Jessica Simpson: The Preacher's Daughter Featured on Cosmo Cover

Passing the newsstand last week, my gaze could not help being assaulted by the lurid Comso cover. Like an aggressive streetwalker indiscreetly peddling her wares, the Cosmo cover simply refused to be ignored. Jessica Simpson's poorly photoshopped boobs are surrounded by day-glo colored words such as NAKED, SEX, SKANKY and ORGASM. A headline, Your Orgasm Face, What He's Thinking When He Sees It includes a cartoonish Mr. Bill O-face graphic - just to drive the point home further. Visually overwhelmed and wavering between amusement and revulsion, I came home and painted the image seared into my mind. Below is the original cover, but there's really not much difference between the two. Medium: Watercolor and acrylic on paper, digital color.

 

Comments

[Nicol3]

I saw this ridiculous zine at the store a while back, the first thing that came to my mind was you making fun of it soon enough!

*bows*

Thank you for your patronage.

[اس ام اس عاشقانه اس ام اس باحال]

it,s beautiful
thank you very much

[[email protected]]

Right on!!!! I couldnt agree with YOUR version more!! This type of "entertainment" is really garbage that the media easily distracts the general public with on a daily basis.
The heck with that; I'm out

[Viper Tetsu]

Wine goes in, genius comes out. The scalpels in the world's finest hospitals ain't gonna cut as deep as this illo.

And would someone with more money than me pay for some Lasik surgery for Larryn? That twonk is OBVIOUSLY blind.

[javelin]

thank you for this. Every time I pass a magazine rack I feel like spitting on Cosmo.

I love what you did with her face, it's like she's grinning vacantly at an invisible carrot that's been dangled over her nose for quite some time.

[Bionic Squirrel]

The crossed eyes, the mouth full of oversized Chicklet teeth, the mushroom-penises at the bottom... perfectomundo.

Cosmo has always been so lame in its dog-in-heat style. Lynnster and Vern, you're so right about the sexy vs. skanky issue these days. A lot of people can't seem to figure that one out, which baffles me. It seems so simple. There's something to be learned in retro style.

[Ruth]

Oh those boobs! They are not as bad as her candid pics in Life&Style or InTouch mags.. those are scary.. how she always wears something 3 sizes too small so they can look smushed. Why is someone with a D cup doing that!? lol.

I adore this piece!

[vern]

Oh yeah Lynnster! I am not a prude by ANY stretch, but I went to a college basketball game this past weekend and there was this girl there in a purple spandex mini-dress and ankle high hoochie boots, doing the:
"I'm looking good today" strut and I thought, in any other time zone she would be on a street corner with that garb. Yikes!

[lynnster]

The part that gets me is how after all of the big, bold "SEXY SEX SEX!!! HOW TO HAVE SEXY SEX AND MAKE HIM WANT TO SEX YOU AND YOUR SKANKY ORGASM FACE!!!!" stuff, way down on the bottom right there are oh, so helpful tips on "How to outsmart a date rapist."

Yeah, okay. Because of course if you are a girl who's obsessed enough with sex to read all of those articles and have your boobs hangin' out like Jessica Simpson, date rape should be on your peripheral radar.

To think sexy used to be all about looking like the girl next door and wearing form-fitting feminine clothes that accentuated body curves and showed some class. Man, women's body images have really gone into the toilet. It's so sad that sexy and slutty are seen as the same thing now. They really didn't used to be.

[Glorious Karl]

I first saw landoverbaptist.com years and years ago and got a huge laugh out of it.

"Donna" up above nearly gave me apoplexy. I was preparing a devastating response before I caught on. One of my hobbies is outflanking conservatives on their own forums so I should have known. This hobby got me through several grim Bush years, and as a form of catharsis I recommend it highly. My heart soared like an eagle the first time I told some fool that he had forgotten the lessons of 9/11. I'm with you about the quotation marks adding a touch of authenticity.

It has long been one of my pet peeves that Bush got so much Christian cred when he doesn't go to fucking church. He's just a little bit better than other Christians so he doesn't need to. Try to imagine if Clinton or Gore or Kerry or Obama didn't go to church! Kerry and Obama got in trouble for their religions anyway, but most people never even realized that Bush doesn't attend. He's a master of PR as well as at dodging shoes.

