Jessica as insects and frogs...THAT'S IT!!!

newly inspired,
14

[Just Lovin' it all]

I love her bumpy nose and dead, dead eyes. And I love the term "oxygen burglar".

[busket]

you are a national treasure

[Wee-Bone Talker]

But she's still an oxygen burglar. One sweet day nobody will care about her scintillating antics. What a world it will be.