I'm Sick of Celebrity Fragrances and I'm Not Going To Take it Anymore, Part 3

A $250 million contract with the LA Galaxy isn't enough cash for David Beckham. I can just hear Posh griping at him, "But dahling, you don't understand...I need a different Hermes bag for every outfit I wear! You wouldn't want me being seen carrying the same bloody old $12,000 bag for two days in row now would you dear?" Industry experts predict the Beckham fragrance franchise will generate $100 million in sales this year. I was especially intrigued by Instinct, Beck's fragrance for men. A dark, mysterious image of Beckham appears in the print ad. He stares deep into your eyes with his icy come-hither gaze while holding a ring that looks like it came from the International Male catalog. I think the ad would have been more inviting had they used a real photo of Becks - perhaps this would have been a better fit. The Beckham Fragrances website makes a laughable attempt to distinguish Instict from all the other celebrity fragrances crowding the market. Instead of focusing on the scent, they tout the bottle: ...engraved within the carefully proportioned flacon's base is a sparkling "diamond"; a discreet reminder of Beckham's sophisticated personal style. What?!?! A fake "diamond" on the made-in-China "flacon" represents "style"? ha haaaaaaaa! It gets better: The innovative metallic cap brings a surprising twist and sense of modernity to this fragrance... I wasn't going to buy it, but I'm sold now that I've learned the cap is so innovative and...metallic. Medium: acrylic on board, digital color/text. Photo of in-process painting here. SOLD

Comments

[Demon Kitty]

Thank you Viper. This comforts me when I have to start prepping for accounting and that oncoming economics test from hell.

I despise Beckham's English accent. It is nasty. It reminds me of living in Europe, hanging out at a bar, and watching a bunch of English guys get drunk in order to warm up before beating the shit out of the locals, looking for curry, and eventually eating beans.

[Viper Tetsu]

Demon Kitty, please tell me when you are taking your stand-up comic act on the road--Seriously. I'd be there with bells on, and a doofy shower-cap thingy on my head just like Becks. Honest-to-God, you've got me in full uncontrolled snort mode.

That li'l monologue was so good, it almost distracted me from singing the brilliance of this piece. There's something sublimely, magnificently MAD magazine about this, specifically his daffy eyes.

Note to media and the world at large: Just 'cause he's got an English accent doesn't make him any more sophisticated than any grunting thick-necked stateside jock.

[Gorilla_At_Large]

14, your plans for the site sound really awesome. Conspiracy theories are always good as long as they are correct, not just politically correct. If at all possible it will be good to see you going after the media itself, the big shark, instead of just its sad little leeches. Of course it is hard to attack such a faceless, Oz-like entity with any comedic success.

I think the "love to hate" celeb cycle is coming to an end, anyway, and something else is on the horizon. I won't say what it is because I want to cash in on it first. Ha ha. But you are an astute observer and I'm sure you'll always be one step ahead, like a Donald Trump who trades in creativity instead of stocks.

I'll call in my people ( angels with flaming swords ) to keep Puff Lippy at bay. Genius must not be impeded by mouth-breathing ass clowns, as I think you once described him. That guy would kill his granny if she said his breath was stank. And you KNOW it's stank.

[Demon Kitty]

What could Diddy do to 14? It not like she said he has CRABS.

I came up with a more complete picture of the Cruise, Smith, Becks, thang. One day Tom Cruise said, "I want to fuck David Beckham." He then jumped on his couch and pumped his fists. He then decided to pay the LA Galaxy to hire Beckham. Then he was confronted with the dilemma of hurting fuck buddy WS's feelings. So he asked him to join in. Becks and beard (AKA Posh) arrive in the States. Becks hurts his leg while participating in the male dick to lower intestine connection and he can't play. He received the injury from WS, that's why no Thank You note was sent for the gratuitous present from the Smith's. Allowing Diddy to plow him with Crystal helps.

[Noelegy]

Regarding the near-poetic description of the bottle: somewhere there is an ad writer, and I can guarantee he or she has a bad habit of some sort (alcohol, tobacco, drugs, daytime TV), sitting there in despair, thinking, "I was going to BE somebody..."

It's a square bottle. With a cylindrical shiny lid. Let us not gild the lily.

Becks either looks demonically possessed or in the "vinegar strokes" stage. Would you buy cologne from this man? If you were a professional soccer player, would you take him seriously at all?

Brilliant work as always, 14.

[Susu]

For a sec I thought that was one of the Baldwins.

I needs me some more coffee as I imagine a Baldwin duking it out with a Beckham over the 'preshush' LOTR ring.

Thanks for the giggles!

[14]

Hi Jenner,

No, it doesn't bother me that people think I'm a guy. People have been telling me for years that my work likes like it was done by a male. I've never understood why, but I just laugh it off.

14

[Fernando]

Your works are always great and visiting your site is a moment of real pleasure!Go on,darling!

[Smile Pretty]

I really love seeing a man, who's not only drunk but wearing a cap that looks more like a wool towel wrap. As for Victoria's little heads, it looks as if you would have added one more(an I Stink for kiddies) it would be the 3 little pigs LOL

Great Work.

