Gallery of the Absurd

Heidi Montag's Bust of a Bust Now Available!

Heidi Montag adores her mega-boobs so much that she commissioned a commemorative "Bust of a Bust" musical monument for her new line of Heidi Montag Collectibles.  Factory-crafted in China using only the finest genuine simulated marble, the Bust of a Bust monument is sure to be an attention grabbing addition to your home decor.  You'll marvel over the lifelife hardened lumps glowing wantonly under the built-in spotlight, and if that's not enough to grab your attention, a buzzing glow of pink neon will constantly remind you of one of Heidi's most memorable recent quotes. It only gets better because the Bust of a Bust is not only pleasant to look at, it also plays music. Yes, now you can listen to a selection of hits from Heidi's new album Superficial, which she claims is going to be a bigger success than Michael Jackson's Thriller! 

Listen to a sample of Heidi's remarkable music here:

Heidi Song

 Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color, photoshop. Heidi Song composed and sung by 14.

Heidi Montag's Giant Boobs Will Make Her Famous

Self-obsessed starlet thing, Heidi Montag recently underwent multiple cosmetic surgical procedures and debuted her new look on the cover of People magazine. Before, she at least had a little character, but now she's a dead-eyed, frozen-faced blurry vanilla beige amalgamation of every other bouncy blonde in Hollywood.  I had a tough time drawing her because quite simply, I can't see her. Despite the fact she's had so much botox and restylane pumped into her 23 year-old face, the art directors at People decided they still needed to photoshop her to oblivion. What does Heidi look like now?  I don't know, but one thing we ALL know is that she has massively gigantic boobs.  And those boobs are what's going to make her interesting to us.  She claims she did it because it will help her career as a pop star, but since her "music" sounds like a bunch of chipmunks with jackhammers, I'm not too sure it will pay off.  I could be wrong though - maybe that's what the kids are listening to these days. Regardless, Heidi says her triple D boobs aren't large enough and she's going to pump those things up to an H.  Poor Heidi will continue striving to be "the prettiest girl" and we all get to watch the disaster unfold as she continues her public quest for fame and perfection. Jocelyn Wildenstien is going to have some stiff competition soon! Medium: Heidi and Tiger are graphite and digital paint, Obamas and Tila are photoshop hack jobs.

 

Madonna is Old, But The Rest of Us Are Just Fine

The Daily Mail, a shamelessly sordid British tabloid, has been on a tireless mission to drop kick Madonna off her lofty pedestal every time she makes a public appearance.  Like all of us, Madonna is growing older, but the Daily Mail is determined to shine a glaring spotlight on every aspect of Madonna's aging process. The headlines and accompanying articles regarding the iconic pop singer seemed to have been written by a bunch of cackling old hens:

A surprised look and arched eyebrows did not quite tally with a wrinkle-free forehead, making for a rather bizarre and unnatural appearance which was not helped by the fact that the skin around her eyes also appeared pulled taut.Thick red lipstick, which seemed to have been hastily applied, served only to accentuate the uneven look of her mouth. (insert raucous hen laughter here)

 Medium: ink on paper, digital stars and text.

Paula Deen's Empire of Butter

I was a bit bleary-eyed when I walked past the newsstand on New Years Day and spotted a Paula Deen magazine. Not yet awake and my mind still fuzzy, my eyeballs were hijacked by what appears to be a human marshmallow with a blinding smile displaying a tray of gooey chocolate desserts. Nuts, whipped cream, and peanut butter were swirled together with chocolate sauce - and because that's still not enough sugary sweetness, a nutter butter cookie was shoved in for good measure. Ms. Deen holds one of the desserts up to her head. They are practically the same size. I glanced at the magazine title: Quick and Easy, but in my delicate state I read it as "QUEASY".  

After the trauma passed, I decided to learn more about Paula Deen.  Are you hungry? Go to her website and find such delightful recipes as Deep Fried Lasagna, Gooey Butter Cake, or burgers served on a Krispy Kreme donut. But that's not all, Paula Deen has built an empire! Not only can you purchase Paula Deen cookware, spices, condiments, and pork shanks, she's gone all Ed Hardy on us with crystal-bedecked key chains, reading glasses, and checkbook covers, with more shiny trinkets sure to follow.  Paula isn't worried about her health and doesn't believe in exercise (it KEELS y'all, and makes you drop over DAY-ed), but watch here as she lifts a dumb bell for the first time in her life and slobbers over her "hot young trainer". Uncomfortable. Medium: Acrylic and gouache on paper, digital text.