Lohan Boa Constrictor Swallows Sambora Mouse Whole

Once upon a time, there lived a lonely boa constrictor out in the middle of a Utah rehabilitation facility. This lusty little snake was starved for fresh meat and seething with insatiable desire. One day, a dazed, middle-aged mouse was brought to the rehab facilty. The hungry freckled snake spotted the paunchy old mouse and began to salivate with ardent desire. "Fresh meat, fresh meat, now I shall eat!" exclaimed the nubile reptile, and then she carefully slithered toward the hapless lumpy mouse, wrapped her lusty young body around him, and slowly began to devour the endomorphic rodent. The mouse seemed to enjoy himself even though he knew he was in mortal danger. The end. This dark fairy tale was inspired by Michael K's update about Richie Sambora entering the same rehab facility as the one Lindsay Lohan is currently staying. MK wrote, "I can see her now, slithering into his room like a freckled boa constrictor. She'll take a hold of his mouse and won't let go until she's swallowed it whole. He doesn't have a chance in hell." How could I not illustrate that? Medium: Gouache on vellum. Much thanks to Moonmaid and Filmwatcher2002.

Comments

[nno-celebs]

Nice moobies, Richie...WTF happened?

[valorious]

I've been enjoying your art for quite awhile. What prompted me to write you is: this comment by MK prompted me to write him!!! The image of HoHan slithering into Sambora's room made me laugh so hard I had to write MK and let him know(and he wrote me back, happy happy joy joy!) Then I go to check out your art as I do every day & you too were so MOVED you created just the image I had in my mind. Thank you for sharing your creative talents; someday maybe I too will be able to unleash my inner artist.

[Adam Smith]

Viper Tetsu Wrote:

Am I the only crank who thinks Sambora is a poof-metal poseur hack richly deserving of this tasty and succulent skewering?

No.

(This is my new minimalist style by the way)

[14]

Hi Gorilla at Large,

I'm not a fan of Lindsay Lohan, but I am a fan of what others say about her when engaging in the narrative of gossip. My intent for GOTA is to illustrate images inspired by the social commentary generated by celebrity gossip. It doesn't matter to me whether it's Perez Hilton or MK of Dlisted or TMZ or US Magazine or even an anonymous commentor posting on some obscure gossip blog. To boil it down, my interest here is to observe what people are saying and then illustrate the stories. It's YOU I find entertaining, not Lindsay Lohan.

thanks for your comments. Positive or negative, they're always welcome.

xoxo
14

[just wonderin]

Dear Demon Kitty,
Thank you for suggesting that Madonna go to jail! But, in my opinion she is such a cunt she should go UNDER the jail! And she should take Ann Coulter, Imus, Clay Aiken and Tyra Banks, if her enormous head would fit! I'm forgetting someone....

[Viper Tetsu]

Am I the only crank who thinks Sambora is a poof-metal poseur hack richly deserving of this tasty and succulent skewering? Hope not. Bon Jovi is further proof that if even the most rank musical turd is allowed to sit out in public for 20 years or more, it'll automatically acquire the label of Respectable Elder Statesmanship.

As for the Lohan-being-negatively-painted notion, what I sees is a clear demonstration of the GOTA manifesto: The Gossip is being painted, not the girl. And it's really fucking funny.

[midevil]

Demon Kitty,

Well, perhaps there are also the 5 year crises. I think that's what I have-or maybe it's just burnout (from what, I'm not sure, but I'll get back to you on that when I figure it out).

Jail! 14 needs to do a pic depicting all the chicks in jail! Let's see it!

*waits*

By the by, 14, I see the latest Bitch has a bit of a review on you as part of its must-read Bitch list. WTF took them so long?

[Gorilla_At_Large]

14, this is your first unflattering portrait of Lohan. I always took you for a closet fan.

I think, if I am allowed to gripe a bit, that this painting more accurately describes what will happen to Marilyn Manson in the jaws of his snake-eyed fille fatale, Evan Rachel Wood.

Lohan is too far gone to really hurt anybody but herself. She's an abused child prostitute who just happens to be 21. She's no reptile. She is the very opposite of cold-blooded. Sambora will bone her once and walk away just the same as he came in. That's my impression anyway.

Michael K has a well-known anti-Lohan and anti-vagina prejudice, please draw from your own observation from now on! You were more accurate before with the party panda, and Alice in Wonderland, and Poshopolis.

[Demon Kitty]

Dear Midevil,

I think they are starting to call those midlife crises that occur in your 20s "quarterly life crises". I have had 2 already. I can't imagine what a 3rd would be like since during both quarterly life crises, I just wanted to take an M16 to work and unload it in my bosses' faces and then finish off my annoying coworkers. Sometimes, I wish I could live like a hermit during medieval times. The nuns would bring me "whatever the fuck". Oh fuck it! Let's look at the drawing! 14, I am fucking amazed the way you can make celebrity bodies look like a dick and balls. He really looks like a dick with tits in this picture. Lindsey Lohan is vile. You always make Britney look like a dick with balls. I hope Shitney goes to jail. Can you imagine? I hope Lindsey Hohan goes too! All these bitches going to jail. I want Anna Wintour to go to jail! I want all these Hollywood cunts to go to jail!!! Star Jones needs to go to jail. Madonna! Fucking Madonna needs to go to jail.

