Gallery of the Absurd

Portrait of John Mayer Twittering While Smoking Sexual Crack

I heard somewhere that John Mayer actually sings and has a music career, but I wouldn't know it because all I ever read about him is his incessant blathering about himself and his penis.  Seriously, if someone says John Mayer, I don't picture a guy on stage with a guitar, nope, I see a sweaty zoo chimp smoking sexual napalm out of his Jessica Simpson crack pipe as the bluish light of his iphone illuminates the little pup tent growing in his pants. Media: graphite on paper, digital paint.

Jessica Simpson: The Preacher's Daughter Featured on Cosmo Cover

Passing the newsstand last week, my gaze could not help being assaulted by the lurid Comso cover. Like an aggressive streetwalker indiscreetly peddling her wares, the Cosmo cover simply refused to be ignored. Jessica Simpson's poorly photoshopped boobs are surrounded by day-glo colored words such as NAKED, SEX, SKANKY and ORGASM. A headline, Your Orgasm Face, What He's Thinking When He Sees It includes a cartoonish Mr. Bill O-face graphic - just to drive the point home further. Visually overwhelmed and wavering between amusement and revulsion, I came home and painted the image seared into my mind. Below is the original cover, but there's really not much difference between the two. Medium: Watercolor and acrylic on paper, digital color.

 

Celebrity Family Photo Christmas Cards: The Simpsons

I always look forward to the steady stream of photo Christmas cards landing in my mailbox this time of year. It's nice to see how the kids have grown, and everyone is wearing their holiday best while gathered 'round the warm glow of the Christmas tree. Even more exciting is the enclosed form letter detailing the year's triumphs and tragedies: Cousin Stevie graduated high school with honors, Uncle Gene had hernia surgery, and crazy old Aunt Margaret sunk all her savings into an emu farm. Imagine my surprise when this afternoon, I received this festive photo Christmas card from "Creepy" Joe Simpson and family! Of course, the first thing I did was scan it so I could post it and share with my readers.

This was the enclosed form letter accompanying the Christmas card, but I tore it up without thinking and only have these last little scraps to show you. No worries, the entire 2007 Simpson family update can be read in full here. Medium: digital composite. Idea was collaborated upon while enjoying a deceptive bottle of premium sake with Candy at a boisterous sushi bar. Text written by Candy Kirby.

Jessica Simpson's Public Humiliation

A recent issue of Star Magazine humiliated Jessica Simpson with a contemporary version of a public hanging. They ran a cover photo of her along with the accompanying headline, It's Not A Fat Suit! Inside the mag, they included a full-page version of the photo with the screaming headline, Hips Don't Lie! The photo was taken at an unflattering angle, and while Jessica didn't really look fat (at least to me) she did look ridiculous. She's up on stage, her mouth is gaping wide open, voluptous double-D cups bust out of her jacket and she's holding a very phallic-looking microphone in her hand. I didn't notice any fat, but it did cross my mind that she looks a lot like a blow-up doll. The photo had a very pornographic look to it and I felt compelled to capture it. Now that I've painted and posted the image, I realize I too am participating in her public hanging. Oh, the humanity. Medium: acrylic on board, digital text.

These Boots Were Made For Hopping

The Jessica Simpson Dingbat Frog can be found hopping around Hollywood in search of a suitable mate. It can be identified by its large chest spilling out of low cut tops and also by its habit of wearing silly boots. The disturbing croak of the Dingbat Frog has been recorded on CD and is available for purchase. A distinguishing characteristic of the Dingbat Frog is its enormous rubbery mouth which is often kept agape. This allows the frog to feed on cash flies buzzing around lucrative endorsement deals such as Proactive Acne Solution, Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites, clip-on hair, accessories and cosmetics. This concludes the series of "Celebimals" commissioned by Animal magazine. Medium: Ink and acrylic on paper, Latin phrase by Michael K.

 

A Shocking Night at the Grocery Store

I was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store watching the man in front of me pull his wallet from out of his pants (not his pocket, his PANTS) and then I started giggling because the cashier didn't want to touch his money and she started lecturing him about how it's unsanitary to keep money near one's "personal area" and he kept saying "I am shocked, absolutely SHOCKED you are talking to me like this!!" and she screams "I NOT touch you money!!!!" I had to look away, so as to not burst out laughing...so I turn my attention to the tabloid rack and am SHOCKED to see an angry Jessica Simpson snarling at me from the cover of OK! Magazine with the headline, "Jessica Gets Her Revenge!!!" I'm used to seeing Jessica looking like a goofy cotton candy airhead, mouth open wide, clueless deer in the headlight eyes, skin a cheery shade of orange...but this photo hints she might be changing her image from Fluffy Blonde Boob Bimbo to Scorned Bad Girl on a Mission for Revenge. oooooh, I hope so!!! Medium: Ink and watercolor on paper.