[psychochick]

I agree Karl. The first time I saw Jessica Simpson in '99 I thought she was ugly and looked like a dude. Now I find her attractive. I used to think Brad Pitt was hot now he is ugly and pointy jawed to me.

[Glorious Karl]

I've always been put off slightly by Simpson. Now that I've looked at her carefully I think it's because her face is androgynous. She certainly has a nice figure.

I thought you were marvelously creative to come up with such clever headlines for a Cosmo. It never occurred to me that they might be real!

I too thought the mushrooms were a nice touch.

[psychochick]

Here is the link to the vid of that crazy woman. http://www.break.com/index/crazy_phelps_family_on_tyra.html

[psychochick]

I got that term watching a youtube clip of the Tyra Banks show. This Baptist woman and her 2 daughters were very judgemental and said only they and members of their church were going to heaven and said Tyra was a "gay enabler" even though they admitted to watching ANTM themselves. I thought it was a funny way to put it. I am a Baptist myself so I found their arrogannce very annoying. Not all Baptists act that way, just the fake ones.

[Erick]

Gay enabler? LOL I've learned a new term!

[Sweet Subversion]

Dayum psychochick! You are welcome! I liked the part about Jesus in your colon. I did see Jesus in your colon didn't I? As someone who was raised by Catholic fundamentalists - as someone who had a mother with irritable bowel syndrome and a histrionic personality disorder - I can appreciate that. All my fucking life I heard Jesus and colon in the same breath until she croaked.

Thanks Vern! I totally want 14 to get Jeff Polage on a Cosmo cover every fucking month. 14, you and Jeff should start your own magazine.

[Parker Worth]

Dear 14, I thanked you a while ago for getting me to look at magazines. Well, I was in Costco, it must have been a couple of weeks ago when I saw the orgasm face cover and I laughed so hard I made an orgasm face myself and I completely overlooked the Simpson.

[psychochick]

I can picture Jeff Polage on the with that same look on his face. XD

[Kamala]

Awesome! I was in line at Safeway just a few days ago and saw that cover and thought the same thing- Damn! My eyes went from her boobs to the words 'skanky' then to 'orgasm face' and I thought, man, 14 needs to paint this shit. Perfect. They made it too easy for you this time.

[psychochick]

Thanks for the compliment, Sweet Subversion. I created Donna to amuse myself occasionally but wanted to add she isn't an example of a true Christian. I just get tired of these holier than thou phonies who make everyone hate Christians and was paradying that. *cough* Bush *cough*

[Vern]

OOHH! I love Sweet Subversion's idea!
Could you 14?
Would you 14?
PLEASE!!!!

[Sweet Subversion]

14,

You should do a Cosmopolitan parody every month with Jeff Pollage on the cover!!!!!!!

[Sweet Subversion]

Donna, you are a fucking genius!

[Sweet Subversion]

Jesus Penis! So many angry people! LOL!

This parody is true to Cosmo in every sense of the word. It's always been a rag for your time on the toilet!

As a great big dyke who is going straight to hell, I would think Jessica was hot if she acted like she had brain, if it were not for nasty Pappa Joe, and if she just started cursing all the time. The air headed southern bell crap is just BOOOOOOOOOOORING. I want Jessica to get a filthy mouth and a spine! I want her to skewer Pappa Joe's balls with one of her high heels.

I don't understand women either Webmasterpete. That being said, I don't understand men. The sistahood does not exist.

[Donna]

Jessica Simpson is a "hypocrite" in every sense of the word. She pretended to be a good "Christian" girl and now is a blatant "gay enabler" who lives in sin with her boyfriend. This trollop has her gaping trap wide open constantly suggesting that she would like a huge "rod" to fill it.

Shame on her father who seems to lecher after her and her trashy younger sister while enjoying the monetary fruits of their "ill gotten" fame. Shame on her for promoting such decadent and lust-filled fantasies for young girls to emulate thinking this is how a proper Christian girl behaves!

This what happens to young women who fall from grace. She is a trashy whore on the cover of a fancy catalogue for the filthy brothel known as "Hollywood".

[psychochick]

Larryn I thought you never saw 14's pic or are just blind. Cuz I was gonna mention how gorgeous 14 is in her pics. I like Jessica Simpson, I like 14 and I love 14's parodies. :D Cosmo is annoying. I love the parody.

[14]

Thanks for your comments everyone!

