The Simpleton Life, starring Paris and Nicole

We've obtained the exclusive image of the Simple Life Goes To Camp promo poster before it was heavily altered in Photoshop. According to a source, problems plagued the set. Paris Hilton kept flashing her privates because she thought the film crew was the paparazzi. Originally, Brandon Greasy Bear Davis was hired to carry the boat over the water, but a pack of orphaned bear cubs kept following him and he had to be removed from the photo. Tinkerbell threw herself overboard in a final attempt to escape from Paris's clutches. Paris didn't notice her dog was missing until several days later. Medium: ink on paper, digital color. Yes, there's an uncensored version of this illustration and it's painted in horrifying detail.

Photo retouchers had to smooth over Nicole Richie's gaunt face and worked long hours fixing Paris Hilton's "wonky eye"

Brandon Davis sweated profusely during the photoshoot giving him a slippery grasp. Thinking Brandon was their long lost mother, hungry bear cub orphans followed and suckled at him as he carried the boat through the water. The EPA had to be called because a strange oil slick was found in the lake after Mr. Davis emerged from the water.

Comments

[matty]

you win... but what happened to the crabs?

[aka Random Hero]

I love this and all of your work. Never let that nasty bitch or anyone else try to censor you. I guarantee that you have a hell of a lot more admirers than she does.

[Chilly]

PERFECTION as always. Your work is always cutting edge, right on the money and should be showcased in a gallery. You Rock!

[Paris Hyatt]

Hey GREGORY GABRIEL,

Check out the shit they say about your client here. You better go run off and try and scare them from exercising their right to free speech.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Paris_Hilton

http://www.herpeshilton.com/forum/index.php/board,4.0.html

[Holita]

CONGRATULATIONS ON PISSING PARIS OFF! Well done. Bravo! Bring the crabs back.

[La Angel]

I LOVE YOUR WORK FOURTEEN! I STAND BY YOU!

[brumble]

Posted by: Trixie | April 09, 2007 at 07:34 AM
WHERE DID THE CRABS GO?

Gregory Gabriel ate them.

[I SHUDDER TO THINK...]

WHERE DID THE CRABS GO?

[Trixie]

This truly is brilliant but what happened to the crabs that were emerging from her crotch?

[AC]

Where is the uncensored version?

[Sage]

Lilly, you're right...that looks nothing like Paris. Well, except for the slutty facial expression, wonky eye, unnaturally blue contacts, phallic nose, , tubular lips, opaquely bleached blonde hair, permanently fused neck posture, freakishly long humerus, trashy clothes, frequently exposed crotch(diseased of course), sagging buttocks and tranny-like feet...but other than that I see what you're getting at.
I'll have to disagree about us hating overwheight people...unless what you actually meant to type was 'drawing cartoons OF the over weight haters of the world' which I believe is a fair description of Paris and Nicole.
Finally, as to Dali and Picasso, if you were truly familiar with their lives, loves and works, you'd know they'd be some of 14's biggest fans.

[Jim Choma]

14 -- This is your piece de resistance. The nursing cub and your oil slick comment gave me quite a chuckle this morning.

Your best ever!

I hope Greasy Bear gets a look at it. I really do.

[mike]

Awesome, but two suggestions should you make a revision:

1) There's no way Paris's inner thighs are that toned.

2) Shouldn't the skeleton helping Nicole be El Chapacabra herself (sic), Rachel Zoe??

That said, awesome work! Her face is caricature at its finest.

[deanna]

there would be no porn industry if said nutjob was unleashed to infect the multitudes of porn star professionals with noted lesions de herpes and crabs de pubic pelo. since when did we collectively start hating on those folks who work in the porn industry? do you really wish this critter on the diligent porn star professional population? to insinuate that because this pariticual beast is dumb as dirt, would somehow serve to advance her ragedy into the professional porn industry due to unrefuted stupidity on her part, is quite an insult to those hardworking, dedicated individuals. and i do not believe the united porn stars for professional standards(upsfps) would allow paris to join their union. i often wonder if paris wasn't born into wealth what she would be doing with her life. then it came to me.... "paper or plastic", "would you like to supersize that", "did you say $5 on pump 4".

[Shalom Raviv (Kai)]

Speaking of paying money, 14, do you pay money to crazies to have them come to this site and generate backlash in the comments section? Because really, no person can hate 14 and come up with that random stuff on their own... right?

[skinnypuppi]

I laughed for the first time in a week. MORE!

Lilly! I thought I paid you hush money to keep your yap shut about the illicit affair between Bubba and I. Our bird-like love child will now forever overshadow what little talent I ever had. Thanks for ruining my career.

