Gallery of the Absurd

Barack Obama's New Anti-McCain Political Poster

 

In response to John McCain's controversial celebrity ad, Barack Obama's campaign released this Heidi Montag endorsed poster today. Insiders claim Senator McCain thought his own campaign was responsible for the poster and after viewing it, proudly informed reporters his campaign is striving to attract younger voters by using "talented actresses" such as Montag. Campaign officials quickly ushered the stuttering McCain away from the microphones and explained that Obama's camp was responsible for the ad. Witnesses say McCain began pumping his fists as he burst into a fit of Hulk-like fury and berated his cowering employees for not coming up with the idea themselves. Medium: Graphite on paper, digital color. UPDATE: I find it amusing a pro McCain ad magically showed up on my blog next to the drawing of McCain looking like a half-dead angry chipmunk. Readers are emailing me to have it removed, but I take sick pleasure in it being there and even grabbed a screen shot of it. And no, I'm not a McCain supporter.

 

Fun With Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Something about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's habit of posing like cloying robotic clowns in staged photographs reminds me of those simplistic Dick and Jane books that were used to teach kids to read back in the 1950's. Riveting story lines involving the adventures of Dick and Jane typically went like this: See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. Run, run, run. Jane has a toy. It is a red toy. Heidi and Spencer are about as interesting and complex as sawdust as those repetitive Dick and Jane stories, so why not use them in an updated version?

There could be several volumes, maybe even one devoted exclusively to holidays: Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, Independence Day, Mother's Day, Halloween, National Gun Day, you name it. Kids would love it! Since Heidi claims to be such a devoted Bible thumper, perhaps they could even create a Christian version of the story to go along with the Christian album she wants to record. So much fun with Heidi and Spencer! Medium: Usage of paparazzi pictures kindly given by PacificCoastNews.com

Celebrity Elves: The Olsen Twins

It's time to debut my 2007 Holiday Greeting Card Collection: Celebrity Elves. The Olsen Twin elves are at times, adorable little imps with large lemur-like eyes and messy tangled hair. Draping themselves in blankets, shawls and furs, they are often spotted teetering about the streets of NY wearing impossible shoes and carrying expensive bags twice their size. Most of the time they look harmless, but occasionally you'll catch a photo of them that sends chills down your spine. An icy glare, an unsmiling face, bright, yet empty eyes. If I was riding my bike down a creepy hotel corridor, say The Overlook from The Shining for example, and the twins suddenly appeared in front of me, I'd become gripped by fear.

Various Reviews of Britney's VMA Performance

I didn't watch the VMAs. Sure, I was curious about how Britney's big "comeback performance" would go, but I knew it would be all over the internet as soon as she finished, so why bother? Since I'm more inspired by what you have to say about Britney Spears rather than Britney Spears herself, I decided to illustrate some of the more interesting opinions I found regarding her performance:

 

Chris Crocker, Britney Spears fan/sobbing YouTube sensation, launches into tearful hysteria and eardrum-busting screams as he pleads to all of us to leave Britney alone. "Her song is called Gimme More for a reason because all you people want is more more more! LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! sob."

 

Nekesa Mumbi Moody of the Associated Press wrote that Britney's performance consisted of "lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home."

 

Michael K of Dlisted wrote, "I could have dressed a sack of potatoes up in a sequined bikini and turned a tired track on and have gotten a better performance and better lip-synching skills."

 

 

Dan Aquilante of the New York Post called Brit's performance "totally lame, pathetically lip-synched" and that "Spears was stuffed into a spangled bra and hot pants and jiggled like Jell-O as she sleepwalked through the song." What got me is when I read the part about how Britney "danced like she had a pantload." Ouch.

Is Britney Headed for Another Breakdown?

US Weekly recently presented compelling evidence that Britney Spears may be headed toward another apocalyptic public meltdown. The clues are there, and US Weekly was the first to warn the public of the impending disaster. The tabloid asked "experts" to observe Britney's current behavior/fashion choices and compare the results with her pre-meltdown behavior/fashion choices. US even went and found real live doctors to test their hypothesis! Now that's credible reportin'. Dr. Martin Pennington, a clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience and Dr. Robi Ludwig, a psychotherapist/TV host gave their expert commentary on Britney's condition and the prognosis doesn't look good. Here are the four warning signs:

 

4. Britney was flashing flesh before her first meltdown and now she's doing it again. These days, she can be seen parading around Hollywood wearing sheer tops with brightly colored bras - that is, if she chooses to wear a bra at all. She has no problems going out in public looking like a tawdry scarecrow. "She's saying 'I'm doing what I want to do when I want to do it,'" Dr. Pennington says of Spears.