[scungilli]

gonna have to stop coming here. i'm officially addicted. it's interfering with my work. it's seriously integrated into my personal life--what's left of it. i become anxious when a new piece is not added every 10 minutes. 14 = n for narcotic ... i love you though you're destroying me ... (guess i need to take personal responsibility) ... time to start offering tee-shirts, ms. 14 ...

[Noelegy]

AW CRAP he looks so much like my first boyfriend I'm getting serious flashback angst here (I was young and dumb, OK?). And she reminds me very much of the animated portions of "The Wall" (yes, I know, I already referenced it in the Geldof post) and the carnivorous wife/flower/snake thing.

14, your work has got some powerful mojo indeed; it always inspires a visceral reaction.

[14Rules]

Yay! I just about peed my pants when I read that MK statement yesterday. Your rendering is the frothy icing on the cake!

[coffeegod]

You continue to amaze me. I don't post often but I do check in several times a week. Please continue with the flawless work. I always enjoy it.

[Eize]

Somebody call a Parseltongue! The Lohadder is on the loose! XD

[Adam Smith]

Fourteen,AKA,Quantum Terrapin Wrote:

Well Adam, I didn't say he wouldn't like it. I just hope the saucy little vixen can get her freckled mouth around his mid-section without injuring herself.

So your concern is merely with the practicalities of such a manoeuvre?

An interesting position.

Implicit in your suggestion,is the propositon is that Lindsay Lohan can attempt to engulf an ageing Rockstar's torso in her mouth.

Such a prodigious talent would make her very popular.Very popular indeed.

Freckles would'nt represent any impidiment in her ascent to the top.

Socially and financially upwards,spiritually and existentially downwards.

[14]

Well Adam, I didn't say he wouldn't like it. I just hope the saucy little vixen can get her freckled mouth around his mid-section without injuring herself.

[Chansmom]

Gah! Help me! LOL! Love it and the details of the Sambora rodent, very nice!

[Crees_dahl]

The combination of your wit with that of MK is truly a work of art. I nearly peed my pants when he described Oscar Dela Hoya as a "pretty princess"

You are genius as always!!!

[Adam Smith]

Thanks for alerting us all,to every 48 year old man's worst nightmare.
Being "swallowed whole" by a woman less than half his age.

The sheer horror of this ordeal must have him piddling in his little posing pouch like a nervous spaniel.Hiding under his duvet,terrified,(like that's gonna protect him).

The poor innocent deluded fool.

Let's all hope that she doesn't abuse him too roughly.

It's not like he's been with hundreds of groupies,or indulged in scandalous unsanctified behaviour before...

[D.J.]

Now here's an interesting twist. What if Britney FINALLY decides to check into rehab and it coincidentally happens to be the same one that Linds and Richie are in? Maybe Brit and Linds will end up finishing each other off in a big cat fight over the dashing Mr.Sambora. One can only hope....

[Caitlin]

I quite like how...phallic he looks in your interpratation. A bit like the infamous 'foreskin mouse'.

[Nanners]

I love it when you and Michael K collaborate. Viva 14!

[midevil]

Dear Sandy,

Mid life crises usually start at about 25 these days--oh, wait, LiLo not 22 yet--right, carry on!

[midevil]

Maybe it'll give him a workout, so like, maybe, all the sex will do his body some good. It might just whip him into shape. Now, I'm not trying to say that Locklear or Sheen's chick aren't sexual, just, well, maybe they don't have the mad drive for it that LiLo does.

[just wonderin]

I love fairy tales and this one is luscious! Poor mouse! He so badly wants to be Keith Richards, all dangerous and stuff, yet you've showed him as he really is. But worse, now Denise Richards is gonna start trolling Rehabs for "Hotties" maybe Ozzie Osbourne is available.

[sugarbear]

I feel he hasn't much time left he should be in our prayers. After she's done with him he'll never be the same again. She's a man-eater :D Great work as always!

[seyourbivigou]

That MK, sure has a way of making the shenanigans of celebrity's pop in the most expressive ways. He's like a 21st Century Dickens. And your visuals do his words justice. maybe you two should go into business, making sort of picture books about celebrities. MK writes the words you draw the pictures, I get 10% (for suggesting it).

[Sandy]

OMG! This is brilliant! What the hell has happened to Richie lately? Talk about going through a mid-life crisis. Lohan, on the other hand, is going to be lucky to reach mid-life.

[Nona]

14, have been viewing your page for a LONG LONG TIME and i must say, i was AWAITING the whole Sambora/Lohan possibility.

It's just TOO easy, no?

=) (LOLing big time!)

[moonmaid]

It's always in your hilarious details, 14 - the Lohan arched brow, Sambora hairy bellybutton and neck rolls, and those inimitable man-boobs, complete with sunburned mouse-pink, zero muscle tone flesh - I am speechless!!

Another great job and thanks for the shoutout -

[nina]

L M F A O!! at that story.....

[Ani]

Yay! I was hoping you would make a painting of that reference! Brilliant, as always :-D

[bigs]

straight, straight.