Gallery of the Absurd

Cisco Adler's Christmas Balls Aren't Selling

Adding to our list of the Worst Celebrity Endorsed Gift Items of the Season are these festive holiday tree ornaments. Cisco Adler (who? I know, I didn't know who he was either) gained notoriety the Hollywood way when a nude photograph of him and his, ahem...certain pendulous body parts were posted all over the internet. As every scandal-torn celeb knows, cashing in on your notoriety will only make you more famous - especially if nudity is involved. I have to hand it to him, the Christmas balls were a good idea..however, people found them too heavy. Who wants tree ornaments that drag on the floor? Not me. Medium: graphite and ink on paper, digital color, and a wily imp.

The Richie SamborBRA: Because Groupies Aren't The Only Things Hanging Around

The Richie SamborBRA begins our list of the Worst Celebrity Endorsed Gift Items of the Season. Fed up with being taunted for his "man boobs" when photographed carousing topless on the beach with Denise Richards, Richie Sambora went to work creating a masculine mammary support system for men who suffer from gynecomastia, or simply for those seeking a little more sleek support for their gravitationally-challenged physique. Shipped from China last summer, the SamborBRAs gathered dust as they sat unpurchased on store shelves across the country. Oh well, Richie Sambora now has his own lifetime supply and might be able to sell a few here and there off eBay. medium: photo composite, collaboration with partner in crime.

Celebrity Family Photo Christmas Cards: The Lohans

What do you know, I received another celebrity greeting card today and this time it's from the Lohans. Dina likes to party with her kids, so she arranged for a 2:00 am photo shoot inside Ali's favorite LA nightclub last Wednesday. Don't they look cute? Apparently, the kids' ex-jailbird father showed up and refused to leave. There was a mild squirmish when Dina screamed at him to get out of the photos, "You aren't even dressed properly! And for the love of God, why are you wearing mom jeans!?!?" Michael shot back, "Don't you dare use the Lord's name in vain, heathen woman! Hey wait, is that US Weekly? Hey, over here, over here - I'd like to talk to the press about Lindsay!" Michael wandered off to track down more paparazzi, but unfortunately for the rest of the Lohan family, he still ended up in their Christmas photo. And yes, Dina enclosed a Dina family update in the letter and you may read it here. Adequite Christmas everyone! If you're looking for a classy holiday card from Britney Spears, you'll find it here. If you'd like to see the greatest Christmas movie ever, watch this clip from Santa Claus, a 1959 Mexican motion picture extravaganza. Santa lives in a castle floating in outer space and devils are out to get him.

Celebrity Family Photo Christmas Cards: The Simpsons

I always look forward to the steady stream of photo Christmas cards landing in my mailbox this time of year. It's nice to see how the kids have grown, and everyone is wearing their holiday best while gathered 'round the warm glow of the Christmas tree. Even more exciting is the enclosed form letter detailing the year's triumphs and tragedies: Cousin Stevie graduated high school with honors, Uncle Gene had hernia surgery, and crazy old Aunt Margaret sunk all her savings into an emu farm. Imagine my surprise when this afternoon, I received this festive photo Christmas card from "Creepy" Joe Simpson and family! Of course, the first thing I did was scan it so I could post it and share with my readers.

This was the enclosed form letter accompanying the Christmas card, but I tore it up without thinking and only have these last little scraps to show you. No worries, the entire 2007 Simpson family update can be read in full here. Medium: digital composite. Idea was collaborated upon while enjoying a deceptive bottle of premium sake with Candy at a boisterous sushi bar. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Victoria Elfham: Guardian of the Great White Bulge

The Posh Elf is a tiny unsmiling creature who can often be spotted vehemently guarding the Great White Bulge of the Beckham mountain range. Similar to the torrid geological structure underlying Yellowstone National Park, the Great White Bulge is located on unstable ground prone to rise and harden in between short periods of flaccid dormancy. Posh Elf sinks her sharply spiked elf boots into the smooth firm soil atop the Great White Bulge to prevent it from rising whenever another elf wanders too close. Although the Posh Elf has a strict policy of never sharing The Bulge with others, she does invite eager photographers to swing by and take photos of the awe-inspiring natural phenomenon. She delights in dangling it in front of others while boasting and braying about its large size, "it's a huge one...it's like a tractor exhaust pipe." The Great White Bulge isn't as faithful as Yellowstone's famous geyser, and this causes the Posh Elf to devote even more vigilance toward her guarding duties. medium: graphite on paper, digital color.

