What Must The Angry Claymate Think Now?

I get my fair share of hate mail, but the most vile is sent to me by the species of fan known as the Brangeloonie or the Claymate. I find them quite amusing because I picture what they must look like hunched over their keyboard, reddened with anger, frothing at the mouth while banging on the caps lock key. Below is my favorite hate mail ever. It was sent by "Donna", a Claymate who took great offense at my Clay Aiken trinket because it put me "in the ranks of the entire gay community."

If your intent was to demonstrate some 'slap-stick' type of humour at the expense of Clay Aiken and Clay's fans, you blew it, IMHO. You have now put yourself in the ranks of Perez Hilton, John Paulus, the National Enquirer ..and, that 'dlister' of infamy, Kathy Griffin...as well as the entire gay community. Congratulations. Not bad for a representative of the New York Times [huh?] I'm sure your paper is happy to share this exciting image with those wondrous personages mentioned above. [my paper? what is she talking about??]

If you based this story on 'this dlisted entry', as you claimed at the end of your article..and which is very obvious...you've contributed to inciting hate and perversity and directly, quite likely, to the traumatization of young teens who could very likely be attracted to this article...innocently linked to your spoof. Again, I must congratulate you. You must feel really clean inside exposing them to the mechanics of 'gay sex' as the responders to your 'article of inspiration' so explicitly described.

Poor Donna, she must be shocked and awed over Clay's coming out as gay. I really wanted to draw what she must look like, but am buried in client work this week and couldn't get around to it. I bet she's sitting in her trinket-cluttered living room, gazing up at her Thomas Kinkade painting as she angrily tears up her Clay Aiken ticket stubs and memorabilia while muttering "what has this world come to". A half eaten box of Keebler Fudge cookies are her only comfort on this sad dark day.

Comments

[Donna]

That horrible woman Jaymes Foster made poor Clay Aiken gay! She is so fugly and dirty looking. That wrinkly trollop snatching away eligible young men only to crush their spirit and turn them into a life of sin and sexual perversion! She has the weight of his immortal soul on her head. That rotting crone with her deformed ovaries will continue to spawn her ugly demon babies polluting Clay's gene pool.

[Adam Smith]

Should'nt that headline read:

"Exceedingly tedious contestant in rigged television contest admits unremarkable sexual quirk"

Or.

"Clay Aitken.National Icon of female middle aged virgins in 'I love cock' revelation"

Or.

"I hope you're not easily offended,because my next tour involves live fisting on stage."

[DoodleWhore.com]

You absolutely positively have to draw this. Please. I'm begging.

[Psychochick]

ROFLMAO!!! I didn't tghink someone would take my fake Donna post seriously. You made my dat Stellasells! I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for the much needed laugh. XD

[Psychochick]

ROFLMAO! You just made my day! I didn't think someone would take mty fake Donna post seriously. Thanks for the laugh. I love you!

[stellasells]

Donna-

Are you serious? What religion are you that you think gays and liberals are going to hell? You can't be christian because they teach you not to judge others, but only to judge yourself. If you do happen to claim yourself as christian, you'll be joining everyone else down in hell as well. You're giving religious people a terrible reputation. You should promote love for everyone (as Jesus had done) rather than damnation for all (which you seem to favor.) I hope you enjoy hot weather! And I doubt the New York Times was effected by you. And 14 doesn't even work for them...so bravo for your research skills as well.

[Peta]

I'm surprised a clean-minded woman like Donna would even know "the mechanics of gay sex". Makes one wonder...

[Donna]

You've had your "laugh" over this. I hope you are happy that you contributed to this young man's eternal damnation. I suppose you and your "Liberal" audience needed company in hell. Posting my letter was obviously an act of desperation for you "newspaper". The sales of the New York Times had dropped drastically since I emailed you. My work here is done.

[saintdevil]

What could be more innocent than the Singing Angel trinket?
My grandma had lots of angel figurines with their mouths wide, wide open: Singing and praising the Lord!

Only to a very dirty minded person would it suggest "the mechanics of gay sex".

You're such a naughty girl, Donna.

[Psychochick]

You should create a spoof sequel to The Curse of Chunky by calling it "The Seed of Chunky" for Halloween.

[Kipling]

I enjoy making people squirm!

[Jenn F.]

Yes Kipling... it's also known as a "gunt". I thought I'd try to be a little more creatively descriptive instead of using the word that makes so many people squirm. But I do love your straight-forward approach!

[Sparky]

Ah, yes, it reminds me of the woman who wrote Newsweek some years ago about a photo of Marc Andreessen on their cover. He was shoe and sock-less in the photo, and she was appalled at the lack of attention a man of his position and income paid to his toenails. Yep. Disgusting foot care, she felt. Mind you, she didn't bother writing about the dead bodies on the cover a while earlier, from an ongoing war somewhere else in the world at that time. *Sigh*

Nice work as usual, 14, truly great stuff...

[Kipling]

"...and an abdominal belly that rivals her ass and makes her look like a Volkswagon bug..."

Isn't that called a "gunt"?

[midevil]

Wow, I had no idea you get hate mail! That sucks! *shakes off the hate*

I agree with other posters--let's see more hate mail! It's hilarious!

Hey Donna: Maybe instead of the hate mail, you could cleanse your old wounds and hurts with a good Eppson Salt bath and a release ritual or something? Keeping it all bottled up only leads to misdirected hate mail, really.

[Jenn F.]

