Gallery of the Absurd

Back By Popular Demand: Jeff Polage, Unemployed Actor

Jessica Simpson and her gigantic gaping cavern of a mouth.

Danny Devito while on The View after a wild night of boozing with George Clooney.

Jeff Polage and I have once again locked ourselves in a room with a stack of Star magazines and a camera. I'm happy to report that Jeff is no longer unemployed! He now works as a background actor on several television shows, including Las Vegas on NBC. Keep an eye out for him. I painted this portrait of Jeff in exchange for his enthusiastic willingness to put wet spaghetti on his head all for the sake of art. Medium: pastel on paper.

Britney Spears vs. The Paparazzi

After viewing the photos of Britney Spears' umbrella attack on the paparazzi, I felt as though I had gazed upon something I wasn't meant to see. It felt a little creepy viewing photos of someone who is obviously in great distress, but at the same time, photos like these sell tabloids and increase traffic to the gossip blogs. Britney's plight reminds me of the movie poster for Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds". Just like Tippi Hedren, Britney runs screaming in horror as the winged beasts swoop down upon her. She may want (and certainly deserves) her privacy now that she's trying to recover, but I wonder if she'll seek out the attention of the paparazzi when she's ready to make her big comeback. Medium: gouache on paper, photoshop.

The Anna Nicole Media Circus: Larry King's Painting

A few years ago, Anna Nicole Smith painted a portrait of Larry King and presented it to him during an interview on his show. She told him it was a gift to celebrate his 45 years in broadcasting. The painting looked as though it was painted by a young child (which is why I liked it) and Larry didn't know quite what to make of it. He looked somewhat shocked and finally said "You're very good. You got a lot -- this is a great use of colors, signed it with a little happy face." During Larry's coverage of Anna Nicole's death, he mentioned her painting a few times and even brought it on his show. Of all the Anna Nicole Media Circus coverage, I found Larry King's few moments of sharing Anna's art with his audience the most poignant. You could tell he truly cherished and appreciated the gift she had made for him and by sharing the painting with his viewers, he managed to give Anna Nicole's life a proper tribute by focusing on her kindness instead of her troubles. Medium: acrylic on paper.

Oscar fans, don't miss out on the lively speculation over at Film Experience Blog's 2nd Annual Oscar Symposium.

The Anna Nicole Smith Media Circus: Chyna AKA Joanie Laurer

One of the more interesting freaks starring in the Anna Nicole Media Circus is the trainwreck ex-wrestler Chyna Doll. Larry King's producers somehow thought it was a good idea to invite her on the show to discuss her "friendship" with Anna Nicole. I'm sure Larry was looking for some insight into what it was like to be Anna Nicole's friend, but what he and his viewers got instead was an embarrassing display of self-promotion, incoherent babbling and a snippy cat fight between Chyna and the Trim Spa Wife. Chyna said she was a friend of Anna Nicole, but Trim Spa Wife disagreed and called Chyna a "stalker". A defiant Chyna told Trim Spa Wife to "go get some Trim Spa". Chyna might be able to beat you to a pulp, but she isn't very good at formulating snappy comebacks. Medium: Acrylic on paper, photoshop, much thanks to Holly Aguirre for the title.

The Anna Nicole Smith Media Circus: Bobby Trendy

What is this little pink fluffy poof of satin and tulle that calls itself Bobby Trendy? I know he made a few appearances on The Anna Nicole Show, but why is he being dragged out and interviewed as though he's some sort of authority on Anna Nicole's life? Is it because he "decorated" her home with clever wisps of pink fabric and sparkles? I'm not sure what his relation to Anna Nicole is...all I know is that he's got shiny pink swollen lips paired with a slight smudge of facial hair. It's all I could focus on while I watched him primp and pose as a flamboyant clown starring in the Anna Nicole Smith Media Circus. Medium: Acrylic on paper, warm cups of spite, faux toe shop.

Snappy Valentine's Day!! If you're looking for some kooky retro-style valentines to send to someone you love, go here.

The Anna Nicole Smith Media Circus: Prince Von Anhalt

Watching the frenzied media coverage of Anna Nicole's tragic death is not unlike attending a carnival sideshow and gaping in awe at the collection of freaks and whackos on display. Many bizarre characters have crawled out of obscurity to "comment" on Anna Nicole's untimely death, but what amazes me is how they use the occasion to talk about....themselves. I've created sideshow banners for some of the more entertaining characters featured in the Anna Nicole Smith Media Circus and will post a new one each day. Step right up and be amazed at the deranged old man who calls himself Prince Frederic von Anhalt. This "Prince" has been married to Zsa Zsa Gabor for 20 years and yet claims to have fathered Anna Nicole's baby. When reporters asked for details regarding his decade-long affair with Anna Nicole, he muttered something like "I cannot talk about zee affair because you see, I am a married man." Huh? Then why are you parading yourself out in front of the media?! A few days later, he then opens up a bit and says "Sometimes I'm a bad boy". Medium: Acrylic, prismacolor on paper.

Trump's Super Premium Valentine Hate Candy

Donald Trump has just launched an exceptional superior premium luxury Valentine candy and he's confident it will become a best-seller for Valentine's Day. Conversation hearts have been a cherished Valentine tradition since 1902, but Trump says "people were getting sick of all those ridiculous sappy love messages" and decided to revamp the candies to better reflect the arrogance superiority and prestige of the Trump image. Says Trump:

"Trump super premium luxury Valentine candies are a big idea. Everyone knows the Trump brand is the most recognizable and valued global trademark in existence today. When people see the Trump name, they know they're buying the unrivalled cache that only Trump can provide. These superior candies are crafted from the world's finest ingredients and will rapidly evolve into the unquestioned preference of uncompromising consumers. Trump Valentine Conversation Hearts will outsell all other candies in the Valentine consumables category and if you don't agree, you're a big fat ugly loser idiot with a fat disgusting head and I will take great pleasure in witnessing your public humiliation and failure."

Valentine: Lindsay's Adventures in Wonderland

Oh the agony of the heart that craves the love it cannot have. Troubled party girl Lindsay Lohan has finally checked into rehab in order to recover from her insatiable desire for vodka. The name of the rehab facility is Wonderland. Does the treatment involve the attending of Mad Tea Parties and the chasing of white rabbits? Maybe for Lindsay, but not for anyone else in residence. Sources claim she's given special treatment because of her celebrity status and has turned Wonderland into "a joke". Whatever the case may be, we hope Lindsay receives the publicity treatment she needs for her speedy recovery. Medium: Ink on paper with apologies to Sir John Tenniel. Much thanks to Holly for the brainstorm.