Tom Cruise Visits The Mall Santa

Only Gallery of the Absurd has this exclusive photo of Tom Cruise's childhood visit with Santa. Smuggled to us by an anonymous source, this photo captures a happy little Tom sitting on jolly old Santa's lap during a childhood visit to the Xenu Gardens Intergalactic Super Mall located on planet Xordu back in 1972. Medium: digital composite. Much thanks to Cpt. Willy for allowing me to "touch up" his son's Santa photo

Celebrity Elves: The Olsen Twins

It's time to debut my 2007 Holiday Greeting Card Collection: Celebrity Elves. The Olsen Twin elves are at times, adorable little imps with large lemur-like eyes and messy tangled hair. Draping themselves in blankets, shawls and furs, they are often spotted teetering about the streets of NY wearing impossible shoes and carrying expensive bags twice their size. Most of the time they look harmless, but occasionally you'll catch a photo of them that sends chills down your spine. An icy glare, an unsmiling face, bright, yet empty eyes. If I was riding my bike down a creepy hotel corridor, say The Overlook from The Shining for example, and the twins suddenly appeared in front of me, I'd become gripped by fear.

When Conspiracy Theory and Celebrity Gossip Collide

Is Jay-Z popping champagne and colluding with the Devil? Some folks are convinced he is. Rumors persist that the world's richest rap mogul is part of the secret cult of the Illuminati. Conspiracy theorists describe the Illuminati as an elite cabal of international bankers and industrialists who secretly rule the world while worshiping Lucifer in their dark quest to control our minds. Could Jay-Z have named Rock-a-Fella records after the Rockefellers, one of the major bloodlines of the Illuminati? Hmmm. What about all the secret Illuminati hand gestures Jay-Z flashes in concerts and videos? Even churches are jumping on the bandwagon. In this video, a preacher is shown playing one of Jay-Z's songs backwards during a sermon. His flock looks less than convinced even though Jay-Z can be heard uttering the subliminal satanic message "666 murder murder Jesus". Do any of these rumors hurt Jay-Z's profits? Nope. He just keeps right on popping that champagne and living the good life. Medium: oil on board, photoshop. painting is unfinished.

Look At Those Wrinkles!

click to enlarge

I know gossip reporting is not typically rooted in kindness and compassion - and without tabloids and blogger gossip, I wouldn't have much subject matter to inspire my illustrations and parodies here on GOTA. That being said, Holy Candy and I decided it was high time to collaborate on a Daily Mail parody. The UK's second largest daily newspaper, the Daily Mail has increasingly turned their focus toward conjuring up fear and disgust over the natural process of ageing. Unfortunately, this fear is focused mainly on women. Ageing men featured in the newspaper are fawned over, celebrated, and praised for looking so "natural". Women, on the other hand, are scorned for having veiny hands, wrinkles, cellulite and jowls. Often, a zoomed-in photo of the guilty body part is featured and Photoshop-enhanced to make it look even worse.

Holy Candy and I decided to see what would happen if Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, was placed under the same scrutiny as the female subjects featured in his newspaper. Just look at his deeply etched crow's feet. The marches of time have not been kind to his age-ravaged face. His veiny hands and pendulous pot belly reveal his true age, and his thinning wisps of grey hair and crooked yellow teeth are sure signs that Father Time is gaining on him. You would think with all that money he makes off bashing older women, he'd be able to afford hair replacement, botox, dental work, and liposuction. medium: photoshop. graphic assembled by 14, text written by Candy Kirby.

The Female Body Proportion Guide Has Been Updated

I came across a metafilter post yesterday with helpful links on How To Draw a Female in Proportion. Included were links to divine proportion, idealized proportion, and the most interesting, historic proportion. The above image came from Adolphe Armand Braun's Hieroglyphic or Greek Method of Life Drawing, published in 1916. If this woman was a celebrity, she'd run the high risk of being called fat by today's media-influenced standards. Curvy hips are a big no no....and A-cups? Forget it.

Now this is more like it. Today's women should have giant bobble heads perched atop a tiny stick figure body showing no discernable curves except for the giant floatation devices attached to her upper torso. Additionally, her lips should be bloated and distorted to appear as a duck bill, while the nose is whittled down to a perky speck on her smooth, wrinkle-free face. Teeth are veneered and polished to a blinding white, and with the exception of the eyebrows, lashes and mane, all hair has been stripped from the body. Bones such as the clavicle and rib cage are often seen protruding through the flesh and is considered appealing. There you have it, the updated 21st century guide to female proportion. medium: ink on paper, photoshop.Thanks Knox.