14

[14]

Brandon Davis ate them when no one was looking.

[Kamala]

Lilly, how DID you know that 14 "concived" a Paris-esque daughter with her brother? You must have uncovered those secret photos. The truth is out now, folks. No more hiding it, 14!! Come clean!

[14]

What crabs? Who said anything about crabs??

The nice litttle freshwater crabs that were formally crawling about the boat had to be removed because Paris Hilton's attorney threatened to sue me for defamation. I don't understand how such a stupid cartoon can defame Ms. Hilton any more than she's already defamed herself, but if silly cartoon crabs on a boat are going to ruin Paris's image, then by golly, they must be removed!!

What crabs? Who said anything about crabs?

[Asa Mamoru]

What happened to the crabs???

[JB SPRY]

A superlative effort! You've captured the essence of Paris. Her resemblance to "Alice the Goon" from the old Popeye cartoons is amazing. Keep up the good work!

[Lilly]

That looks nothing like Paris anyway, it looks like your daughter you concived whilst engaging in an illicit affair with your brother. It's just sad that someone who actually seems talented would waste their time drawing cartoons for the over weight haters of the world. I'm sure Dali and Picasso are simply turning in their grave at the waste of paper...ink...talent.

[Cypress]

YOU are a genius! Bravo!

[say]

This is so beautiful and accurate!

[Sage]

This masterpiece and a dialogue between demon kitty and Adam Smith...pure entertaintment. Thanks so much, *back to work with a smile on my face*

[Adam Smith]

I've checked myself and still managed to wreck myself,on numerous occasions.
I'll never learn.

[Sarah]

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself?

You can't think for yourself so you need to quote Ice T lyrics?

And to make things worse, you're unable to spell or use grammar correctly?

The technique of satire escapes the grasp of your MySpace addled brain. Go back and listen to your ipod while you text your peeps kid.

Have you ever thought tht these people are **people** too! They have feelings and emotion s just like everyone, ; evryone accept for YOU because your just mean and pick on peoples weakness spots.

You better check youreself before you wreck youreself!

Youre a sad sad person...

[Adam Smith]

One major thing wrong with your proposal there Demon Kitty.

Paris Hilton.

Deficient human.

Crap singer. Crap actress.Crap pornstar.

This is a woman who only has sex to get attention and favour from men.
Her real pleasure is in the shiny expensive trinkets that follow.
What the joyless rutting in both her porn vids indicated was a demented narcissism so complete that the only person she was aware was herself. In that moment of self awareness she realised that even being the jizz receptacle for an L.A sleazebag hustler,was something she could'nt pull off with any style or elan.It's pretty clear that this bothered her.

Having sex with L.A sleazebag hustlers is a basic requirement for all actresses working in the San Fernando Valley.They must be able to at least look,as if they might be having fun.Instead,she looked bored, distracted and discomforted and probably started humming the theme tune from "The Smurfs" in her head,to remind herself of happier times. Salomon's stolid, workmanlike,steady pounding, certainly did'nt help much.
It could have rocked any girl to sleep,to be fair.

I write this after having watched yet another documentary about bloody, Vivid videos.Small television production companies in England seem to make a documentary about them every three months or so,just in case you did'nt know who Jenna Jameson was.

The main star of this particular docu-soap was Brianna Banks, or "tits on a stick" as she is so charmingly known.This is a woman who has the theme tune from "The Smurfs" running through her head constantly,like aural wallpaper - day and night.
She is stunningly brainless.As pointless as debating on an internet forum,she probably has to let out the occasional fart to remind herself what way up she is. Despite her dismal low watt brainpower, she could simulate complete sexual extacy far better than Hilton ever could. Paris can't even compete in this arena I'm afraid.

Paris was meant to marry a rich alcoholic, twenty years her senior, to consolidate the family fortune,(by super rich standards the Hilton's aren't that wealthy).Instead she drifted into wider public consciousness by getting into the porn world by mistake.
Incompetence is her main skill after all.

The premise of the "Simple Life" is based on her and Nicole's complete lack of knowledge or skills,neither were trained for anything other than a good marriage to the right investment portfolio. Having her become a porn star would only mean, more bad porn,with Paris recieving the oxygen of publicity for even longer.This is a very bad idea.

What I worry about is who will replace her.
Probably someone so pampered they can't even wipe their own arse.

[gilmore]

This is priceless!

Bravo!

[licoricepirate]

love it !!!!!