You know, this painting really isn't about Jessica Simpson at all - it's about Cosmopolitan magazine. Really, anyone could have been on the cover and I would have still been stopped in my tracks by all those sleazy headlines. Cosmo has become a parody of itself - I couldn't resist. However, I'll admit to the fact that seeing a preacher's daughter posing in the middle of all that day-glo sleaze was just the nudge I needed to paint something new for GOTA.

Because I've had two glasses of wine (Wine goes in, Truth comes out), I'll admit I think Jessica SImpson is a pretty girl.

WebMasterPete: I'm a member of the female species and I STILL don't understand women, so you aren't alone.

xoxo
14

[chromos]

another wonderful drawing, and like many others I thought you had exaggerated the text, but barely so!!

but to add some pearls of wisdom to the controversy, no matter how shallow she is, she ain't ugly, and I sure would f**k her, if I could, and my experience tells me that's a sentiment I share with most honest men...

[brow]

dear larryn,
get over yourself. your sarcasm was really not evident in the first statement. but +1 for not actually taking cosmo seriously.

dear 14,
thank you for skewering their covers. cosmo has been locked in a downward ho-spiral for a while now. they should really be sold alongside maxim and playboy...barf-o...

[Sara]

The banter in these comments really added a flavor to this illustration.

Thank you for attacking each other.

[WebmasterPete]

About Larryn's last comment:
I'm a guy - can I still join this nefarious 'Sistahood' organization you speak of?
14, can you nominate me for the Sistahood? I don't want to get a sex change operation or anything like that, but I certainly can wear women's cloths for the meetings. I'm thinking this could be a real coup. You know, gain knowledge of all kinds of secret, esoteric female wisdom and then write a shocking best-seller that finally reveals What Women Really Want or What They Really Think or What part of Venus they Like Best or Whatever. Oh forget it - It's just a crazy dream.

[tedda]

that is the most hilarious thing i have ever seen. and just last weekend i saw a t-shirt that said "smiling is for hypocrites" so that's saying a lot.

[Larryn]

ooops! I guess I missed the point of this blog. We all have to agree with the "sistahood" conventions. Sorry.

Right away you trashy low-enders who subscribe to this blog go to character assasination about me, like the comment that I "tongue clean bathrooms". Shows your lack of wit and especially lack of class.

If you weren't so dull and ignorant, you'd note my comment was meant as humor! Who would admit they love vapid shallow celebrity...and mean it? Come off it, fools.

[Dr.L.]

Jessica Simpson is precisely EVERYTHING that is wrong with the Cowboys.
Hateful in Dallas,
Dr. L.

[Erik]

Woohoo, 14 has a troll! You've arrived, baby! Hehehe.

For the record, I thought he verbiage was over the top until I scrolled down and saw it was nowhere near over the top. Cosmo is total trash and about as shallow as Jessica Simpson. I love that she moved in with Tony Romo and the Cowboys lost their next game.

This rocks, 14, and you rock for rocking it. Rock on!

[WebmasterPete]

I believe Larryn said 'WE' when 'I' would have been much more accurate.
WE do not all want shallow, vapid celebrity. WE do not all think Jessica Simpson is hot. Believing that everyone, if not openly, secretly thinks the way YOU do is a strong indication you are a fucking twit that reads Cosmo.

[gwen]

Jessica is hot!!!! luv her!

[gwen]

Jessica is hot!!!! luv her!

[dottie]

I love that you changed "Cosmo's Naked Quiz" to simply read "Naked Naked Naked." It's subtle but genius.

[Dave Hater]

Larryn, who once tongue-cleaned a bathroom owned by a dude named Dave, does not seem to know that to be the alpha bitch is to own all. Dog? Alpha bitch, *please*, girlfriend!

[Larryn]

Jessica is gorgeous hot, a pleasure to look at.

Cosmo never said it was an intellectual magazine.

Shallow, vapid celebrity is what we WANT, and Cosmo delivers.

So don't be such a sore loser because you are a DOG

[Vern]

Well, OK, I'll be the one to say it:
I like the penises best!

[Magda]

Wow, most of the things I thought you were making up...you weren't. Spot on!

[kilo]

you should get jeff to recreate this one

[Mockazine]

Home Run Again, 14! Is it just my imagination or does Cosmo re-run all the same articles and just simply change the pictures each month?