 

3. Britney wears the same old pair of rotting boots every day. "It's a form of rebellion," says Ludwig of Spears' tendency to wear the same boots over and over...She's thumbing her nose at everyone."

2. For some reason, chihuahua puppies figure into the equation. According to the doctors, excessive chihuahua cuddling is symptomatic of a looming meltdown. "It's about being wanted and appreciated for who she is" says Ludwig.

 

1. Britney has once again dyed her hair dark - this does not bode well. If you'll remember, she had dark locks before she grabbed the clippers to shave that mess off. "When Britney was blonder, she was 'good,'" says Ludwig, "Now she's getting in touch with her 'darker' side." Medium: graphite sketches torn out of sketchbook with digital color added.

How To Attract A Star Fish

Rumors are flying that Star Jones got canned from The View because of all the attention surrounding her shameless quest for freebies and because of the denial and controversy surrounding her dramatic weight loss. When it comes to Star Jones, I don't know what to believe...all I know is that when Animal Magazine asked Michael K and I to come up with ideas for celebrity animals, we all agreed that Ms. Jones reminded us of one of those bug-eyed goldfish.  According to popular speculation, both the Bug-Eyed Star Fish (gastrica bypassus denialus) and the Reynolds Rainbow Trout (homosexus closeta) are awash in various forms of denial. Medium: ink and acrylic on paper.

Gossip Trading Cards: Wanton Starlet

Lindsay Lohan's swinging love life could easily be mistaken for one of those trashy pulp fiction novels from the 50's and 60's. With her come-hither, yet dazed eyes, she's the perfect model of man eating temptress typically shown on the covers of lurid vintage paperbacks. Consider these actual titles...Born For Sin, Man Bait, or Lust is a Woman and imagine how natural Lindsay would look pictured on the cover. One can hardly keep up with reports of who she's dating, one week it's Brett Ratner and the next it's Bruce Willis.  The most recent report claims she's moving to Europe because she's dating "several men over there." Once she's ravanged Europe, the little kitten on the prowl is sure to relocate to other continents in search of fresh prey. Medium: Acrylic on board, digital text.

To further my point, I scanned a random page from Lust in Orbit, a 1963 title from my own collection of trashy vintage novels. After reading this excerpt, one can easily picture Lindsay as the narrator.

Brandon Davis Spews

One of the first bits of gossip I saw this morning was the video of greasy oil fortune heir, Brandon Davis on a night out with self-absorbed hotel heiress and self-proclaimed "American Royalty" Paris Hilton.  In the video, Brandon exposes his crass vulgarity, lack of proper upbringing, and stunted maturity as he loudly shouts insults about Lindsay Lohan to a group of paparazzi. The Royal Highness, Paris Hilton cackles uncontrollably as Brandon makes an absolute ass of himself by referring to Lohan as a "fire crotch" and worse.  I know they must think of themselves as privileged young Hollywood elite, but what they really come across as is spoiled toddlers fighting in a school yard sandbox.  Or maybe monkeys flinging poo at each other in a filthy Hollywood zoo.

Is Brad Angie's Boy Toy?

Star magazine provides much of the inspiration for the work I post on this blog. I flip open the magazine and find endless amounts of material to fuel my absurd paintings of celebrity gossip. They were kind enough to print my Brad Pitt Pull Toy in their News of the Week feature.....so of course I had to create a painting out of it. Here we see Brad disagreeing over his portrayal as Angie's boy toy. Medium: Acrylic and ink painted directly onto page 30 of the April 24 issue of Star magazine.

Valentine, You're My Missing Link

Genetic comparisons claim 96% similarity between chimps and humans.

• Valentines from the 40's and 50's were corny, creepy, and puzzling.
• The Olsen Twins.

Throw the top three statements into a blender, pour into the brain of a sleep-deprived artist, and within 30 minutes out comes this Valentine. Medium: gouache on paper. SOLD