[Demon Kitty]

If you are reading this Paris,

You have already slandered yourself in more ways than one. This image merely reflects the way you have lived and presented yourself in the public eye. We've seen your dripping cooter with its herpes lesions way too often. We've seen your tits. We've seen you sucking that nasty guy's cock and fucking him. We've seen you topless kissing "Eggplant dyke ass". We've seen your abortion records. We've seen your herpes prescription. The firecrotch ordeal. The video of you saying the "N" word and other racial epithets. We've seen pictures of you scratching your crotch. Was it the herpes that was itching or the crabs? We've seen you smoking dope. That is not even all of it. We've even seen your mother's tits. That picture of you on your stomach with your legs spread, finger pulling the thong aside to show your anus to the camera is forever tattooed on my brain Paris. You filmed yourself saying" I take it up the butt for coke." Regardless of how many high powered, high paid goons you call to arms, this will never be reversed. Embrace it Paris, embrace it! Fuck the lawsuits Paris, to hell with the lawyers! If you really want to redeem yourself, start making homemade porn flicks and sell them. Let Larry Flynt guide your career! That scene of you blowing that guy in the House of Wax was oscar material. It was soooo real!!! This is where your talent lies. We all know that you are a fucking skank whore. Stop trying to convince us you are not! Be honest with the public and cut the crap. We will respect you so much more. Everyone knows there is only one place for someone like you and that is the porn industry. You can come by the attention and fame honestly. We know you can't sing and act. Your crotch always seems to find itself in front of a paparazzo's camera. Your porn movies could also be on every television in a Hilton Hotel!!!

[Adam Smith]

Not much to say about Nicole.Other than the fact she's the only ex heroin addict that actually looks worse after giving up.
The poor thing.

What was the stuff she took cut with?
Full fat cream?

[deanna]

Shouldn't Paris have had plastic surgery on those toes as of recent? My word her feet are manlike; reminds of the old time tranny hookers that use to wear down the sidewalks in their ill-fitted stilletos,ragged red toe nails, corns and all. The male supermodel with the highly sought after highly defined euroslavic cheek bones are priceless. Is that halle B's man? Did you really HAVE to add the hairy armpits? For the love of pubic lice and super strength valtrex.

There are some things in life which are just offensive.

Things like, war crimes;increasing economic inequality;greater military expenditure;Fox News and all the unreconstructed Nazis that appear on it;every project that P-diddy is even remotely involved in; woefully unfunny "films" like "Epic Movie"; mobile phones, that are more like mission control centres than phones; mobile phones in general; that Louis Vuitton bag,tons of vile dispiriting stuff that just saps the will to live, this list could go on for a very long time...

All in all,taken as whole, none of these things are as offensive or crush my belief in humanity more effectively than Brandon Davis' Face, Brandon Davis' voice,Brandon Davis' walk, Brandon Davis' clothes,Brandon Davis' existence and how he came about, Brandon Davis as a concept (fucking why?), just Brandon Davis - and his wanker brother.

If you have'nt guessed yet,I really don't like him. He's evolution's biggest,most terrible mistake,even worse than "Saved By The Bell's " writing team.
If I was'nt convinced,beyond a shadow of
a doubt,that Paris Hilton was infact the Antichrist,that smirking buffoon would be next in line as chief suspect for everything bad in the world.
This would include things that happened even before he was born.

Imagine a cross between a Dead Elvis impersonator, David Guest and a spit roasted pig, and you still won't even come close to this foul piece of wasted sexual effluvia. He's like unfunny Italian American wannabe, Andrew Dice Clay, covered in the slightly watery spunk of a thousand oil executives.

An army of mentally challenged Gibbons work round the clock, to provide him with the "comic" material, that guffs from his stupid fucking face, which in his warped miguided mind appear to be witty bon-mots along the lines of Oscar Wilde.
When he did his infamous Firecrotch skit, you could see that in Brandon world he was punching it out like Steve Martin, Robin Williams and Richard Pryor at their peak. Instead, to all sane people, he just looked like a Coked up bully. Why somebody did'nt just run over and kick him hard in the balls, then continue by giving him a thorough beating, as he rolled around on the floor,is a mystery to me.

If there was a place called Stupid Prick-Land, his worthless visage would be on every piece of currency there.
He'd also be King, Prime Minister, President, and Chief commander of all their forces. The population would consist entirely of pneumatic pornstars;Hefner rejects who could'nt get into that inner circle jerk and numerous grades of hooker. Once he ran out of money ,to pay for sexual services,he would be deposed with an unceremonious guillotining to round off the festivities.
The Crudsack.

Comparing him to a bear is just unfair to bears. Imagining him being savaged by bears is just harmless fun.

All in all, he's just wrong.

[Elizebeth]

The cubs suckling at Brandon Davis is pure genious!
I love me some 14!