[deanna1104]

poof doodle!! lol. you mean puff diddles? or puffie doodies? none the less i am sooooooooo excited i will have such a wide array of people i can choose to smell like or choose for people i don't like much to smell of. surely this new sophisticated toxic skunk oil the becks are pushing will be a real crowd pleaser back home.
so far as the becks and the smiths, i must agree dk, cruise will be drawn into this predictable war of words. how dare the becks not send a meaningless thank you card to show faux gratitude for a meaningless gift? that deserves an LA ding dang yall

[Jenn F.]

Heehee. Looks like a diaper on his head.

[jenner]

Does it ever get to you that people keep thinking you're a guy? Just curious.

Anyway as much as I'd throw myself at Becks' feet & be his very willing sex slave, it's always fun to see the mighty get roasted on your site. Genius as always. :D

[14]

Oh you folks are too kind - thank you!

Thorne: Other than Paris, I've not had any complaints from anyone I've drawn here on GOTA. However, a friend in "the biz" just warned me yesterday that Poof Doodles might get pisssed and "come after me". It is my opinion that I'm HELPING him more than hurting him. Self importance and excessive ego are very destructive to human beings, so I'm just giving The Diddy a little poke as a friendly reminder. Some day he'll thank me. heh.

xoxo
14

[midevil]

Demon Kitty,

Ok, I could handle seeing Will Smith and Becks go at it, but did you really have to throw Cruise into the picture?

*projectile vomits on your shoe*

[Thorne Smith]

14 -- I pray to almighty Jeebus (as Homer Simpson would say) that these celebutards you skewer see your work. It's frigging brilliant. I'm especially referring to those oxygen wasters, the Beckhams.

Just out of curiousity, other than Paris's lawyer, have any other bottom feeders come forward with complaints?

You are the tonic to my day!

[tutui]

oh god, the added commentary you write is the best.

You are a hero, sir.

[sugarbear]

Perfect! Please tell me you are going to do Mariah? And don't forget Brit Brit. There are so many more I'm forgetting that are smelling the world up right now. :D

[gilmore]

It has taken about five hours for me to catch my breath from laughing. Now that I'm done with the giggles I can appreciate your craftman(woman)ship. Aside from the humorous part, the actual painting is really beautiful. You're quite talented 14.

[Pablo Vazquez]

Excellent¡¡

[Demon Kitty]

Once upon a brief, brief motherfucking nanosecond I kinda dug Posh. Ok, for a second I was attracted to her. Then I heard about how rude she is to the help .... fuck her and that heinous silicon pair of tits which look like two far apart baseballs shoved under her skin.

In Ted Casablanca's column, he states that Jada and Will sent a huge ass present to the offspring of Posh and Becks for its birthday. They were floored when they did not get a "thank you" from the Beckham's.

Because they both hang out with Tom Cruise, not to mention the rumors circulating Jada being a dyke, I suspect that Will and Becks call Tom, roll out a large plastic sheet on the floor, grease themselves down, and make a three man chain from dick to lower intestine. The fact that Posh looks like a boy these days adds to my theory. What really fucking confirmed that theory is my clicking on 14's link to the Beckham perfume site. The faux diamond being a discreet reminder or Mr. Beckham's SOPHISTICATED PERSONAL STYLE????????????????????????????? WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A MAN WHO SPORTED A PONY TAIL MULLET SHAVED NASTY ASS HAIRDO, A MAN WHO NAMED IS CHILDREN BROOKLYN AND ROMEO. A MAN WHO SAT ON A FAKE THRONE NEXT TO HIS WIFE WHO ALSO SAT ON A FAKE THRONE FOR HIS WEDDING? Jesus Penis!!!! I suppose these days sophistication is defined by flashing your cooter to the planet. Anyway, the fact that Becks married Posh confirms he is gay. Elton John and Karl Lagerfeld love her and they are both queens.

I like the way you made Posh's nose look like a pig's. I still still never recover from that whore/ chauffeur /bathing suit Lagerfeld told her to wear. What the fuck is that man's obsession with chauffeur gloves anyway? Who the fuck is buying these goddamn celebrity fragrances???? Anyway ..... strange how all these celebrity fragrances came out all at once.

[ignacio]

man.. I just WORSHIP you... full of creativity... i love your site

keep on

amazin work.

from latin america.

[just wonderin]

Is that a pair of panties on his head or is it a designer tin foil hat device that Pish uses to keep him believing that she is human? (we don't believe it why should he?)

[Knox Bronson]

He should market his own BallSweat fragrance ... jeez, Perez would be pumping that every day.

as always, 14, spot on ... istink ... hilarious ... you are a bright spot in the day.

keep popping those balloons. or are they bubbles?

[midevil]

By gawd, you just can't take him anywhere, can you? He must be good during rutting season. I mean, wow, why do I keep treating this guy like a sex object? Is he still married?

[Tess]

Please stop, 14. It's just too dangerous to look at your blog in my office anymore. I end up cackling like a lunatic at your very on point snark.

This is brilliant, as is your commentary. The innovative cap may have sold you but the "carefully proportioned flacon" is just sucking me right in.

Oh, and why no painting of Posh as Big Bird? It just gets easier when these celebs seem to have taken leave of all common sense.

[kdl]

love love love when you link to your inspiration...also love PishPosh's pug.

perhaps the cologne spray could be one of her hard-as-bullet nipples?

don't understand why they don't give up marketing these anglobots to us regular folk.