Gallery of the Absurd

I Have Come From Space To Make You Beautiful

I've long held on to the crazy theory that those alien creatures visiting our planet are really just human beings from the distant future. It all makes sense when you look at the faces of Joan Rivers, Cher, Kenny Rogers, Amanda Lepore, (I could go on and on) and notice the eyes slanted upwards, the pinched nose, the pillowy face, the enlarged head on a stick-like body.  Is excessive cosmetic surgery helping along the process of evolution and leading us toward a glamorous future of galactic exploration and cattle abduction?  If so, Dr. Frederic Brandt, cosmetic surgeon of the stars and self-proclaimed King of Collagen has to come Earth to make us beautiful.  Medium: Acrylic on paper, digital color.

Heidi Montag's Bust of a Bust Now Available!

Heidi Montag adores her mega-boobs so much that she commissioned a commemorative "Bust of a Bust" musical monument for her new line of Heidi Montag Collectibles.  Factory-crafted in China using only the finest genuine simulated marble, the Bust of a Bust monument is sure to be an attention grabbing addition to your home decor.  You'll marvel over the lifelife hardened lumps glowing wantonly under the built-in spotlight, and if that's not enough to grab your attention, a buzzing glow of pink neon will constantly remind you of one of Heidi's most memorable recent quotes. It only gets better because the Bust of a Bust is not only pleasant to look at, it also plays music. Yes, now you can listen to a selection of hits from Heidi's new album Superficial, which she claims is going to be a bigger success than Michael Jackson's Thriller! 

Listen to a sample of Heidi's remarkable music here:

Heidi Song

 Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color, photoshop. Heidi Song composed and sung by 14.

Heidi Montag's Giant Boobs Will Make Her Famous

Self-obsessed starlet thing, Heidi Montag recently underwent multiple cosmetic surgical procedures and debuted her new look on the cover of People magazine. Before, she at least had a little character, but now she's a dead-eyed, frozen-faced blurry vanilla beige amalgamation of every other bouncy blonde in Hollywood.  I had a tough time drawing her because quite simply, I can't see her. Despite the fact she's had so much botox and restylane pumped into her 23 year-old face, the art directors at People decided they still needed to photoshop her to oblivion. What does Heidi look like now?  I don't know, but one thing we ALL know is that she has massively gigantic boobs.  And those boobs are what's going to make her interesting to us.  She claims she did it because it will help her career as a pop star, but since her "music" sounds like a bunch of chipmunks with jackhammers, I'm not too sure it will pay off.  I could be wrong though - maybe that's what the kids are listening to these days. Regardless, Heidi says her triple D boobs aren't large enough and she's going to pump those things up to an H.  Poor Heidi will continue striving to be "the prettiest girl" and we all get to watch the disaster unfold as she continues her public quest for fame and perfection. Jocelyn Wildenstien is going to have some stiff competition soon! Medium: Heidi and Tiger are graphite and digital paint, Obamas and Tila are photoshop hack jobs.

 

Excessive Celebrity Cosmetic Surgery Begs For Scientific Study

As excessive cosmetic surgery procedures become more widespread among certain self-absorbed inhabitants of Beverly Hills, London and beyond, research scientists specializing in cross cultural body modification have begun to take notice. For centuries, people have marveled over the unusual variations of body modification in the name of beauty and cultural identification -- the lip plates of the Mursi Tribe in Ethiopia, the facial tattoos of Tribal New Zealand's Maori, the elongated necks of the mountain-dwelling Kayan Tribe, and the most bizarre of them all, the Celebrity people of the Entertainment Industry. Identified by their over-inflated lips, melon-sized chest implants, taut immovable facial skin, cheek implants, eyebrows nearly touching their scalps, hair extensions, and often skeletal frame, they can be spotted with great regularity in habitats such as tony boutiques and cafe hot spots. Scientists theorize this bizarre conception of beauty is a result of the desperate quest to regain the dwindling blossom of youth even though the Celebrity often becomes more appalling than alluring. Further study is needed to understand this shocking high strangeness. Medium: ink, liquid pencil, on paper, digital color.

Janice Dickinson is The Re-Animator

Janice Dickinson stars in the Hollywood remake of the gory 1985 horror classic, Re-Animator. Janice will portray herself as the basement-dwelling mad scientist who continuously injects herself with questionable youth-preserving serums until she begins to suffer horrific side-effects. In one of the more gory scenes, Janice cuts off her own head and miraculously grows a newer, younger one. Her older, disembodied head rolls around on the floor begging for a boob job and tummy tuck until Janice grows impatient with it and kicks it across the room. Medium: acrylic on paper, digital color/text. Happy Halloween!