[Bohemian Chick]

"14 keep carrying on in the grand satirial tradition of Johnathan Swift and of course MAD MAGAZINE!!!
You funny heffa, are you Mort Druckers (MM's top cover artist) long lost granddaughter?

The cubs sucking the tit is beyond funny.

Posted by: Bohemian Chick | April 05, 2007 at 02:32 PM "

"thank you!! It made me laugh while I sketched it, so I'm glad the laughter passed on to you.

Oh and yes, Mort Drucker is my Art God. Drew Friedman too.

xoxo
14

Posted by: 14 | April 05, 2007 at 02:52 PM "

Dear 14 aka "Goddess of Satircal Cartoons" (my original quote thankyouverymuch!) yes I can see the Drew Friedman influence in your exquiste perverse details, that's why this piece is gonna bring you superstardom & a gazillion bucks!

Next, do a unbeweaveable Beyonce and Jay Z cartoon!

I wrote all that stuff about Paris.
But I think Lindsay Lohan summed her up more succinctly and eloquently than even I could.

Go here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y2Oy8QOoIvA

After that I'm beginning to quite like that girl.

[Adam Smith]

Who actually likes Paris Hilton?

Everyday,I look through the comments sections on blogs like this, all over the
Interweb and it appears that she is completely,universally, reviled.

You'd think she ate babies in between wiping out endangered species,or something. If you lined up Pol Pot,Ted Bundy,George Bush and Miss Hilton, and left it to a public vote over who was catapulted into a huge vat full of Sulphuric acid and radioactive waste, inhabited by genetically engineered mutant killer cockroaches, poor Paris would always draw the short straw.

Imagine how she feels in the morning, (well afternoon,she hasn't seen the morning since she was twelve),knowing that millions of people Worldwide have done their best to denigrate her person and character.
The internet must be a nightmare for her, like being the least popular kid in school,knowing that all the neighbouring school's all hate you too.
She probably glumly eat's her single grape, that will sustain her until the cycle of binging and puking begins, cries a little, then put's on her game-face and says "fuck you all".

Don't get me wrong,I don't luurve her or anything.On this blog I descibed her as a "nauseating little bobble head with the erotic appeal of a moose drowning in a tarpit".
On another I wrote, that while I generally agreed with the feminist position that violence against women is wrong and enforces patriarchy, in her case I could make an exception.Namely,"whacking her stupid twatty face with a large
frying pan-repeatedly",(it looks like 14 beat me to it on that one).
My worst offence against her was describing her on another blog as a
"Rich Man's spunk-bucket".
Actually, I felt quite bad about that one, it still got posted all the same. I sat there laughing at my own cruel wit while feeling like a real bastard for writing that about anybody.

The fact that I have repeated these slanders means that I really could'nt give an armadillo's cock about her,the majority of people appear to feel the same way. When viewed from that perspective, is there any real reason for her to be a more noble and better person?
She makes millions by acting like a special needs sadcase combined with a whingeing spoilt brat.
So much money,that her sofa probably contains at least $200,000 in spare change, at any one time. There are probably fistfights between the maids over who gets to clean the living room, and win the spare change jackpot.

While we're sitting here yapping like Howler Monkeys about what a completely idiotic diddle brain she is,she's becoming more famous, more talked about and more obscenely rich.Paris does'nt care about what us poverty stricken jizzwads think anyway.She gazes out of the tinted windows of her two hundred and fifty grand Bentley, driving by, thinking, "Losers.Your slack jawed watching of my mirthless antics paid for this."
The fucking mad bitch.

[WTF]

Any picture with Greasy Bear is a great picture!!!

[Becca]

Oh! Paris's face looks like a gob of dough after it's been punched in! This is SO funny!XD

You are a true, if not always nice genius, 14 and I am learning from you as well as your stellar art talents! (Thumbs Up!)

[weffie]

Oh, thank you!

[jake]

A masterpiece!! This should be on billboards all along Sunset!!!

[Candice]

Some people have The Mona Lisa. Some people have Water Lillies. I have this.

Thank you, 14.

[tom]

Brilliant. That Paris Hilton face is going to haunt me forever. You are soo good.

[Pikachelsea]

This is one of the single most fantastic things I have ever seen. omfg. Paris's "face" just made me die laughing. I will love you forever, 14.

[Julie]

OMG! Best one yet!

[Rita]

Genius! You should totally be the creative executive in chef for whoever is doing the advertising for the show. This is such a beautiful piece of art that portraits them so well. Love it!

[kaiserin]

Oh my GOD, I just noticed your Vuitton trash bag in the pic....BRILLIANT! The more you look, the more details you see. Amazing, you are truly amazing! Please keep it up, we want more!