I can picture Donna perfectly. She's wearing a sweatshirt with kittens in bonnets with flowers painted on the front of it, dark navy "mom" jeans with tiny back pockets that sit extremely high, and an abdominal belly that rivals her ass and makes her look like a Volkswagon bug, making you unsure if she's coming or going. Her hair is frosted and permed lightly, in the classic "mom" 'do. She has gold rings on almost every finger, rose-coloured nail polish, and a fine gold chain with a "#1 Mom" pendant. Zyconian crystal earrings, Glamour Shots-esque make-up, and glasses with a gold chain looping around her neck rolls, and her mouth pressed together in disapproval suggesting a puckered anus complete the look.

[Peta]

I couldn't help but commenting again. I hope Donna sends another letter blaming your 'gay sex' implying image for his 'condition' and 'ruining the youth of America', 14.

And I hope you post it.XD Maybe then I can figure out why she loves the unnecessary quotes so much.

[immaculata]

Claymates only eat mallo-mars...

[Charlene]

My mother watched Clay sing for two minutes, turned to me, and said, "He's the gay Frankie Sinatra". This was something like his second appearance on AI.

[Butchie]

He will always be straight in my heart.

[raymi]

claymates are smart people, no mental illnesses to be found, or delusions!

[Arfer]

People who vehemently stand up to defend their favorite celebrities are mentally ill.

[Peta]

The part that shocks me is that he had legions of (scary as hell)middle-aged fans in the first place.

[Siduri]

I didn't even know Clay had fans, much less total zealots. That is scary!

You could totally post this to the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. Why does 'gay sex' need quotes around it? And the bit about 'slap-stick' reminds me of Mr. Burns commenting on this strange new treat called 'iced cream'.

I'm guessing that the New York Times thing is a euphemistic way of calling you Jewish or something.

[Erick]

Gobsmacked. Absolutely GOB-smacked.

They're right, it didn't surprise me a bit that he was gay, but it did surprise me that he came out. Kudos however, it had to have been tough when you have such an obsessive following of nothing but middle-aged church ladies. Heck, I might even buy one of his cd's now!

[Demon Kitty]

This has cheered me up today 14! I am so glad you mentioned Thomas Kincaid. Now I will have to find out about Joanne's fabrics or some shit like that.

[Lisa]

I think Donna is the one sitting on the right in the photo of the Claymates posing with the trinket.

Donna, you should know that the Internet is a dangerous place for kids. Young teens shouldn't be roaming around unsupervised here, and if they do they already know more than you do about sex (you do remember sex, right?).

[Thorne Smith]

Wow. With all that's going on in the world, 14's Clay Aiken painting is what got Donna's panties in a twist. How depressing is that?

Donna could be writing her Congressman or woman, focusing her attention and outrage toward the rising costs of gas and food, the financial crisis and investigations on Wall Street, the housing crisis, the credit crisis, or North Korea outsting UN nuclear inspectors. Yet she is motivated to express outrage over...a spoof.

I understand that entertainment serves as a diversion from the day-to-day, but the fact there are Claymates and Brangaloonies like Donna who treat entertainers like venerated religious figures truly gives purpose to Gallery of the Absurd.

14, I love you.

[Queeny]

From a big ol' sissy in San Francisco ---- I remember when gay people were actually GAY = happy, carefree. Now everyone is so touchy about everything.
Satire and mimicry and such is a necessary part of humor.
Lighten up, fellow queers!

[bonni]

Wow, maybe Donna should have paid more attention to all the smart people who could spot the bleeding obvious and commented on Clay's homosexuality.

Perhaps an apology will be on the way? Hmmm, probably not. I expect Donna's a "hit and run" emailer, and her humiliation must be pretty stingy right about now.

[sb]

Don't worry 14 she'll always have the HSN it's not gay.....

[lynnster]

P.S. -- BEST. READING. EVAR.

[lynnster]

Wait...Clay Aiken's... gay?

*Wipes tear-stained eyes with Thomas Kinkaide painting*

[Cassie]

Wow, now that's a well done slap in the face! :D Go 14, go!

[glenn maguire]

You must feel awful, having outed Clay to himself.

[wickedorchid]

"gazing at her Thomas Kinkaid painting"

I love you for that....I also appreciated a Socialites life predicting rioting at Joanne's fabrics.

Good for him coming out!!!!

[CPT Willy]

I hear he is changing his stage name from Clay Aiken to "Gay Ache'n". Is that true?

What does Donna think of this change?

Will Donna send me hate mail? (even negative attention is better than no attention at all, right?)

BTW, I agree with Jujupiter and Nanners that you should post your hate-mail. It would be better with a painting, but we can use our imaginations if you are too busy to draw the hate.

[Erik]

I am astonished at how emotionally attached people get to losing contestants on American Idol. He doesn't even sing that well. Kind of crazy to think about how much hate energy is wasted by fans defending their idol against reality. If we could bottle that energy and use it for something good, like celebrity executions!, then the world would be a better place indeed. Life is truly stranger than art.

[Sean P]

Sam:

Put it this way, I am not in the least bit surprised to hear Clay is gay, but I am stunned to hear him admit it.

[Sam]

Are people actually surprised about Clay coming out of the closet? Was that a mystery? Hmmm... Nice hate mail, thanks for sharing.

[Nanners]

Hate mail is always hilarious. Share more with us please!

Anyway, congrats on the job with the NYT. ;)

[Kipling]

Damn, you know I love the gay porn as much as the next straight girl...how did I miss this?!
Maybe Donna can switch her love and loyalty to Musical Icons of Straight like Ricky Martin or Barry Manilow...no smoke there!

[Vern]

14,
I bet that box of cookies is gone by now. And how did I miss the explicit sex stuff?

[Jujupiter]

I didn't know you were receiving so much hate mail. I mean, so much *stupid* hate mail! I suggest that you open a monthly column "14 reads you" in which you would quote the best hate mail. You could even give away prices, like the Donna Award, or something...