Carrot Top Lurks in Your Nightmares

 I'm not quite sure what Carrot Top does other than terrify the wits out of people. He obviously lifts weights, wears heavy pancake and eye makeup, and seems to have willingly embraced the Evil Clown look for his personae. Good for him, I say. Because I have an appreciation for nonconformists, I'd like to see him push his creepy clown look even further. Perhaps he should consider starring as Pennywise, the sewer-lurking murderous clown from Stephen King's made-for-TV movie, IT. Medium: graphite and pastel on paper, digital color/text/photos. See original sketch here.

Photoshop in a Can: Star Jones Edition

Just a few short years ago, Star Jones was a bloated biomass who draped herself in the pelts of dead animals while gobbling up media attention with the same gusto as she gobbled up bacon double cheeseburgers. Now, thanks to gastric bypass surgery and the magic of Photoshop in a Can, she has a brand new look and a brand new job.

Even though Star Jones is no longer obese, she still loves to adorn her diva self with loads of fur. She was thrilled to learn she can use Photoshop in a Can to airbrush away her mink coat anytime she finds herself confronted by those pesky folks from PETA. She carries a purse-sized can of the stuff with her at all times. Medium: Photos of dead rats, snarling possums, lifeless foxes, a squirrel that tried to attack me at the park (seriously), a mutilated cow left behind by space aliens, and Star Jones.

Star might be using a wee bit too much Photoshop in a Can. She's gone and made herself look like a cross between a venus flytrap and a wet praying mantis. Stop now while you can Star! There's no revert or undo button! Medium: ink, acrylic on paper, digital color. If you'd like to see definitive proof that Gallery of the Absurd provides you with only the most accurate celebrity depictions, then please click here.

Rocky Balboa in Twenty Years

Rocky Balboa is the neverending story of the underdog prize fighter who always manages to win. In the sixth installment of the series, the 60 year old Sylvester Stallone shows he's still got what it takes despite the fact he's often compared to looking like his mother or poked fun of in a newspaper headline calling him "...more stocky than Rocky". Rocky Balboa has received favorable reviews from the Hollywood Reporter and Variety, but it's going to be nothing compared to the future greatness of Rocky 7: Nursing Home Rumble. Slated for release on December 20, 2026, Stallone will once again prove that he can still throw a bloody punch. Watch with unabashed glee as the 80-year old Rocky pummels his geriatric neighbors Arnold Shwarzenegger and Steven Seagal. Medium: Acrylic and charcol on paper with wine spilled on it. Much thanks to clever Kipling for the brainstorm.

We predict Sylvester Stallone will continue to sport his current pointy black eyebrows and poorly-fitted jet black toupee well into his eighties. If he's not careful, he'll also destroy his charming hangdog expression with gallons of botox resulting in an epic battle between droopy and puffy. This could be the subject of Rocky 8: Gravity vs. Excessive Cosmetic Surgery.

Janice Dickinson's New Modeling Job

 

Phrenology was a popular 19th century "science" believed to accurately predict personality and character traits by studying the size and shape of the skull. No phrenologist office was complete without a ceramic phrenology head, and soon no 21st century plastic surgery office will be without the Janice Dickinson Cosmetic Plastic Surgery bust. This useful new tool allows surgeons to explain all available cosmetic procedures to their patients before they undergo the knife. It's made of durable high density polymer and includes most every cosmetic surgery procedure currently available. If you're considering cosmetic plastic surgery, now you can see what your results might look like...and you just might think twice.

This Gallery of the Absurd illustration appears the cover of Janice Dickinson's book "Everything About Me Is Fake...And I'm Perfect".

"Supermodel Janice Dickinson tackles the perils of looking perfect, debunks beauty myths, and offers commonsense advice about looking good cheaply, easily, and on your own terms, while feeling good about yourself no matter what."         

Put down your Kierkegaard and buy Janice's book immediately! You know you want to.

A special thank you to .net Magazine for the interview with 14. Read it here.

 

My first book cover.

The Strange Morphing Face of Startled Jones

While in the middle of painting the Star Jones pin-up for Babe Magazine (see above), I felt I needed to look at her face once again before adding the finishing touches.  I wanted some recent photos, so I went to getty images.  When I pulled up the photos, I nearly fell over backwards!!  WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO HER FACE? It's too late at night for me to be looking at photos as blood-curdling at these!  I know faces change appearance after dramatic weight loss, but Star looks really different.  I compared the much maligned Star-in-red-bathing-suit image from a few weeks ago with the photos from her recent book signing and she looks like a different person.  She looks like a very startled big-eyed alien. I hereby bequeath her a new moniker: Startled Jones.

Version ONE: too tame


Version TWO: perfect

Photo proof: